I suggest you write out the plan B letter. Tell him you love him but his infidelity is unacceptable and too painful for you to live with. Do you have an IM? Tell him how to communicate with you. Also tell him how to come home (what does he need to do from this day forward). Calling the Harleys would be a GREAT step. I would make it a requirement.

Now you shouldn't call him. Plan B should be done right because you have one chance at it. If you play at it, it won't get you anywhere and future threats will mean nothing.

Yesterday I told my MIL that I kicked him out, she's quite upset and I'm sure she will tell his sister. I talked to his friend for 2 hours about the whole situation, he just kept saying H loves me, doesn't want to lose everything. His friend told him that if he continues, H will not be welcome by them anymore. Told H you will lose your wife, kids, friends and then what will you do? He told H to find a different job, change his number and go to counselling. I haven't talked to H since he left, I hope he is realizing how much he hurt me. Kids keep asking where he is, don't know what to tell them Friend wants me to let H back home, says he doesn't have anywhere to go, says let him sleep in separate room. Friend will take H to find a therapist, I really believe H has a behavioral addiction.

Tell them the truth in an age appropriate fashion.

Mommy and Daddy are married.
Married people are not supposed to date anyone else.
Daddy has been dating OW (use her name).
Mommy is very hurt.
Mommy cannot be with Daddy while he is dating OW (use her name).
Mommy loves Daddy, but cannot be with Daddy while he's dating OW (use her name).
Let's pray for Daddy. He's in real trouble.

H came home yesterday, told MIL that he is wrong, told her that we are ok, doesn't want to upset her. We didn't even look at each other, DS11 keeps telling me to go talk to H, he is upset. I want H to leave, but has nowhere to go, how do I plan B with H in same house? NC over last 4 days with OW5, but today I saw that she called him, call was 11 seconds long. H immediately called his BF, maybe for support? I don't know. Don't know how to proceed.

What demands have you made for letting him come home?

Who told him he could come home? Who is he trying to please, you or your MIL?

This dynamic is getting you nowhere and it's why you are still where you are. You've asked him to leave, it's not your problem to find him a place to stay. That's his problem. Apparently he will not respect you or your wishes. I don't know of a way to plan B while living in the same house. Technically I don't see how it is possible.



Have you told him the truth?

You should listen to Michele. This is a very important part of the Plan, and you should play it to the hilt.

When my WW told me she was leaving, the very next thing that came out of her mouth was that she didn't have a place to go. I agreed to let her stay in the house (a mistake without Plan A). For five weeks she remained under my roof AND NEVER MADE THE FIRST ATTEMPT AT FINDING SOMEWHERE TO MOVE. Even the day she moved out she commented that the place she thought she had found had "fallen through."

NOT MY PROBLEM. Move-out day was move-out day. The harder it is for a WS to continue living in their fantasy world, the better. As it is, WW currently has with her the equivalent of a couple of suitcases' full of stuff. All of her furniture, clothing, her bike, photos, knick-knacks, jewelry, makeup and what-have-you are still in this house (conveniently moved out of my sight and into an empty bedroom). The lack of access to the things she didn't think of taking when she left has to be a constant reminder of the consequences of her decision.

He's got to feel the consequences of his actions. He has to see that you mean business. Each time you kick him out and then allow him back you move your boundaries. YOUR word means nothing. He gets a slap on the hand and then life goes back to the way it was and apparently the way it will always be. You have to change the cycle by changing the way you behave, the way you defend your boundaries.

Tell your children the truth. Let the world know. Demonstrate to him that you will no longer tolerate his infidelity. Do it in a calm, rational way. It's not a spur of the moment, angry outburst when you can't take it any more. It's a well thought out decision.

I think she lives at the same house as the MIL. Is that correct? Extended family is strong where you live?
Assuming that those two assumptions are correct I have a few suggestions.

1. Talk to MIL and ask if she will support you not wanting to live with H untill he gets help. Ask her if she will find somewhere for her son to go until you are ready to live together again. maybe she can call his friend and ask if he can stay there. It will be uncomfortable and an imposition on the friend but if your H responds by agreeing with your program then it will only be a short period of time.

2. Ask your MIL if she can find somewhere for you and children to move to for awhile. Explain that you don't want it to be permanent but that you can't look at him right now and you need to protect yourself.

3. Explain to the family that you need some time alone without your husband to think and heal. Then arrange for a place for you to be with the children that MIL agrees is proper.


I am assuming that the culture there respects the head of the house and it would bring shame for scandal to be aired in public? Please forgive me if I am wrong. I know you said that the family is not traditional but the fact that you know of what traditional is makes me think that others would respect what you do as polite courtesy.

You have every right to get away from him and you will need to for your marriage to recover. Plan A did not work now you need to protect yourself and give God a chance to change his ways.
I suspect that your husband is remorseful and his emotional outbursts of tears reflect to me someone who values the "concept" of family. He is NOT respecting you. You have been very patient so now its time to protect yourself.

Time for plan B. Please do it for you and your childrens sake. His tears are about him, not you. He is really sorry that he got caught thats all. I'm not saying he can't get right, He needs to see he CAN"T have his cake and eat it too.

Good luck and God bless

I don't agree that SHE should move out. The kids need a stable environment. They should be home. Unless there is some legal problem with him leaving, then HE should move out until HE stops his destructive behavior.

As of today, H comes home from work, we stay in separate rooms, I say NOTHING to him. I still can't look at him, afraid of what I will feel and say. Can't bring myself to tell the kids, it will kill H if I did. What is IM by the way? Should I make an appointment for him to see a counselor, or just give him the number and make him do it himself? I told MIL I want him out for awhile, she doesn't agree, says a H and W shouldn't live apart, says I should talk to him, she is very old fashioned and here divorce is not looked on in a good light, people do it of course, but that's the last thing she wants. It is a very small country and everyone knows everyone else, it would be a shame for everyone to know. I don't want to ruin everything, I told who I think can help the situation. My friends (from here) think that if I kick him out, I'll be pushing him away. I have a very different mentality than they do here. I think if H loves me, wants to stay married, HE should take the first step, not mope around the house waiting for me to 'cool off' or get over it. It was the straw that broke the camels back, I repeatedly told him, he promised and he lied. H should think of the kids, I'm sick of people telling me to.

IM Instant messenger? I dont know JS here is a list of ancronyms for the site but I don't see it.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1803182#Post1803182

I would be right there with everyone there in keeping him in the same house with his family. How are you going to get him to change his ways then? Maybe you will need to threaten and scare him into some form of counseling? I mean if you guys spliting up would be such a terrible shame to everybody that it is considered a fate worse than death, then how are you supposed to protect yourself when he does this over and over?
I wish that he would be seriuos about this and counsel with you.

What is an IM? What could I say, go to MC, change your number, change your job, doesn't it seem like he should change HIMSELF? Is asking him to change all of these things really doing any help to our M? I mean, it doesn't matter where one works, or what their number is, how do you get your H to realize that?

You mean I should let him stay? I feel so bad right now, I don't want to keep saying 'get out get out get out' in front of my kids. I'm kinda in limbo.

JustSad, an IM is an "intermediary." It's someone who you can rely on to act as a go-between when you are in Plan B. Since you are to have NO CONTACT with your wayward spouse (WS) during this time, your IM can filter out nonsense and just pass important information between the two of you. Your IM can be a friend, neighbor, pastor or even someone from this site -- that knows your situation and will behave as a neutral agent.

YOU didn't, HE did. HE needs to be saying this and as long as you are the one taking responsibility for HIS actions there's NO chance of him changing his behavior.

IM is intermediary. Have you read up on plan B?



Don't say it in front of the kids. This shouldn't be done as an angry, out of control statement. This is a calm, thoughtful, rational statement that you say when in complete control of your emotions. That way he knows that you are dead serious.

justsad, as long as you are trying to not rock the boat, then your situation will not change. If you are trying to please MIL, your kids, your friends, neighbors, the whole country...YOU will live as you have. Everyone will be happy but you.

I don't know what else to tell you. For him to change he has to be motivated to change. His elevated discomfort level can lead to change, hitting rock bottom leads to change. But if you protect him from that or your MIL protects him from that, then he will NEVER change. His behavior is being ENABLED by you and his family.

Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Ok. So I guess his friend can be my IM. I still haven't said a single word to him, or looked at him, or even stayed in the same room with him for longer than a second. I've asked his friend to help him find a place to stay for a while. He said ok. H tells MIL everything is ok, of course I tell her the truth. Any recommendations for a plan B letter?

Dear JustSad:

I feel so bad for this situation that you find yourself in.
He was raised in a culture very different from ours. You may understand the trappings, (what is acceptable and what it not)- but do you understand the complexity and the ingraining of the "rules?"

I am sure there are excellent IC there. YOU need to visit one- ask HIM (yeah, I'd go with a dude) for guidance in understanding husbands motive for this behavior. Ask for help in understanding the situation better.

Back in the good 'Ole U.S. I have heard a saying quite a bit; "You can take the girl out of the South (country), but you will never take the South (country) our of the girl".

Which means, to me, that you are a product of your upbringing. It is very strong and we act on these teachings w/o even knowing it.

We can get our minds around and accept that concept here. Do you think there is any similarities with this and you H upbringing?
I teach Art and I love to look at other cultures and the items/meanings and symbols that each uses. I think we forget how important knowing this before you marry.

(I wish I would have paid closer attention-- my H is a bold faced LIAR when it comes to conflict-- it started in his childhood with overbearing/ too strict parenting. Children use lying/excuses as survival meathod. All 3 of my H's siblings can lie like a rug, I knew this before I married him-- and I THOUGHT he would be different.)

I digress.
Your H HAD to know when he married you that you were not going to be in for the multiple spouse thing, and that monogamy means (or should mean) something here.

I am very interested in your resolution. But it sounds like you are spinning your wheels ignoring him. Please keep us updated.

What things motivate your H? What could you tell him that would have a life-altering effect on him? My first guess would be that you take his kids away and leave? But that's drastic. What else would make an effect? What matters to him? Would his friends doing an intervention be it? Would a sister or brother being disappointed be it? Find something that matters to him.