Or at least, I feel like one (made ya look huh?). H and I are separated, and I'm still the wife, but here are the top 5 reasons I <B>feel</B> like the OW:<P>1. <B>She gets angry when he is with me.</B> I learned from H's sister that OW was extreeeeeemly p.o'd when H was unavailable the weekend we had our wedding anniversary dinner and ummm more (didn't even have the $#*! cell phone with him during this time). OW refused to take H's calls for several days. (Can you say lovebuster?)<P>2. <B>He lies to her to be with me.</B> My H invited me to lunch today. We had a very enjoyable time. Then his cell phone rang, he checked the screen and didn't pick up right away. We both looked at each other - I know I had a sort of smirk on my face daring him to answer. It was a brief conversation: "Hi", "At lunch", "I'll have to call you back". Power off button hit on phone. Yup, I remember those cryptic phone calls. I didn't even ask who it was. Nor did I skip a beat in my conversation. She's not worth it.<P>3. <B>He does thoughtful things for me</B>.H took my car to be serviced today - made all the arrangements himself.<P>4. <B>He flirts with me</B> Yup - all through lunch today.<P>5. <B>He really enjoys being with me</B>. Last night he and the kids were to have dinner with some neighbors - H did not have to invite me along but....he did and we all had a great time.<P>So, what's up with this? Don't worry, I am sticking to my boundaries, but have decided I will just ride this out for a bit - be friendly, light, breezy, not too available - basically what feels right and comes naturally to me anyway. <P>My question is - how can he live this way? And what could possibly be going through his mind? <P>Starpony<BR>

Well, you did make me look - darn you! <P>I think these are good signs. Also, keep in mind he is pretty screwed up so keeping the boundaries is a good thing. <P>I'm sure he doesn't know what he wants. He's floundering with his emotions and maybe the guilt is starting to get to him. <P>Keep doing what you're doing - looks like you are on track.<P>SHA

Starpony,<P>This could spell the beginning of the end of their relationship. Your approach sounds great, especially the "not too available" part ... be mysterious. If you haven't already visited, check out:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorcebusting.com</A> <P>and click on "Messageboards"<P>You will find a forum similar in structure to this one and your approach is highly recommended by Michele Weiner-Davis (author of the book <I>Divorce Busting</I>).<P>Just a word of caution: mine did this all summer long (except we have no kids) and now seems to be in a mode where he is quite comfortable having two women meeting his needs. If that starts to happen, consider Plan B, or the DB "Last Resort" technique (very similar)...<P>Good luck - and have FUN!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

This is almost exactly what I have been doing since June. We have a great time together, I give him gifts, compliment him, and can see that he really enjoys my company. But ... he still has the other woman and I see plenty of the typical get closer / pull back behavior.<P>I don't know if you're doing this, but be extra careful NOT to bring up the "our relationship" topic now. I've done this two times since June and both have been disasterous setbacks. The behavior indicates progress, even if the words don't. For whatever reason, as soon as I make my husband talk about it, he's stuck into justifying the past and feeling "hopeless". So hold off longer and wait for him to initiate it. I'm pretty clear now - if they want back into the marriage they will mention it. They certainly know we want them back.<P>I make plenty of plans without him and virtually never call unless our son is at his apartment. He knows I have an active and enjoyable life and sees that I'm happy.<P>I don't know if you feel it, but I often get annoyed at the prospect of his "having his cake and eating it too" (i.e. both of us meeting his needs). I don't know how much longer I'll go on like this before I pull waaaaay back. Unfortunately, I think my husband really likes things just the way they are. I'm counting on the OW getting completely fed-up at some point and either starting lots of lovebusting or kicking his butt out. She must be getting pretty frustrated at his not divorcing me and spending so much time with us by now (if she knows these things).<P>Keep at it as long as you can.

Starpony - Saw the Topic and said "WHAT??<P>Sounds like you're doing fine. I agree it appears to be the beginning of the end and you seem to have things under control.<P>Good for you!<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

Hey Starpony, scared the living daylights out of me there! Glad to hear you are doing ok. Got your email - thanks. I know what you are saying. My H lies to her all the time about me and yet he says their relationship is built on truth and honesty. She lies to him too - I know it, he doesn't! Keep on going the way you are - you'll get there!

Starpony, you are responsible for my heart skippig a beat!! Nice to hear you so upbeat and 'well'. (((hugs)))

hahahaha, same thing happened to me, this summer. he had mentioned it once before, that he should keep me as his mistress. turned out he was (living with her, seeing me on the weekends...i had no housework or laundry to do for him...i was virtually a kept woman)! it was funny, though, right after second discovery this year, he was coming to see me, and had to pull over for an hour so she could scream at him on the car phone, and when he got here, i was sweet as can be, and wearing a cute little dress...made quite an impact.<BR>enjoy the ups, and keep your fingers crossed she keeps lovebusting <P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

Giggle,giggle -<BR>Hope I wasn't out of line with my warped sense of humor - but I figure I've put in my time on the pain gang. Time to live a little - <P>SHA - yep, have to agree with you he's pretty screwed up. I have never seen such an emotional rollercoaster and I have to be thankful I'm not living with it!<P>Terri - I checked out the board you suggested. Seem like nice people. I am a bit concerned that you and Distressed both have the same caution - that H might just get used to this. Thing is, I think my time to make an impact is pretty limited. H will probably have a new job soon out of state (may leave as early as first of the year or so) so if I don't see changes in the next couple months I'll need a new plan (and plan D may be appropriate at that point). I hope things go well for you.<P>Distressed - I hear you. How do you handle the get closer/pull back thing. What kind of "boundaries" (physical/emotional)do you keep up. I did crash pretty hard after H and I spent an almost honeymoon-like weekend together and then it was back to distancing (although less so than before). You always sound so strong in your posts. i admire you.<P>lostva - thanks for the vote of confidence.<P>loveu - sorry to scare you! (Hee Hee) Hope you are holding up well in your Plan.<P>cl- I'm just so tired of being downbeat - anything is better!!! Thanks.<P>lwb - great story. Hope you are well.

Boy Oh Boy! This sounds like the place I am at today, Starpony. My husband has to lie about his whereabouts when he comes to see me. Wasn't too long ago when I was the one being lied to. We get along great and I often wonder what the heck got us to this place we are at today. Not only is he confused, but so am . Just have to hang in there and hope for the best.

Starpony:<P>You ask tough questions!<P>How do I handle the get closer/ pull back cycle and what barriers do I have in place? Well, all I can say is knowledge is power. I've been hurt so many times by all of this that I've developed a thicker skin. I have very low expectations at this point. For example, I used to cry when my husband returned my son on Sundays and never got out of the car himself. Now, I use that event as a test. I don't expect him to come in (I'm pretty sure he's in a rush to see OW on Sunday nights). But now I view it as a milestone event - if he does come in on a Sunday night, it might indicate a more substantive change.<P>We're all in different places in the cycle. I feel very little anger or hurt now, but often intense disappointment about my husband's character and frustration at the slow progress. I could see this going on for years if the OW doesn't make a move. I can't see my husband taking action in any direction, perhaps ever.<P>My biggest personal problem is that I don't feel I have any other feasible path to pursue. I spent 5 months in Plan B earlier this year. During that time, my husband never once saw our baby daughter. He barely saw our son. What I found was that if I wasn't making arrangements for these things, they weren't happening. This is a big problem for me. While I know I'm not responsible for his relationship with the kids, I'm also not comfortable watching silently while that relationship atrophies to nothing. So I went back to Plan A and made sure he does fun and interesting things with the kids. I guess I'm legitimately earning the description of being an enabler, being manipulative, and being controlling by managing this relationship myself, but I feel that I have to do it. It comes ahead of saving the marriage. There are no other aspects of his life that I'm really trying to influence (except coming back, of course).<P>As an interesting note, my son is doing extremely well now that we all get along. His teacher commented to me this week about what a happy child he is this year (compared to last). He is at the top of his second grade class, many friends, and very well adjusted.<P>As far as I'm concerned, I can never go back to Plan B. I can pull back further into Last Resort and will probably have to do that at some point. But other than initiating a divorce filing myself, there are no other steps I can really do to bring this thing to closure.<P>The other thing that helps me is helping others. I privately e-mail some people in the early stages that I met at this site. A year ago I attended a conference where the speaker said that if you spend one hour per day on a subject, within five years you will be a national expert. Well, I've spent probably 4 -5 hours/day for about a year now on the subjects of infidelity, midlife crisis, depression, and relationships. With over 35 books read, some upwards of 5 times, I feel like a national expert and have actually been playing with doing something different with my life. It's helping me to help others through this miserable experience.<P>OK, long and braggy response to your questions. Knowledge is power. The better you understand this, the less you're personally affected by what is (unfortunately) typical behavior. They're in control. As long as affairs persist, they can't work on the marriage. Only they can end the affair and they have to want to since it's so hard.<P>In your situation, I think you should continue on as-is. As others have pointed out, there are signs of change in the works. If you keep at this path, odds are strong that the other relationship will blow up. How long that takes is anyone's guess. But I would not go to Plan B unless you find you can't deal with this any longer. I don't think you're anywhere near that time.<P>Best of luck and keep smiling.

H returned car from being serviced today - washed and with a full tank of gas! Huh? Also left a message asking if I can go running with him (after just last week telling me he didn't think this was a good idea). This would be entertaining if it were not hitting so close to home...<P>Pinky - I can really relate to the "how did I get here" feeling. Any Talking Heads fans out there? "this is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife..." I know H also feels this. Sounds like you have kept your sense of humor but it is so confusing isn't it?<P>Distressed - Thank you for your thoughtful answer to my questions. I am sorry your H is not more responsible with the kids unless you orchestrate everything. I am grateful that mine at least continues to be very involved in our kids lives. It is why I cannot imagine him moving out of state - he coaches sports, does music lessons - I don't get it. Anyway, sounds like knowledge and low expectations are key. H did take "After the Affair" with him to read about a week ago so maybe the knowledge will help him too!<P>Thanks,<BR>Starpony

Don't know if the OW is still in the picture or not. He comes over and we spend a great deal of time together on the weekends. Sometimes even a dinner out during the week. Those "talks", though, do cause setbacks. He's transferring to another city, which might be good. He's never had to be alone before. We were married when he was 19 and has been living with mommy since house sold. Like someone else said -- no laundry, don't have to cook and clean his pee off the walls, etc. Kind of nice for now.

Starpony I couldn't resist but to look...you are clever...I am so glad things are going so well for you...things are going well for me too...but I know OW is still in the picture...as someone else just said "he wants the cake and wants to eat it too". He and OW are just being "extra" careful now because they are afraid to get busted. Anyway, H is being sooooo nice, we make love in the morning before work and usually at night too, he hugs and kisses me, I am taking him out for his birthday...and he is thrilled that I am doing this...He is just a different person...but then...we all know there is a side of him that is probably very sweet to the other one too, who tells her not to worry about me, that they can keep going with this relationship....I know that it would be easier for him to let go of her if she would let go of him...but I know she will not easily let go of him...he is sexy and quite a lover...If I won't give him up....why should she? Anyway, it is true that wifes take time away from lovers....isn't that great ? I would love to see her sitting home alone on a Sunday night, being iserable...how many nights alone can she take ? I think I really burn her up inside....the b--tc. She can only have him once a week.........I hope its enough for her.....