Melody is right. You need to step up here and up the ante. Tell her that it is an excellent opportunity for her to show her love and commitment to you in front of all her coworkers, including the POSOM.

UC,

In my sitch, my exWW moved the OM to our PROPERTY right under my nose. As she spent more and more time with him, I kept asking her what was going on. She kept saying he was a relative, there is nothing going on.

When she gave me the ILUBNILWU speech, I told her the next day that OM has to move out. You know what? She went BALLISTIC on me. I never thought she was capable of such anger. I believed her when she said it wasn't about him so I didn't press the issue.

Finally, two weeks later, I spent the night at my sisters because I couldn't stand her anger. When I went to the house the next morning, I found them naked in bed together WITH my 3 year old daughter in the next room. That afternoon, she filed a protection order to get me out of the house and she moved the OM in permanently.

The moral? You don't "negotiate" with a wayward. If I stood my ground and told exWW that OM is off the property, there is a pretty good chance my story would have turned out differently. I would give your WW an ulitmatim - either you both go, or neither of you go. She will be furious, that you are trying to control her, that you are psycho jeolous husband. Ignore her.

In triplicate.

Perhaps we have been assuming here. Perhaps your goal is NOT to end the affair and rebuild your marriage.

Would you please tell us what you are seeking help WITH? Do you only want to get support in a difficult time? That is understandable, but that is not how this forum operates. Do you want advice, based on Dr Harley's advice, on how to stop this affair before it ends your marriage?

Your wife sounds like a complete psycho. You need to expose this affair asap, to anyone and everyone.
Go to the party. She, clearly, has plans to hook up.

You have received alot of sound advice here and it sounded like you were going to be strong and take the reins of this situation, but then you backpedaled because she got angry at you for having a backbone.

UC, you sound like a nice person. I have been called that many times. But when my husband told me about his A, I quickly realized that nice doesn't enter into it. You need to stand up for yourself, your child, and your M.

Are you a conflict avoider by nature? Please fight this! I had suspicions about my husband and the OW, even brought it up to him, but I also accepted what he told me as truth. You can't believe how WS's can compartmentalize their lives and involve the OP in yours as if its perfectly natural. During my DH's A, we had a Christmas party, and he allowed me to invite the OW and her H. When I think about having her in my house, hugging me and then sending me a thank you note after the party, I am baffled by the weirdness of the adulterous mind.

I know the options of exposure and the related fallout from that are scary, but you must make one very big decision, right now: Is your marriage the most important thing to you? More important than the esteem of family, the security of income, and (current temporary) happiness of your WW? This battle will upend your life even more than the affair did, but you can win if you commit to it.

If your WW is going to the party, go with her and don't let her out of your sight. Make her uncomfortable! She needs to see that the selfish actions she had taken in the last 2 years have consequences and you should not apologize for that. My DH was exposed by a PI investigating the OW. He would not have stopped if that hadn't happened. He tried two times before that to do it on his own, without letting others know. EXPOSURE WORKS because sin and light can't exist together.

I will be praying for the truth to be revealed to your WW.

UC, you clearly do NOT get it.

You seem to think that if your WW gets mad at you, then it's over, so your job is to keep her happy with you at all costs no matter what you have to put up with. Then she'll love you because you make her so happy and she'll choose you over the OM.

You could not be more wrong.

Look: You have sent your WW the clear message that you don't care if she's ****edit**** another man as long as she doesn't get mad at YOU - that all that matters to you is that YOU don't get yelled at.

This is about as insulting as it gets. (Forget for the moment that she is a WW.) All SHE will hear is, "UC doesn't care that another man ****edit****. He just wants me to stay around and take care of the kid and fix dinner. That's all he cares about. He won't stand up for me at all, not even to keep another man from having sex with me."

You are not her daddy, UC - are you? Aren't you supposed to be her husband? If you are just going to puss out and sit on your butt and do NOTHING while your wife has sex with another man - well, how many women do you think would want a husband like that? Who cared so little about them that the guy would just sit on the sidelines and do NOTHING while knowing full well his wife was having sex with another man?

No woman that I know. All it says is, "I CARE SO LITTLE ABOUT YOU THAT YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN AND I WILL **NOT** STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR YOU."

We have never, ever seen a case here where appeasment and placation ever worked. Never. Not one. Not only does appeasement allow the affair to run wild with no impediment, it really does send the message that "I don't care if you scr*w another man, because I will do nothing to stand up for your or for our marriage."

In case you missed it above:

Your marriage CAN survive her anger at you.

It CANNOT survive her spreading her legs for another man.

Can we make it any plainer than that?

Either you stand up and fight for your wife and your family and your marriage, or you may as well just crawl down to divorce court today. You will lose your family and your child will grow up in a broken home and will have OM(s) for a daddy, but at least your WW won't be mad at you.

You can explain to your child, later on, that not having Mommy get mad was the most important thing to you. You can explain this to him while you're packing him up for yet another visit to Mommy and OM's house.

THINK, MAN!
Mulan

UC, not trying to discourage you, but you need to see things like they are: Her attitude re: the party, as you've described it anyway [basically, a temper tantrum because you won't assent to her going to the party alone], does not sound like the mental workings of a woman who wants to start placing her marriage first & who's committed to marital recovery. Sounds to me like she just doesn't want you around while she's schmoozing with her affair partner.

You did right by taking a stand. Also great that you stayed calm, didn't get into an angry outburst. But you can't back down. You need to let her know -- calmly, firmly, consistently, unambiguously -- that there are things for which you just won't stand. Your W is still behaving as if she's in an active affair, and you need to make clear that you won't stand for it. (Unless this is negotiable for you so that you can get your tuition paid!!) When I quit my affair after I'd been exposed to my OW's husband, I quit it because I knew my wife's character & thus knew that she wouldn't stand for it going on for one second longer. And just in case that wasn't already clear to me from our 16+ years of marriage, my wife reinforced it by telling me, verbatim quote: "Do it again and you're out on your [impolite term for "rear end"]."
You need to show that sort of character. You need to be that tough.


I know it takes bucks to live & eat & take care of the child & pay for school, etc., but what's more important to you? School or your marriage? Which would you want less to be without a year from now: A degree or your wife? Have you looked up what divorce lawyers cost? Rest assured, it's more than a couple of semesters' tuition. And one way to look at it is, you could be out working F/T, not P/T, but instead, you're sacrificing to provide her with free childcare to enable her to be free to continue her contact with the OM, which in terms of its impact on her mind, is basically akin to continuing the affair.

This party dust-up is a tempest in a teapot compared to the mountain you need to climb re: her job. She can't stay there. She needs to look elsewhere for employment & start now. Any time she's spent arguing with you about the party, when she could've spent that time buffing up her resume, just further goes to prove that she doesn't have her priorities straight.

I know, it's easy for us to say, hard for you to do. Unfortunately, you're in a situation where there are no easy choices for you, due to your wife's misbehaviour; but here's betting she'll respect you more if you stand up for yourself & for what's best for your marriage.

I do believe 'Mulan' hit the nail on the head in her post, dead on as a matter of fact.

Hearing it from a woman should make it sink in even further, IMO.

Here you go brother, this guy just posted this....its a perfect fit for you, no kidding.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2287925&gonew=1#UNREAD

hey UC , she is full o' crap and useing you. I know that you don't want to face it because it hurts. You can't love her out of it. She will just keep taking untill you are completly dried up and them she will leave you anyway. When she has completely crushed your nuts to dust so bad that you would be afraid of a flys anger towards you.
Calmly, tell her she needs to show you that she wants you and that what shes doing is a no-go for you.....or she can leave...or you leave... She is not capable of commpassion any more towards you. She is being a selfish b*&^th and she loves how baaadd she is.

You have a young Child, By the time you get your life back together without her you will still be in the position to be a good father. Don't use money as the reason UC..its never the money...

I am glad that you are a nice man. I don't suggest that you become a nasty bitter child of a man and blow your top or go clean the OM clock. But you are going to have to reach down inside and find the strength to reject your wife and be stone cold happy about it.

Oh yeah , start gathering information to use in court so you don't get screwwed. Fight for your right to keep your son so he has a chance to live in a house with a dad that is not a liar and a cheat. You can fight for yourself and you can fight for your marriage but you can't make her think straight or love her into being with you.

She needs a good boot in the butt. A reality check. The people here are trying to help you do it. If you do you will not regret it. You will have fought for what decent people fight for and what you can be respected for. Something you child will thank you for later.

Don't let your wifes sick mind bust yur nuts

UC,

You are ignoring tons of great advice here because you are afraid.

1) Get the DNA test, or at least tell us what your "event" was that makes you sure. You can do this without her knowing and it will give you certainty.

2) Read No More Mr. NIce GUy, you need it bad.

3) Do the MB plan, instead of just playing at it.

The biggest thing I am fearful of is that she does not want me anymore, and I don't know if I am ready to accept that yet, and move on from her. I am still so much in love with her, even after what she did, that it is impossible for me to imagine my life without her.

Mabye I need to reveal some facts about us and our relationship

Me: 27
Her: 27

we met in high school and started dating shortly after. She was not a virgin but I was. I had relationships but my convictions of waiting for the one kept me from losing it to just anyone. I lost it to her before we were married. We immediately moved out of the state to start a new life together. It allowed us to be dependent on only eachother, and build our lives together from scratch. We were all eachother had. We got married 4 years later. 2 years ago we moved back to our hometown, but we were separated for 5 months while she stayed back until she found a job and we rented out our house.

I think that is when things got bad, our separation pushed us apart and it has never been the same. I was working hard at school and she was in a new job. Neither of us were meeting eachothers needs. She went and got them met by building a friendship into a relationship. When she got pregnant, things were not great and it was not planned. I was excited though, and I could tell she was scared. Abortion is not an option for me so it was never discussed. Rescently, she revealed that she considered getting one behind my back. Thank the Lord she didn't.

We are young, immature, inexperienced, and moved way too fast. I really do think that she has given up and does not want to be with me. I have been selfish and demanding in the relationship and have neglected her by not listening. There are a lot of issues that need to be worked out. If she does not want to be together, how is being an a-hole going to help the situation? How is revealing this to everyone and fufilling my selfish agenda going to show that I am doing this to fight for her? It is selfish of me to want her if I know she does not want me.

I want this to end and to move forward with her and my family without any more hurt. Is that impossible? Am I naive?

UC, have you read any of the other threads, articles and posts others have given you? If you have, you should see that once a wayward is in "affair mode," all bets are off.

They lie, deceive and cheat. They are like crack addicts, fixated on the affair. They say anything they can to get their next "fix." One of the down sides of this is that they say very hurtful things to "justify" the affair, and actually believe what they say.

Someone made the analogy of the Peanuts cartoon shows: only the child characters say anything. Adults, teachers and so on are just represented by sound effects, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." THAT is what you hear from a wayward.

While you may think what you are doing is hurtful, the only thing it hurts is the AFFAIR. The participants are so befogged by their own delusion that they don't really understand what you are doing or saying.

Think of the vampire movies: You are armed with wooden stakes, silver bullets and cloves of garlic. If you don't use these to kill the vampire, the vampire sure as he// is going to kill you!

This is war, my friend. And you can choose to throw up your hands and be French, or start digging your trenches and be prepared for the Battle of your Life!

Dude as Fred said, did you click any of the last few links provided? I gave you one as well, from a guy that WAS in your exact situation....good god man, read them...!!

Not to mention the post by a female member on here hit you square in the eyes...LISTEN..!!!!!

Nobody is saying be an [censored], SHE is being an [censored]. brother.

UC, your best thinking got you in this mess. Are you ready to listen to those of us who saved our marriage? You are losing your marriage NOW to an affair. You don't comprehend that you are the greatest DANGER to your marriage by enabling this affair. You are helping destroy your marriage. You are driving the getaway car while the infidels rob YOUR BANK.

Will you stop it and listen to us? Or are you going to allow FEAR to continue to screw up your thinking? Look at where your own best thinking has got you?

UC,

I don't know what to tell you anymore. The more facts you reveal the more convinced I am that she was in the A before your baby was conceived and that it may not be yours.


Wouldn't that put the conception during your separation given that you have a 1 year old??? Also fits with her considering an abortion.

YOu need to know especially since you have no other children.

One more thing UC,

Just letting her have the A won't work to save your marriage anyway. She will have so little respect for you (or you for her) that it will be doomed.

UC, it's not impossible for a marriage to be restored & to become stronger even after an affair than it was before. My wife & I have made it work & made it better.

However, both parties have to want it & fight for it.

Right now, regardless of what your wife may have said to you in words, her actions say that she doesn't want it.

All of your wanting & best efforts to be the kindest, most considerate & attentive spouse in the world, can't spin straw into gold until or save your marriage until your wife decides that she wants to save it, too. Those efforts on your part are noble & necessary, but not sufficient. As long as she remains in the fog of her affair, as long as she has failed to complete or even begin the withdrawal phase (read about withdrawal on this site), as long as she remains in position (namely, at her workplace) to be constantly exposed to the addictive rush that she gets from mere contact with her long-term affair partner, then your efforts at reconcilation can't take root, because the ground is not prepared. It can only be prepared by ending the affair, by permanently breaking the contact between her and her lover.

If this step hasn't occurred, then you're fighting a phantom, a fantasy: Fantasy-Man has a job, and when she's with him there's no kid to take care of or even interrupt; no tuition bills; no dirty dishes; no car payments; no laundry. Nothing but stimulating career fulfillment & stimulating liaisons. You can't win against a fantasy; your best efforts can't compete until you break up her fantasy-world. That's not "being an a--hole", as you put it; it's having a modicum of self-respect, that's all.

If it's a workplace affair, YOU should be plastering news of this affair all over her workplace; then her fantasy-world might not appear so appealing. Your marriage might then have a chance to recover, and she might even thank you for it one day. But instead, you're letting her affair-addled mind hold you hostage in basically serving as her live-in nanny so that she can boink Mr. Work Colleague (or conspire to resume doing so at soonest opportunity) without even having to feel guilty about leaving her young child unattended.

Walking into a brick wall of resolve sometimes will snap a person's head around & get her attention to what's really important in life. Walking over a doormat rarely does.

You WW lies to you everyday for 1.5 years. She has active IN YOUR FACE A with OM and you are the one being selfish - pleeze - what the hell are you thinking? You are afraid to lose her - buddy I got news for ya - you lost her already. You better reread the thread if you want any chance of saving your M.

Gg