I am trying to decide how much and who to expose to when I finally do drop the hammer.
How much is too much? When does it stop being exposure and turn into vengeance?
My exposure group keeps growing, I don�t want this to backfire and turn me into the bad guy.
I plan on fully exposing a few days before Christmas. Her mother and father, brother and sister already know, there having a hard time keeping it bottled up. I need them to stay quiet until I inform everyone on my list including my daughter.
I have her car and computer bugged now and I feel confident it�s just a matter of time before I have the evidence I need to actually move forward.
I think maybe I need to shorten my list; it includes everyone from fellow employees to church members and everyone in-between.
When you exposed how did you proceed? How many people were on your list? Any advice at all on this will be greatly appreciated.

You will get posts from veteran's on this shortly.

When I was in your shoes, I did NOT listen to their advice for EXACTLY the same reasons. Did not want to seem vengeful.

It extended withdrawal and pain from OM#1. If there was ONE thing I would have done over in how I handled it, it would have been to more closely follow the exposure advice you will soon get.

Ok, this misses the point of exposure. Exposure does not mean KEEP SECRET. Affairs thrive on secrecy so secrecy is the last thing you need. Asking an exposure target to keep "exposure" a secret, defeats the whole purpose.

Exposure should be done on the same day that no one is surprised, but your wife should also know on THAT DAY that she has been exposed. Hopefully, the exposure targets will call and tell her. IF NOT, then you should tell her. But please understand that exposure means to EXPOSE, not to keep secret.

The affair should be exposed to a very short list of people, close family, friends, OP's spouse, your children, pastor and the workplace, if applicable. You don't expose to acqaintences unless there is a compelling reason.

p.s. I would get this wrapped up TODAY while the getting is good. Exposure should not be dragged out. It should be done in one day so you can move onto the CARROT of the Plan A. Get this done and get going. Dragging out an exposure will just cause huge complications and perhaps even neutralize your leverage.

oh wait, I just saw this. Does this mean you have no evidence? How do you know she is having an affair?


When you start doing it out of vengence. Only you can answer for your motivations.

Thanks, I'm keeping her mother and father quiet only until I confront her and do my groundwork. I know it maybe pointless in trying to lay a trap, but I was hoping to catch her redhanded.

Do you have evidence of an affair?

You usually hit pay dirt the first try with a voice activated recorder.

Gather TONS of evidence and then expose without her even suspecting that's what you are going to do.

She WILL go nuclear, threaten divorce, say she can never trust you again, that YOU destroyed your marriage and that she can't even have a friend, you are soooo controlling... bla bla bla....

Physical evidence is the only thing I do not have. I�ve got all the WW speech, the gut feeling, the phone records, the odd behavior, the friends talking, the not caring about her family anymore. But I feel I need just one shred of physical evidence before I jump. Then I�ll jump with both feet.

Before the crash, I was working on a survey here regarding exposure. Of 46 respondants, 16 exposed immediately (within the first day) All but one was nuclear (far, wide and immediate exposure). All 16 affairs ended. Of the rest, the main hindrance to ending the affair seemed to be when the exposure was done in a staggard manner rather than all at once. Seven out of 10 BS's who did this were unable to break up the affair. The likely reason for this is that it gives the WS a chance to spin their own version (BS is a crazy jealous freak running around saying xyz about me!!!!).

The main lessons here:

1. Expose immediately as far and wide as you can
2. Do not let the WS know you are doing it.

Yeah get hard evidence and listen to Mel.

This affair if she is having one is based on the "fun" of secrecy. The first step is to yank off the fig leaf they are wearing.

Your a Christian, Who has a lamp that hides it? The strength of the affair is secrecy and a dark place. You can survive her anger and you are not being vengeful. Bring the affair out in the light and then God has a chance to restore you guys through the angels on this site. You can forgive her when she repents.

3. Don't back down

4. Show no weakness

Amen. I�ve been doing pretty well until last night. I read my daughter�s letter to Santa. All she wants for Christmas is for her family to be together and happy again. She was also thankful for all the past years. I�ve never said anything to her she just knows. I broke down on the spot. She saw me. (My daughter)
The point is I don�t know if I can wait until I have the actual physical evidence, I�m trying really hard, that letter had a huge impact on me.

GO MAN GO!!! DUDE

Aren't phone records enough that it is, at minimum, an EA? That seems physical proof enough to me.

I am one who did massive exposure, all on the same day: I exposed to FWH's family, my family, close friends, the public message board they met on (which then spread to OTHER similar message board, but not by my doing), OW's workplace, any of her friends who also knew (at least virtually) my H, and OW's family (those I could find).

I was not one bit vengeful ~ I WAS desperate to save my M and family. My exposure simply asked for help from anyone who was willing to put pressure on them to end the A and do the right thing.

The A ended that day.

<I should also explain that 10 months earlier when I had originally found out about the A, (prior to finding MB), I did very minor exposure. It did NOTHING except push them to take it further underground. Don't make this same mistake ~ NUCLEAR exposure is the way to go.>

My WW always referred to her A as her 'friendship' until I exposed, and gave enough details to show that it was indeed an EA, not a friendship. After that, anytime the matter came up, anytime the OM came up, I used the term 'affair'. She finally broke off contact for good the day I proved she was lying by showing her some of the proof (without exposing how I got it). After that, she started to use the term 'affair', and things started progressing. I think some of the shame and guilt finally started to kick in.
Don't back down!

I agree about the VAR, you would probably get evidence pretty quickly if you plant one in the car. Can you do this ASAP? Like today?

I'm going to toss my hat in the ring for "tell as many people as you possibly can in one day who might have an impact on your wayward spouse."

Does that mean every close friend of hers? Yes.
Does that mean every close friend of yours? Yes.
Does that mean all immediate family? Yes.
Does that mean your children? Absolutely.
Does that mean the other person's spouse? BEYOND A DOUBT.
Does that mean the other person's immediate family? Yes.

The most influential parties to break up my wife's affair were the other man's wife, one of my wife's close friends, and our children. Other family opinion just bounced off of FWW, as did the opinion of any of my friends.

Don't underestimate the power of children. My 12-year-old son said straight up that he knew we were having trouble, thought we were going to get a divorce, and was going to choose to live with me over FWW if we divorced.

That kind of knowledge was a wake-up call for FWW. She's still foggy today, in the fourth month since no-contact day, but the sun peeks through from time to time and lights up my life.

Exposure serves two purposes: to end the affair, and to provide support for the betrayed spouse.

Do you need more evidence? I did. I planted voice-activated recorders and hit pay dirt within 3 days as I overheard her discussing plans to divorce their spouses and shack up together. She claims that the conversation was all about him begging her to divorce me, and she was protesting... but I heard what I heard, and if that was a protest, it was sure a weak one.

My FWW was moving right along the wayward trail as yours is. Your gut knows what's right, but some of those friends -- and particularly the other man's wife! -- are going to demand evidence before they believe you.

I hoping I can get something on the recorder tonight. If I can the Enola Gay flies tommorow.

Good luck. I didn't expose. Now we're divorced.