Hi everyone

I posted on this site a number of years ago when I was going through my divorce (wife left me for another woman).. had a lot of really good help and encouragement so thought I'd give it a shot with my current dilemna since I don't know what to do..

I've been interested in this colleague of mine for 2 years, and after many months of trying (and being rejected) I suddenly find myself sleeping with her. I want a relationship, she doesn't, so for the time being, we're settling on being 'friends with benefits'.

I guess she's young and attractive, and she enjoys the attention of many men (I don't know if she sleeps with them, but I'm guessing she does with some of them). For me, having a sexual relationship with her has made things worse for me, as I've developed more and more feelings for her. She is intimate when we're together, but 'switches off' when we're not in bed, as any "FB" should, and though I pretend to also, I guess I do get feelings of jealousy when I think of her with someone else.

I know I shouldn't expect anything from her, as she's made it very clear where she stands. The sex is very good, but if she's not the one, how do I make myself stop wanting her?

Guess I just needed to let off some steam and to talk to someone about this. Thanks for reading guys

Well, you didn't expect to want less when you started getting more, did you?

I guess you just need to realize that you are another 'fb' an no more. Sounds like you are letting yourself be used. It sounds like she wants what she has and no more.

Do you really want a woman who will jump into me with a whole variety of men? Maybe you need to look at her character and wonder why you have these boundaries, or don't have them, as the case may be.

I guess I'm coming from the angle "i'm single, she's single" only its not working out as planned as I've started falling for her.

I know deep down that we could prob never be in a 'normal' relationship per se, but I guess I'm afraid of losing what we have now. We're great friends now, and were close friends even before we started sleeping with each other. Just that there's always a wall between us, no honesty, no trust. Then again, we're not in a relationship so its silly of me to expect otherwise

I don't think it's silly to expect and hope for what you really want. I think it's silly to settle for less then what you want, just because less then you want is available right now.

I think you should simply tell her that this isn't working for you. Tell her what kind of relationship you want, and that you can only let yourself get so close to her, emotionally and physically, and she can't or won't meet your real needs. Either she will decide that she wants to meet those needs, or you can give yourself a chance for a better relationship with someone else. You are not doing yourself or her any favors by continuing on as is.

But I get the feeling you know that, just don't know how to find the strength to carry it out. I think you just focus on the fact that your life will be better when you make the right decisions, even if that means passing on immediate gratification, emotionally and physically.

hi dkd

you're prob right, and i don't have the strength to carry it out. i suppose to me, having something is better than nothing.

anyway, i suppose unless somehting happens, i'll just take it a step at a time. thanks

That attitude is not going to do you any good in the long run. When someone settles for crumbs, that is what they get. Or, put another way, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

Actually, by not sleeping with her, you do not have "nothing". You have yourself and your pride and dignity, and that is worth way more than settling for booty call with someone with whom "there's always a wall between us, no honesty, no trust". The latter is no foundation for either sex or friendship relationship.

AGG

Hi Goodguy

I understand where you're coming from. I suppose having pride and dignity is important, but it's small consolation when I find myself alone at night.

I'm not sure if what we have can actually / eventually develop into any kind of relationship, but what puzzles me is how she can seemingly shut off her feelings for me once we are past the intimate stages, while I can't?

I am still trying to date other women, though I admit my focus is not really there. Sometimes I wish I can just be a playboy and not get my feelings all muddled up. I'm 33, not 18 anymore for goodness sake! :P

AGG and other's post are excellent. Mr. Confused - What are you talking about - You are ONLY 33 but you're acting like your 63. Stop it. While you are investing your time in a failing situation, you are losing time and opportunity to truly find what you want (and deserve). You need to remove yourself from the situation to free yourself to be open to other opportunities. Until you do you will remain stuck in the crate you created for yourself.

Time's a wastin - get movin.

Gg

You are a mature man with realistic emotional needs that should be met. Don't even wish that you could go backward and be some kinda player.
Look for someone who shares what you want allready and drop the little girl gently.

Don't try to be what you are not. You have nothing to prove.

Look, I spent 8 years being "alone" after my divorce, so I can relate. I also met enough Ms. Wrongs to know that I would much much rather be alone than wishing I were alone. From what you describe in your arrangement, you are miserable and in pain, and I don't see how the sexual release can possibly offset that. Maybe if you were 18, then yes, but at 33, I would think you'd make wiser choices . There is nothing wrong with being alone, it actually makes you a better partner than someone who was sleeping with their friends just to get a release. I certainly would never date someone who previously had a friends with benefits arrangements, I would not trust their boundaries. And yes, I did meet a woman like that, and dropped her like a hot potato once I got the full story.

AGG

Firstly, thank you all for taking the time to post. I certainly do agree with the points raised, esp from AGG. Having spent the last 2-3 years alone since my divorce, I am starting to feel like I prob won't find anyone else to have a meaningful relationship with. So I guess why I'm clinging to this woman, is also cos I feel that something may eventually happen between us.

But, you're also right in that I don't know where her boundaries are, nor do I know if her 'friends with benefits' statement is true or just a front to try and keep me from falling too deeply in love with her.

I'm sad, confused and a little angry, which is the way most of my week has been. Its funny how when we're together (not in bed, just together having dinner, coffee etc) I feel like I am in a budding relationship, but when we're communicating by SMS or internet chat, she can act indifferent. This Dr Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde act is driving me up the wall, cos I never quite know where we stand. She told me today she didn't want me to fall too deeply for her, cos she "knows that we wouldn't be together in the end" but I've loved and courted this girl for the last 1 year, so its a bit too late for that. She is not some one night stand, or some girl I just met off the street one day. We have been friends for at least 2 years, so you'll understand if I find it hard to just "drop" her and move on.

..and I do agree that I'm getting myself hurt by trying for a relationship, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Or at least, its easier said than done..

All thats true bro but its been my experiance that if a woman doesn't want to get "to seriuos" then the guy(s) who chase(s) her end up getting hurt.
What you are experiancing is normal for someone who is seeking a healthy relationship and I think you deserve better than this

Hi sorting it out,

I find myself getting angrier the more I think about it. Was trying to meet up with her this week and just kept getting told she's busy the whole week, without even something like 'perhaps on saturday' or something. I'm always the one initiating meetups, dinners. I guess I've been playing the role of the doormat too long and her indifference is finally seeping in...

I guess its true, that indifference is the most awful thing you can make a person feel...

This doesn't sound like the "great friends" thing you alluded to earlier.

I also dated a woman once who "allowed" herself to be pursued, all the while saying she was unsure that it would go anywhere. But in the meantime, she would "let me" wine and dine her, pursue her, etc.. I dunno why I fell into that pattern, but it was the most miserable relationship I ever had. I finally figured out that it takes two to play that stupid game, and only one to end it, so I finally did and have never felt better.

You too can get out of this miserable arrangement, and you can certainly do better.

AGG

I was pining for someone the same way for quite some time. There was no sex, but this person had a way of dragging you along.

Here is how to solve this: cut yourself off COMPLETLELY. Do not talk,email, phone, or see her. Within a month or two you will feel like a million bucks, and better yet, now you are available for someone with whom you could actually be in love with.

You WILL FEEL better. Trust me. It really did the trick for me. You already recognize that this is bad for you.

In your first post, you said she may be sleeping with other men. Get yourself checked for std and hiv, please.

Hi all

Thanks everyone for your replies. Since my last post, I had established that she has not slept with anyone else the past 6 months. She is dating other men, keeping her options open (as is her choice), but she has not been sleeping with anyone else besides me (at the moment). We both went through a company health screening (which includes HIV and the such) so no worries there.

I don't quite know what to say: she's still got her nice / bad moments, though she's clearly more open and affectionate when we're together.

My friend (another woman) has told me that she's probably stringing me along cos she knows I'm to "dependable".. she knows I'm always there, and is holding me in 'reserve' while she continues to look around. She advised me to play the game, cool it off, not be so 'always there' and to continue to date other women and see what happens. I'm tired of playing games, but will go along for now since I got nothing to lose anyway

She sounds like a rather secretive person, and I hope it is not true, but perhaps she is someone who sleeps with other women and thinks it is not cheating, just something to consider given your first wife. Examine if she has similarities to your first wife.

NJ

hi newjersey, I'm sure that's not the case at all.. but you're right, she is secretive

Firstly, a Happy 2010 to all, and best wishes for our relationships in the coming year!

After a couple of weeks in this situation, I realize that I'm in for trouble. I want to be with her (and not just sexually), but I am literally at her whim and fancy, as to whether she wants to see me at all. She tells me one day to "make an apponitment" after I complained one week where she was too busy to meet, and when I asked her which days she would be free the following week for dinner, she said she didn't like planning her week that way. I know, I'm pathetic, like a dog on a leash. I hate being the last priority on her list, and guess I've kinda expected to have at least more consideration from her now. I've dug a hole so deep I'm afraid to crawl out of it

My best friend has told me what you guys have told me from the start: seeing the way this is affecting me, I should put a stop to it, NOW. She has control of this situation and I should just end things with her. She neither knows or cares about me, or what she's putting me through. If she can make me feel like a million bucks one day and like crap the next, then its not worth it.

I agree, and I am trying to find the strength to end it.