Calm. Steady. Plan A. Don't talk relationship until NC is established. Look good. Smell good. Ask her to fill out the LB questionnaire (ignore any fog talk like 'you don't give me any space'), so you'll know what you do that she doesn't like, and stop doing them!

Then a week or two later, ask her to fill out the EN questionnaire, and make sure you're meeting her top 3-5 ENs.

How do I bring up the NC letter without pissing her off?
Whats plan A again? My brain is hurting so much right now?

You'll discuss NC if and when she comes to you and says she's ready to end the affair. Not before.

Go to the links to the right and read everything. Sounds like you need a refresher course on everything MB. Plan A means showing her what an amazing catch you are, and reminding her what she would be throwing away by leaving you.

I am so confused. I feel anger and hate and hurt and sick and repulsed! We all know what she has done now. And soon OMW will know. Then my WW will really hate me.
And I'm suppose to act like an amazing catch. She hasn't even come close to admitting anything. How are we going to move on if she can't even... oh, I get it. Be the man she wants me to be and she will start, what, feeling guilty or something.

AoA, you are in the "baby steps" stage right now. Just understand that this is a process and not an event.

And it's hard work. But if you want to restore your M and are willing to work to do so, just follow the course. The people here are your Sherpas. They know the paths, the pitfalls and the traps. They will steer you clear -- if you let them.

THx Fred.
I was just reading Harley's take on "Coping with Infidelity: Part 2 How Should Affairs End?" and he just said to tell the spouce about the affair. Nothing about exposing it to everyone. I feel like "two wrongs dont make a right" right now. Is that because WW is so pisssed off at me she is trying to make me feel guilty. If so, it is working.
I feel like I let her down.
I am trying to stay the course.
So I do the LBQ, be an amazing catch, and wait for her to tell me she wants to end the affair. Is that about it?

There are others who have the better words than I, but I can tell you this: Your WW is saying these things to make herslef feel good about her actions. The guilt and shame that most people instinctively feel about things like this have to be buried under layers of lies, deceit, denial and falsehood. Your WW is ADDICTED and until the addiction is treated, there is no hope for recovery.

You have to be the force behind breaking the addiction. People here will help you learn how to do so. But you have to let them.

Thats what I want to know! How do I break the addiction and get through all the lies? How do I know all the lies are gone and there is only truth?
If its the LBQ, fine, but tell me why. If its being an amazing catch, fine, but tell me why and what to look for.
I am an engineer, I dont just need to know what to do but why and how is it suppose to work and if it isnt what the backup plan is. It is a very dynamic situation and I can't keep coming in here and asking you guys every little thing.
Maybe just a few steps at a time.

lol, calm down, allover. Marathon, not sprint.

So, to speak in engineer terms, what steps need to take place for you to get back to your marriage, without OM?

(1) He gives her up or she gives him up.
(2) After going through withdrawal, the fog starts clearing, and she realizes she's still married to you, you've been strong and steady and loving this whole time, and still there for her.
(3) She sees OM for the sicko he is. Hates herself. Feels guilty. Wants to stay.
(4) You both work out a new plan for a new life, one that won't lead down that slippery path.

Timeline? Probably a couple of years, all told.

Now that you've exposed, two things could happen.

One, she could be so full of pride or toxic shame that she can't deal with you any more and leaves, and tries to make a go of it with OM (or some other OM) just to keep from having to admit you were right.

Or two, the fantasy of the A is shattered to pieces because her family/friends take her to task, she starts to see how it would never have worked, sees what she has at home (a wonderful you), and hits rock bottom and asks to come back.

You know this is a crap shoot. Heck, life is a crap shoot. But you are taking proactive steps to protect your marriage. That puts you way ahead of 90% of the men out there with WWs, who don't have a clue what to do, and end up divorced.

And, along the way, you're learning a LOT about yourself and what's important in life.

So, if she ends up being too dysfunctional to come home to you, you're better off without her and knowing now, rather than 20 painful years from now. And if she ends up being the person you thought she was when you married her, she'll accept this blip in her life and fix it and repair your marriage with you. Either way, YOU are a better person.

Cat - You always know what to say to put me at ease! THank you so much!

I know all this is probably in some post a couple of pages back, but I can't go back and search through all that has been posted. It hurts too much and I just want to go forward. So, I apologize if all this has been said to me before and I appreciate all the help.

I do feel like I am ahead of the game. Atleast ahead of WW and OM. I wish WW would read the coping with an affair with me. She could so much about what she is doing right now that is still so very destructive to our marriage.

She knows she hurt me real bad with the affair and she probably thinks that I will leave her or hate her more if she told me the WHOLE truth. When in fact, I am hurting even more knowing she isn't being honest with me.

You need to expose to OMW now!

What is the delay?

Probably couldn't hurt to put that in a card and give her.

I have found great value in re-reading my own thread from the beginning. I think it is a good exercise that you should do, when you feel you can. You will get there. You can do it. We are all here for you.

Gack - The delay is everytime I call there OM answers. I am having my sister send the letter from another state so that I have a better chance of OMW opening it and not him.
OM knows that I know he is back in my WW life from the mistake I made early on with the craigslist ad email. So his is intercepting now. I have to be smart with getting her the info or she will never get it.

Cat - Re-worded a little, I quess you're right! Thanks for the idea!

mfoss - It was helpful for me to go back and look at my post from 2 yrs ago. I just wish I would have followed every aspect of what everyone was telling and I might not be posting this thread. I imagine I will, but not yet!

Thanks!

Does OM work?
Does OMW work?

Have the letter sent TODAY!

Here's a thought:

If you have a computer (and you must, or you wouldn't be posting here, right?), print the envelope using software. If you can, download or purchase envelope/address software. Then, print out an *official* appearing envelope. Do NOT use a return address. Print PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL underneath the person's address.

Anything you can do to get the letter past the OM.

Just hire a courier service! That only SHE can sign for.

Gack - They both work. My sister is putting it in the mail today.

Fred - They still stamp it from GA. I am sure he is looking right now for every piece of mail that comes to the house.

I will keep trying, trust me. I know WW will be massively upset and go ballistic, but it has to be done and it will be done.

OMW work number?
OMW parents number/Address?

No idea.