Again,

Not sure why I even care about this question. But it was about why hate the OP and not hate the BS. Of course, the poster doesn't know if the BS is hated.

Maybe the answer is Well that's how the BS feels and , logical or not, those feelings are ok.

Perhaps the reason I equivocate the way I do is that I hold BOTH WW and OM responsible.

As has been said here, there are many reasons for an A. There is never any excuse/justification.

I know the OM, and I know what a sneak he is. I've heard things about him that WW likely never has (and would ignore it now, anyway). But WW left the M. When the tough got going, so did she. She claims that she tried and tried, but then instead of trying some more, she took the "easy" way out.

She was feeling sorry for herself, and was vulnerable. OM was sympathetic and looking for a little on the side (he's been separated for how long?). So, in short order, the A.

And because she went against every precept and principle she claimed to hold, I wonder seriously about her. Was she the wife I thought she was, or is she just showing her true colors now, and I was blind to the truth?

This is the mixed blessing of Plan B. It gives me time to find myself during the dark period. And even though I'm still new in it (two weeks today), I'm feeling more comfortable with myself (and last night I actually had a good night's sleep. That does wonders!).

No, I see much worse. The resentment and hatred for the WS is much greater. There are many articles warning against acting on such anger and speaking to the resentment against the WS. I see no articles here about resentment against the OP. I see no posts over on the weekend forum about fury against the OP, but I see SCADS of them aimed at the WS.


I don't believe a person has to BE a "mental health professional" to know that anger is a natural, healthy response to an assault. One only has to possess common sense. A 5 year old understands that if his brother hits him, anger is the logical response. He doesn't need a degree in psychology to know that. If a person doesn't have such anger it doesn't logically follow that they are not normal, just that their lack of anger is normal for THEM.


It is part of the way a healthy, normal person handles their emotions when they are assualted.

[quote=MelodyLane
but with the fact that when someone commits a crime against you, a normal, healthy rational mind will naturally hate that person.
quote]

Mel, this is what I was getting at. He and I both committed the crime against her and I was just wondering (from what I've read here) that the BW usually hates the OW more. Asymmetry as 6 years said.

I have not had any contact with OM and most of the time I do not even think of him. Sometimes, I do get triggered just the same as a BW does and it does make me consider things.

Today, I was triggered when I saw OMW in passing and it just made me ponder the fact why she hates me more than WH when HE was just as responsible as I--and, I do not know this for fact. I do not know anyone who tells me anything about him or the state of their M. We do not have any friends in common.

So, if anyone is thinking that I have had contact--I have not. You just can't help but wonder about these things sometimes.

This woman has done nothing to me--even though as one poster said before that I deserved to be shot by her and I agree with that.

I am not going back to my wayward ways and I am working to improve and rebuild my marriage. I will never get caught up in this web of affairism again--I have learned the hard way. It is just alot to overcome for a wayward person who has truly seen the results of their actions just as it is for a betrayed although in different ways. It is still alot--guilt, remorse, etc.

So, please, I am just trying to learn more here from the betrayed point of view.

ITA with Pep as well, and I have written many-a-posts on this subject.

To many of us women, there IS a "sisterhood" and we DO look out for each other.

OW do NOT do this...instead, they stab one of their "sisters" in the back.

I just find this whole post so loaded with ill-will for the BW that it leaves me breathless, coming as it does from someone who describes herself as a "FWW", and posted on MB of all places.

I suspect that you would like to see his wife's hatred for the WH/OM, and knowledge about his other affairs, because if the BW felt and knew those things there is NO WAY that she would would stay with her H.

Leaving the way open for you.

Hmm. Now how to get her to hate him more. I know! Tell her about the others. That'll make her dump him!

My H's OW told her H that she was saving all my H's emails to send me one day. If her marriage went down the pan, and if the basket OM who lied to her and sweet-talked her into giving free snatch (my H) were not only to dump her, but to have a recovered marriage and a happy life - well, she was not going to stand for that.

Are those your thoughts, Dawn?

Mel,

Just a suggestion on phrasing then. You post would have read less like an absolute definition of a normal, healthy, rational mind if you had said anger is one of the possible responses of a normal, healthy rational mind.

Written the other way

implies that if there is no hate the mind is either not normal, healthy, rational or the response is not natural.

Thats because there are very few people posting here who are divorced. They are a distinct minority. Most of them have moved on.

Even so, its really unrealistic to make generalizations about feelings towards X's, OP's and WS's because all situations are so different.

In my current marriage, I didn't hate the OW. I have no hard feelings for her. She dumped my H when she found out he was married.

In my previous marriage, I loathe the OW and I am divorced. [they are still together] On the other hand, you have sick, demented predator OW like in the marriedforevers case who diligently tried to destroy her family. Every situation is different.

I will sure consider your suggestion and in turn suggest that if you feel someone is "implying" something, just ask first rather than assume. K?

Sugarcane

No, I explicitly stated that it was just a thought that I was wondering about. I have no ulterior motive to my question. I just simply wondered why it was usually so lopsided.

I do not want OM now nor in the future. Believe it or not, I have learned alot from reading the posts here from BW's and feel horribly about the trauma that I have taken place in for this woman.

I don't want this guy--anymore. Sure, I did at one time but, that was before I realized it was a fantasy. I do not want to be a BW and if I were with him that is precisely what I would be at some point.

Can't people wonder about things without being personally attacked?

And, Pep--no, I was just pondering the reasons. You are right--we all need to be looking out for each other. And, this is what I will do from now on.

I am not a horrible person--was at one time but I truly have seen my faults and promise myself that I will not let these things effect me ever again.

Thanks for all for your posts.

I hate neither the OM or my XWW. They are ignorant goofballs. I am pissed at them, but no hate.

Everyone
This thread is really not healthy for anyone so can we place just put it to rest. It doesent matter why BS hate OW it really doesent there are too many reasons for them to be listed in one place and its not healthy to ponder on that.

Dawn I really hope for your M sake that this is what you say it is just a question and wish you luck with your M. Please remember that OM and his family are not part of your M or life anymore so try to think of them as Dead if you have to go to that extream. I love the suggestion of writing your apology reading it with your H and burning it maybe that will help you get it out of your sistem and include him in your thoughts wich im sure is what he wants.

And, Sugarcane, I truly bear no ill will to OMW--she has never done anything to me and has conducted herself with such grace that I would have never been able to muster.

I do not wish to tell her of WH's other A--that is something that she will have to discover herself.

I love my H very much--he has been a wonderful person through all this and we are doing quite well I believe. And, I hope it continues to improve.

I definitely agree that divorced are rare on these forums. I stick around because the people here helped me to see that D was the right choice for my situation. As I guess it was for you on your first marriage.

One more time:

The WH, no matter how badly he behaved, is still the BW's FAMILY and she is trying to keep her FAMILY together.

The OW is an outsider and an intruder. She is not FAMILY.

Not sure what part of that you do not understand.
Mulan

I understand it completely Mulan. Thank you.

I think that's good for the forum, because sometimes the definition of success IS divorce. I wish there were more.