I have posted my story before, though it was lost when the forum went down. I really need advice and opinions from the experts here as I am so confused in this craziness!

I'm 44, WH 41; married 4 years, together 7. Have 3 year old triplets. Unfortunately, my WH has had 3 affairs and 1 ONS that I know of. DD#1 was 6 weeks after our wedding, DD#2 was when I was pregnant with our triplets, and DD#3 (OW works with WH though in a completely different dept. and building) was 8-7-09. I filed D that morning. Exposed that same day to my family and friends. All of his family and friends already knew about the OW!

We did some phone counseling with Steve Harley and went to a marriage retreat at the end of October. I know that I stopped meeting his ENs after being so hurt by the past affairs. (Wish that I had found MB after DD#1). The affair is finally over (after many breaks in no contact). The last communication that I know of was on Nov. 15 from OW. I called her and told her to leave my husband and family alone. He also called her in front of me and aksed why she texted him? (she didn't answer the phone) I still snoop to be sure.

I am really struggling now with wanting way more from him than he is giving. As I read here, I feel very bad that he is not doing everything possible to make it up to me and salvage our marriage. However, when I read SAA I also realize that is probably not going to happen. I am having an extremely hard time with avoiding love busters as I'm feeling like my ENs are not being met and that I'm just headed for more of the same. I feel like if any ideas for recovery (e.g. exchanging phones when he comes home, he going to individual counseling as I already am, etc.)come from me, they are met with resistance. I feel like he is still on the fence as to whether he wants our marriage to work or not. (We stopped the divorce process) I think that he feels he would love to have our marriage be great but is not willing to do the hard work to make it so.

I guess my questions are:
1. Is this common when WS is in withdrawal or still in the fog?

2. If so, what do I do? Do I still try to Plan A? My taker is screaming out right now! Do I just need to be more patient with the process? Or am I just being a fool and need to realize that he really is just a serial cheater that will never change?

I can see why you are discouraged. From what you describe , your WH seems to lack any sense of real remorse or appreciation for the extent of the trauma.
As you have recounted , he is a serial cheater who broke NC numerous times. So, you may have to take a long, hard look at whether he is really the person you wish he were. I do think folks with this type of track record, the serial cheaters, may be a different breed.

crushed4, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

We often say around here: Do not go by what a WS says. Go by what they actually do.

He is still being secretive. He is still dragging his feet. He's got you walking on eggshells. In your own words, he is still sitting on the fence.

Well, this is all quite normal for an active WS, but no, it is not normal for anyone who actually cares about their marriage and family.

He sure sounds to me like he is still cheating. Sure, he's done a few things to placate you and get you off his back, but he's really just thrown you a few crumbs and then blamed you for still starving.

Is there any way you can arrange to go to Plan B? He is quite happy with this situation - he's got you dangling and frantic, and no doubt he's still got his OW(s).

No consequences for bad behaviour = no motivation to change. And believe me, your suffering is NOT a consequence to him.

My take is that he will continue like this forever. YOU will have to break this cycle. Can you do Plan B?
Mulan

It's time for Plan B. Christmas is a great time to do it, for maximum effect.

Has your husband been married before? If so, do you know if there were affairs?

AGREED. COLD AND DARK!! Let this yahoo see what life would be w/out you before he tears you down..DUDE

Thank you all for your replies. No, he has never been married before. I don't think that he is still in contact with the OW; however, that doesn't mean that he is still not wayward in his thoughts (feeling entitled, not being completely open, etc.)

I have been seriously contemplating going to Plan B but I wasn't sure if I should do that if the affair is "over" and he's just not completely head over heals committed to R. I thought that you go to Plan B to protect yourself from the insanity of the affair. In SAA Dr. Harley talks about how the (F)WS was not fully into their R from the beginning either but with time they grew closer etc. and recovered. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do a very dark Plan B due to my children. (We had a separation agreement made in which he was able to see the children every night after work and one day on the weekend. However, before he had to move out we went to the marriage retreat and we decided we were going to work on things. So I don't have an IM that can do this everyday for me.) I have asked him to leave several times in the last couple of weeks and he refuses. So I will have to resume the divorce proceedings to make him do so.

I agree with you, Mulan, that he is giving me just enough to keep me hanging on. This is what has me really upset now. I DO NOT want to ever go through this again so I want to do the right thing, hence me posting here.

Zelmo, you're absolutely right about having to decide whether this is his true character. I know that he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with in order for us to recover and I think he still wants to blame me. As I type this, I guess I'm getting my answer......sad as it is.

Thanks for letting me vent. I just want to do everything possible to recover my marriage if it is recoverable.

Plan B is for you, not him. It's to keep you from going insane from having to be the Giver for the family. He is a serial cheater. You had to drag him into NC kicking and screaming, and most likely NC only because you called her out on her behavior, so she left your H alone.

He should have quit his job, would have, if he were really serious about being true to you.

IF you don't protect yourself, he will drag you down into some serious depression, or worse.

Catperson, I hear you loud and clear! I had been doing better a month or so ago, but I feel like I am going backward. It feels like I just found out about the A yesterday. So Plan B should be implemented even when they are in withdrawal or still in the fog?

Here's the deal. Sit him down and tell him that this isn't working. That you need extraordinary precautions from him. You need to check his phone records every day. He needs to tell you where he goes. And he needs to quit his job. You need some way to feel safe with him. You need more.

If he tells you he has no more to give, then you have your answer.