My husband and I have been having problems for almost three years when I discovered I was pregnant. It was unplanned, my husband turned 50 during the pregnancy and our daughter was almost 13. We thought we were close to done and looking forward to life w/o kids. He was very verbally abusive during our pregnancy because he was devastated. I was struggling too, but I guess it was my mother instincts that came through and I was very protective and became angry and distant with him.

Once the baby was born, he stopped with the verbal abuse but we were just living seperate lives. He was very uninvolved with the baby. I focused on being a mom. We definately were leading seperate lives.

His dad became sick and died last year. During this time he started going to the bars. I suspected he was messing around with this one woman and asked him not to have contact with her. About a month later I discovered him wher. He was very defiant and didn't really show remorse. I told him I needed a break. The stress and tension in our house was too much. I couldn't get him to listen or even talk to me. I moved out and asked him not to have contact w/her and remain faithful to me. I just wanted a breather and fully expected to move back in within weeks. Thought we would ask me back...

I found out he slept with her shortly after I moved. He said he was so mad at me for moving out so soon after his dad died. He said our problems w/this woman could have been dealt with other ways.

Months later I have some proof and pretty much believe he had a full blown relationship with this woman the whole time I have been out of the house.

I guess my question is, should the extenuating cercumstances, his dads death, moving out,etc., lessen the act of adultery. Did I push him when he was down into the arms of someone else. If I move back in should I feel like I can trust him because we live together, this is what he says.

My worry is he will be good for about six months then it will be back to the same ole same ole. I should mention, he did have an affair about 8 yrs ago on me. He says that situation was totally different than this.

I don't know, do I even try to make the marriage work. I feel like everyone in our little town knows what he's been up to and I will look like a fool and feel like one too.

If you were living separate lives and had no romance, love, sex - it's pretty understandable that he'll start looking for those things somewhere else...

Nagging your husband is the first step to infidelity!

That is not what Dr Harley states. This is Dr Harley's Marriage Builders site and this poster has come here looking for MB advice, not encouragement to buy your book.

The reason a person cheats is......

They have no boundaries and they are selfish. Everyone has stress. Everyone deals with tragedy. Lots of people have stresses in their marriage. They don't all cheat. There is nothing that "lessens" adultery. The idea that you somehow caused this is just more of that modern society mumbo jumbo crap that we all spew to keep us from taking responsibiliy for our actions. And I am not writing as an "angry BW" (don't they hae a right to be angry???). I am a FWW. I could list all sorts of things going on in my life and/or marriage when started the slippry slope to an affair. But it way MY choces, MY selfishness, and MY lack of boundaries. Anyone who wants to qualify their bad choices with psychobabble isn't truly remorseful and doesn't want real recovery. OK, enough rant.

In order for your husband to truly help you - and himself - recover from this, he needs to own 100% of his choices. You didn't "drive" him to anything. Real grownups make choices. Moral grownups make the right choices even when it is tough. Yes, exmine yourself and your life. That is always a good thing. See what you can improve and change. But don't make real ownership of his wrong optional. He must own it, never contact that woman again, and be totally transparent with you.

And if you want to read a book, Surviving An Affair is a great place to start.

Thank you lurioosi2. I am so scared because we had boundaries after the first affair, no bars or drinking w/o each other. He used his dad's sickness and death to make breaking the boundaries ok.He is making all kinds of promises again, thats why I think he will go back to his ways after a few months.

I feel the way you do about myself. I keep telling him that the way he treated me, lack of love and compassion, etc. could have and should have led me to another man, when using his reasoning.But I dealt with all life's problems w/o going outside of the marriage. I may not have done everything 'right' but I didn't do the 'wrong' thing. I tell him I have always thought about him before I made choices on how I handled myself. Is that too much to expect in return from my husband?

I don't know how I am suppose to deal with his affair. He will only confess to sleeping with her once. I don't believe him. I found her facebook page and up till november she listed herself being in a complicated relationship. During an argument last week he made the statement 'she would take me back today'. And I caught him at the bar w/her 3 times last month, they were there alone. I miss my home and my family being together, but knowing he is not being honest about their relationship is eating me alive. How can I go forward with saving the marriage if I feel so strong he is still keeping secrets?

He told me this morning he went to the post office last night at an odd time. I just got this awful feeling he went to speak to her because she works right next to our town's p.o. I have been sick ever since, but was too afraid to tell him how I feel. I am afraid if he knows I am suspicious he will be good and when he thinks I am comfortable with things he will go see her then. I am afraid I will feel like this every time he leaves the house if I move back in.

And to JackieJhonson - I was not nagging, I was trying to be loving to him after his dad's death and allow him to do what he felt he needed to do....'go have a beer' I only nagged after I found out he was messing around, thank you. And living seperate lives meant he went and did his own thing and never showed much concern for me and our kids. I was trying to be a good wife and give him what he was afraid he was going to lose with a new baby...sex. I made our sex life a priority. Its hard to do when I recieved little in return myself.

In my case, even after I confessed my A, and I truly felt badly for what I had done, I still held on to a little "wisp" of the A. Every time my H heard something from me that was inconcsistent, he questioned. He snooped. The two times I broke NC, he called me on it. The second time was in the middle of the night. I was in bed, and he started packing, told me NOT to bother getting up. That was when the full force hit me. His zero tolerance drove the point home. So yes, you have every right to expect real and lasting change. For the rest of your lives. This isn't a scenario where the WS is really careful and dutiful until it is "fixed." A WS must change their thinking and behavior forever. I would check out everything he does to make sure he is going where he says he is going.

We are given such crap messages from other sources, from the idea that forgiveness means you forget it ever happens to the idea that if your H cheats you must not have done a good job "keeping your man at home." These are poisonous ideas and should be avoided like the plague.

You are 50% responsible for your marital problems, your husband is 100% responsible for his decision to have sex outside of your marriage. There is NO reason to have sex out of the marriage. Just because you moved out is not a reason.

As what has been pointed out, we all have stress and other life problems, its called life...screwing another person and saying that my dad just died is part of the reason is BS.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B?

I think you need to do a very quick Plan A and then go directly to a very dark Plan B.