Hi Dazed,<P>I wanted to comment on your post to Fool No More. I thought your posts in that thread were very heartfelt. For some reason, I didn't know all of that about you. <P>I've read your profile before and many posts in the past, but you gave me much more insight to the problems you face on a daily basis. Thank you. It helped me understand some of the things I struggle with.<P>I picked up my Susan Page book again and started reading it after your recommendation in that thread. I think I need to reread many of my books. I don't think I really studied the Susan Page book as much as I should have. <P>My question for you is: Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently in your situation? <P>Thanks Dazed, <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 21, 1999).]

SHA, it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. My H is a very high-maintenance guy. I've always been the stable, competent person that made things right in his life -- I guess I've been the mom he lost when he was 12.<P>For a long time, we were sort of two ships that passed in the night. Neither of us was able to handle the intimacy of a marriage. And for a long time, it worked. I used to be involved in a lot of activities -- friends, long work hours, commuting, volunteer work. He never once said a word that he had a problem with it. He didn't have friends, he was always home when I came home.<P>I guess that made me feel secure.<P>Spring 1998 was the first time in years that he had people he could call friends. They gave him a lot of the emotional support that he was used to getting from me. I was finishing school (something he supported), and I was really getting into writing the movie reviews.<P>I was unaccustomed to even thinking he might not be happy. Even after all this mess started, he'd still say, "I think we're a good team."<P>As it was, it wasn't until I finished school and he was going out drinking with his friends 3-4 nights a week, sometimes till 11:00, and never inviting me, that I even realized something was wrong. Then PSBFH started calling the house, there was the California trip, and that's when it started.<P>The problem I have now is how do I find a balance between his needs and me as a person? How do I keep from allowing him to blackmail me into catering to him constantly? I found out this morning that he's upset about work again; I'm sure that contributed to the snoring thing. But how should I have known?<P>Sometimes I feel so drained I don't know if I can go on. I feel I don't get enough back to compensate for what I give. And when he does give, I feel as if it's crumbs. I don't feel I can rely on him "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" -- if the sickness and worse is mine, not his.<P>I'm working with the therapist on filling my own tank, because it ain't happening with him. He tries as best he can, but he doesn't have much reserves to offer.<P>All I can say is that in some ways I'm glad I'm middle-aged and overweight and don't work with any males I particularly like, or I'd end up like poor Hummingbird here -- either that or have to change jobs again.<P>When things are good, I really feel content. Sex is good, if not as often as I'd like. But sometimes I feel like I'm settling for crumbs. I feel overwhelmed by responsibility to him for his well-being. I want to make home a place of refuge for him, where he's happy, but I don't know how well I succeed.<P>I don't think this answers your question. But if I had it to do over again, I think I would have not been so scared. I would have looked at our life from HIS point of view a bit more; something I never did. I think some of this is years of resentment on his part for me neglecting him for my own activities.

Dazed and Confused,<P>I read the same Susan Page book, and countless others. I too am struggling with balancing my needs versus H's needs during this time. My H has been having an affair for 8 months. During the 6 months I have known, I have struggled with trying to help me and to help him. He seems somuch more emotionally needy than me, even though I feel so devastated by the ongong events.<P>You ask good questions - how to take care of self during this time. I am interested in how others cope.<P>Roll Me Away

Incredible Dazed. I thought you were writing about me!! Even down to the ""I think we're a good team." quote. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I think I would have not been so scared. I would have looked at our life from HIS point of view a bit more; something I never did. I think some of this is years of resentment on his part for me neglecting him for my own activities.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Tears welled up in my eyes when I read this. Your last sentence here is <B>me</B> as well. Ugh. <P>Dazed, I'm looking for contentment too. My marriage is much better than it was a year ago, but I'm still not happy. Getting this OM out of her life isn't going to happen any time soon. As long as he is in the picture, I feel I will never be happy. My wife has to make that decision. I can't make it for her.<P>I wonder why she doesn't agonize over this like I do. Why is she content with the way things are? <P>This whole thing is so draining. I have to find a way to fill my tank too because I'm not getting enough in return either. I don't need much either. <P>Thank you so much for the additional insight.<P>SHA

Dazed,<P>I have never posted to you, but have been around for awhile. Something just crossed my mind and it isn't very pleasant, but here goes.<P>Maybe part of the problem with H and why he seems so high maintenance is that he doesn't feel he can count on you. You said "I don't feel I can rely on him "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" -- if the sickness and worse is mine, not his. Maybe he feels the same way. By your own statements you really were not there for many years. The only time he has gotten your attention is by his most recent behavior (high maintenance). He is probably very afraid if he went back to very "low maintenance " you would go back to your treatment of him. <P>Even now you are trying to balance his needs and yours as a person. While such balance is really good, he doesn't know where you feel the balance point is. Hence he is now "high maintenance". <P>I know this is not a pleasant thought, but it took years to get to your present position and he has no other "data" to go on. He started to make a life for himself just as you had been doing.<P>The problem with posting this is that I really cannot offer you any advice on how to get out of this situation. Perhaps some with much more knowledge can do so or perhaps your councelor. But recall your councelor has only dealt with your H, in this current state.<P>I wish you the best of luck.<P>God Bless you and your H.

Just Learning:<P>You don't really know the whole story, though I understand you getting that impression.<P>The involvement in other activities lasted primarily from 1983 to 1993, when I stopped working in the city and didn't have my work friends to go out with any more. My H quit his job of 9 years in 1986, with no advance warning, and I had to carry the financial weight until he got settled into a systems career. In 1989 he quit a job again, with no advance warning, to take an intensive college course. He had a tough time with it, and went into a severe depression. That was the time when I became attracted to a co-worker and changed jobs.<P>In the last year, he got fired twice and had a consulting gig terminated prematurely. And I stuck around. After the consulting gig, I told him we'd be fine, but I needed him to hold himself together. He saw that as not supportive enough, and went running to his "friend."<P>He has always been able to rely on me to be there, to pick up the pieces, to pay the bills, to hold things together when he's had job crises.<P>When he's been sick, I've taken care of him. He's had some urinary tract problems over the years and I've gotten him to doctors. I've made sure he's had medical coverage. I stuck with him when he was down.<P>I've always been the fix-it lady, the one who keeps his reality together.<P>Yes, I used to go out more than I should have. But that stopped almost completely in 1993. I went to grad school from 1993 to 1998 -- an accomplishment HE supported wholeheartedly.<P>He needs me to be stable, to reassure him that everything's going to be all right. He needs me to be calm when he's anxious, and I'm kind of an anxious person too. It puts a lot of strain on me.<P>I'm not saying I'm perfect. Clearly there were things I did wrong. But not being there for him has never been one of those things.<P>I'd just like to feel that I don't always have to be the strong one.