As my username and subject heading state, I need urgent help.

I've read some of the posts and many have been helpful but like anything not every situation is the same and I would like some help with mine.

I have been married to my wife for 4 and a half years and have 2 boys aged 3 and 19 months. Last week my wife was told of my affair with a work/sport colleague of mine that has been taking place over the past 16 months.

She revealed my sexual encounters with 4 other women and whilst not all of the story my wife has confronted me with is entirely correct she is understandably devastated. I'm not going to try and make this about how it occurred or focus on my own feelings as my main aim is to try and rectify this as soon as possible.

I understand that I may not provide enough information in the first instance but am happy to reply if requested. Since my wife confronted me she has ordered me out of the house and officially separated from me. I have been in contact with her both in person and electronically as much as possible. I have deleted any contact with the women she was told about and intend to do all that has been advised in Plan A.

My work is in sport and whilst it would be a sacrifice I have told her I am willing to give up my sporting life and work and do whatever it takes to resolve this such that we can be together. I have tried to focus on the children as the main reason as I would think she would not believe me if I said it was so taht we can continue or life together. She has let me see them despite her anger towards me on these occasions. I am grateful for this but want to know what else I can do.

I have arranged counselling after the new year, as soon as we can get in to a place we have attended prior to our marriage as a precaution and once some 12 months ago. I am willing to do whatever it takes and understand it all depends on her to accept it, something I am not sure she will do. I have directed her to this and other resources however I believe her to think that they are not worthwhile.

I have not admitted the full extent of my extra-marital relations due to being scared that she will not entertain the thought of me being in her life because of what I have done to her. And also since the main woman has revealed it to her I am not able to deny it, nor should I.

Please help as I am desparate to save this marriage. Lots of information has been left out of this regarding our marriage history and other details for the sake of briefness. Thankyou to any of you that may be able to help me.

Why do you want to save this marriage. It sounds like you did not want to take the necessary precautions to protect your marriage, you got caught and now you want to save it. I think the ball is in your wifes court.

Here is the deal from what I see. You promised to be faithful to her, you broke your promise, so why would she believe anything else you have to say. You have damaged your credibility.

The only thing I can see that might possibly speak to her is to put it all on the line, that if she ever catches you cheating, if she can ever forgive you, is you give her all of your assets, or something else that is valuable to you. Otherwise I see no reason for her to believe a word you speak.

It is time for you to start thinking with your big head. If your wife is ever able to forgive you it seems to me you will have years of going to extraordinary lengths to continually prove to her you will never betray her again. I think you blew it big time. I mean one is bad but four women shows you are a serial cheater. Where do you go from there? I think all you can do is ask for mercy and see what she says because you have given her four good reasons to kick your backside to the curb.

Hey man, protect your wife and get a divorce. You are not ready or fit for marriage if you keep cheating. Why be married fi you want to mess around, just get a divorce and date as many as you want after that.

Let your wife have the kids and pay her support. Then go live your life as the cheaterman you are.

****edit****

Why do you believe you have any right to fraudulently keep your wife in this "marriage"?

Do your wife a favour and confess every sordid liasion without lies. Answer all questions 100% honestly and don't lie by omission.

However do you even think this will be resolved "quickly"?

If you did not get cought would you still be posting here? What do you get from cheating? What makes you do it?
Really, you might be better off leaving you wife alone, getting a D and then dating.
Quite honestly, could you stay faithfull to her for the rest of your life? Ask yourself that question, because I have serious doubts you can.
But you have to be honest with yourself and if the answer is no, I can't be faithful for the rest of my life, then take your responsibilities as a father, pay alimony and then move on with your bachelor's life.
Does cheating make you happy? Does sleeping with lots of women make you happy? Where will you be 10-20 years down the line....? Where do you want to be?
blessing

Sorry, UHN; but you are a joke.

You need gleen "urgent help" from us so you can get what you want (your M back).

Without confessing, being truthful or EVEN IN YOUR OWN POST- mentioning one word about humility or what you have done to your wife.
It reads all about you, you annnnnd more you.

"I was caught diddling her, her, and let's see her...but my wife does not know about her-- so I think I can cut my losses and get my family back.."
Sorry, we do not give cheaters advice on how to snow their B.S.

Your poor wife. Grow up, Wayturd.
:wavingsanta:

Is this TIGER WOODS????

What prompted you to try now? Why do you need her?

Pretending to be Tiger, are we?

Not funny.
Not cute.

UHN, please listen up:

There may be a (slim) chance you can save your marriage, but it isn't going to be all-better & forgotten quickly or without lots of tough emotional digging by both of you. And unless you start to get honest right now, you have NO chance at all.

Almost a year ago, I was where you are. I never wanted to leave my wife & family, but once I was in my affair, I was happy to "have my cake & eat it too." I am not sure when or whether I'd have quit until my other woman's husband found her out; this forced me to come clean to my wife if I wanted to have a chance of saving my marriage & my family. Although I "only" cheated with one woman over "only" a 10-week period, I have been in your shoes, to an extent. Some things that I discovered in the process of crawling out of my own self-inflicted marital train-wreck:

--Complete honesty on your part is essential. "Trickle-truth" will set you back. Trying to "protect" your wife's feelings by hiding secrets from her will make your marital recovery that much harder, not simpler. Tell her what she asks. Attempts at covering your bum will be seen as exactly that -- as acts of pure self(ish)-interest. Get rid of every illusion that you're smart enough to lie & conceal your way out of this. You can't. After all, you were stupid enough to convince yourself that you wouldn't get caught, weren't ya?

--Resist the urge to try to explain your actions. While there are explanations, please keep in mind that explanations are NOT the same as excuses (and there ARE no excuses for what folks like you & I did when we cheated). Unfortunately for you, a betrayed spouse is most likely not in any condition to be a able to distinguish between explanations & attempted excuses. Don't let yourself come off sounding in her ears like you're trying to minimze what happened.

--Let her be angry & vent. Remember that you -- the one person who swore to protect her -- have just taken her heart & dashed it to the ground. She's got every right to be upset. If she wants space, give her space. If she wants you to get out of the house, then get out of the house. If she wants you to go to a marriage counselor, don't argue with her. Acting in her interest is no guarantee that you can pull out of this nosedive, but it's the only chance you've got.

--It's essential that you cease ALL contact with the other women immediately & henceforth. Any contact will set you back. This is non-negotiable. Non-negotiable. Did you understand? NON-negotiable.

--If you don't want to lose your wife, tell her so, unequivocally. This is the time to check any pride at the door. You want to be trusted again by her someday, so you're going to have to be willing to commit an act of trust, by placing your heart entirely in her hands, to see if she rejects it or (with time) accepts it. She deserves to be able to make this choice under conditions of truth from you, not laboring under the web of deceit that you're continuing to spin for as long as you hold out on the full truth. If you ever want her to forgive you, then she has to know all it is that you need to be forgiven for.

--If I were you, I'd steer well clear of expressing that the "children" are the reason you want to save the marriage. That could come off sounding to her like "Gee, honey, I wouldn't try to restore our marriage just on YOUR account, but I'll give it a go for the kids' sake." If I were a wife & you told me that, I'd speed you on your way with the nearest sharp object I could shove up your behind. Man, do you really want to rescucitate your marriage or not? If you don't, why should your wife even waste another moment of her life trying? If it's HER you want, then TELL her so. She may not be willing to believe you for a long time -- only time & your subsequent actions & conduct will tell for sure -- but if it's the truth, keep telling her.

--Patience on your part is essential. You probably want to forget this ever happened. But you won't; neither will your wife. Perhaps you can make your relationship with her better than it was before your affair, and you can get it back to a place where it won't seem like work; but it will take lots of work & patience to get to that place. Think in terms of months & maybe years, not days/weeks.

--Obtain & read the book "Surviving An Affair." Now. Your wife may not want to read it with you right away, although I'd strongly encourage that she do so as well. As my wife says, it's a book that may have saved our marriage.

Are you up for it?

Nah, somebody trying to be funny. This isn't funny on a board full of people who truly need help.

Members,,,,PLEASE!

Let's give this new member the benefit of the doubt.

Assumptions & sarcasm are not helpful.

Please give him your best MarriageBuilders advice & suggestions for his situation.

Thanks JustUss, I am not Tiger and the coincidence of our situations and the insinuations are not helpful, especially as I have directed my wife to this forum posting in the hope that it may help.

I appreciate any constructive advice, whether it be advising me to leave which is what I do not want to do, or to fight as GloveOil has suggested. After divulging all to my wife last night I feel as though I am on the right track however this isn't the end but only the beginning in my eyes of a difficult road ahead.

I am actively maintaining no contact and will do this by leaving my job if required. All of the advice about obtainihg marriage counselling I have already acted upon, and my wife is prepared to attend. I know I'm still asking what should I do but I also know that a lot of this depends on what my wife does.

Thanks again, and I look forward to hearing any other helpful suggestions from you.

Thought I would give some further eresponse to GloveOil's post.

Complete honesty on your part is essential - I definitely am and was when revealing all last night, I will do this from now on.

Resist the urge to try to explain your actions - I tried to do this, not excusing anything just informing what happened.

Let her be angry & vent - I have worn a lot and am willing to as I deserve it, I don't expect anything else and won't for a while.

It's essential that you cease ALL contact with the other women immediately & henceforth - I have deleted all contact mechanisms ie facebook, phone, msn, etc and will work/sportwise ASAP.

If you don't want to lose your wife, tell her so, unequivocally. - I have tried to make it clear that this is true.

--If I were you, I'd steer well clear of expressing that the "children" are the reason you want to save the marriage. - I started on this last night and will continue to let her know.

Patience on your part is essential. - I am being patient and will continue to be as I know this and am in for the long haul.

Obtain & read the book "Surviving An Affair." - I am yet to do this but will look at getting a copy of it and ask her to read.

Thanks again I appreciate those that are able to help me in this.

Whether this story is legit or not the same MB concepts apply:

1 - No contact. If you see this woman any work capacity, start look for other employment now. "Business" contact is bullcrap.

2- Tell you BW the truth regardless of the potential consequences to yourself. If you keep lying and hiding...you will kill any remaining love she may possibly have left for you.

Not "woman", b_r, "women".

How many women, urgent, and for how long? Did any of this take place before you were married?

The best counselling you could get is with the Harleys. You need their specialist help with your multiple affairs. Contact the counselling centre which is linked at the top of this page.

Very few marriages successfully recover from serial adultery, which is what you have done.

IMO, you should still try. Whether or not you succeed, it will go a long way toward bringing you to your own place in recovery.

Yes, make it clear to your BW that you want to save your M, just understand that before you can succeed at that you need to repair yourself.

Your best chance is with the Heavenly Repairman.