Hi everyone,
It has been a really long time since I posted, but I come and read everyday and I am am here with all of you trying to make sence out of things that make no sence at all.
It has been 11 months now since dday and 7 months since I have seen or talked to him.
I am in a dark plan b still holding onto some hope thst the man I lived with for 25 years is in there somewhere trying to get out.
He doesn't see or talk to his kids either, but we are a strong little unit and we will be fine.
Today was hard as it is my birthday and he sent me an email first thing, I should have deleted it, but I had to read it and it just said happy birthday I hope you have a great day.
Does he really not have a clue what a hole he has left in my life, or could it be that because he doesn't see it or hear it he can tell himself it doesn't matter

Not having dealt with Plan B, I am in no position to comment on that aspect of your post; however, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday. I do hope that your day is good.

It doesn't sound as if he has a clue as to how he has blown your world apart.

"he sent me an email first thing, I should have deleted it, but I had to read it"

You should of blocked his emails, and even of gotten a new email address.

Reading WH emails is not plan B.

Happy Birthday!

I'm glad you're doing well. It may not seem like it, but you seem to be a MUCH happier person now, than if you had stayed with him just to have the crumbs he threw at you. If you were still there, he'd still be throwing crumbs. So you are where you are supposed to be, ok?

As for him, well, you just can't predict how a person will turn out. If he was raised to take the easy way out and walk away from responsibilities, well, it's too late when you came along to make him different. I wish it were different, but you have amazing kids, and a great family, right? Celebrate that part of your life.

BE
It's good to see that you are still hanging in there and it has been a very long time since I've seen anything on here from you. Why have you not been seeking support here? You seem to post for a few days and then drop off because people say things to you that you do not want to hear?

Happy birthday.

If you are in a true Plan B, you would not have even known that he emailed you because as another said above, you should have changed your email address or blocked his emails. No contact is NO contact.

Did you end up filing for D? If so, has that gone through? And, if I remember correctly, he was trying to get you to refi the house. You had a family friend who was an attorney who was going to represent you with this? What happened with all this?

It sounds as if you're beginning to see that you don't need this man and that you are better off without him dragging you down. Do you feel this way? I know it still hurts but things are looking better, no?

He WILL see all the things you want him to eventually but hopefully by then, you will not need him or even care anymore.

BE

Just one more thought. What are you doing in your life? Besides the obvious--working, taking care of home and kids? Have you joined any kind of FUN groups or done some volunteer work or something like that? Believe me, these things make you feel so much better and helps to keep your mind off of WH.

I think you are seeing that you are worthy of a happy life. Maybe not there 100% but, doing better.

No it isn't, but for goodness sake, take a bow for all the darkness that you have done and get a hug from all of us for your birthday. Happy Happy Birthday to you..

You know Brown, the timing for us both is very similar. In terms of marriage. I was in Plan B for almost a year, and D-day was over 2 1/2 years ago. My situation truly looked as hopeless as anyone elses. He didn't have anything to do with his kids and he was just GONE. I thought the A was happy all over the place on the other side, that turned out to not be the truth. In fact last night he told me a story that just made me think. Wow, what an unhappy existence they lived.

Trust G-d. You are doing so good in Plan B. Yes, you will be fine, but put all your FAITH and TRUST in G-d. He knows what's going on. He can see that other side of the mountain and his answer to you today might just be NOT YET....

What do you have planned to do for your birthday?

BE, Happy Birthday.....Yes I agree with SD, I hope you are doin more things to take care of yourself....and forget about WH, they have NO CLUE while they are wayward. Hang in there, K?

Happy Bday!!
I agree with everyone here. I empathize with you about the length of time you put into your marriage and what seems to be a waste of time.

Remember that the right choices you have made in your life are something you can celebrate. In time you will adjust and as long as you continue to put the painful things out of your sight you will see that hole get filled up eventually. For now let God fill it for you.
Real practical advice

I think that we all agree here that The marriage vows were not just made to each other, but to God. The vows are for us to grow in our relationships by remaining accountable to a power higher than our emotions and our short sighted judgements.

As sure as I am standing here I can say that you will prosper from your decision to live in integrity for what you know is right. Time will heal the wounds and your children will be free from this kind of damage as you continue to stand up for what is right in human relationships.

Tell us what you did to celebrate!!

Wow I wrote a reply an hour ago and somehow it didn't show up, so I will try it again.
My wh has my email because we have 3 boys together and someday one of us might need to get a message to the other plus I have had that email for lots of years and I refuse to give him the power to make me change it.
He changed his, but thats what fogged out idiots do, I have nothing to hide and some great online friends.
I had a talk with God the other day, thats what I do when I pray, I don't expect an answer, but I want him to know I am open to suggestions, and I told him I love him and I know he loves me and my children and that there has to be some reason we are all going through this, but that I am tired and still very sad and I need to know if it is time for me to push the divorce and move on or if I should keep the light on in my lighthouse ahile longer.
I could be wrong, but I think the answer is keep it burning girl you can do this.
My friends and family all say I can never forgive him, never let him back in ect...they have all held me while I cried and given me reason to keep getting up everyday.
I don't look at men as anything other than friends and I have some great friends, but I am not ready I don't think IU ever wil be.
I also have time now to go out with the girls and have found some great friends that I laugh with .
I still have trouble with the eating thing and have lost 50lbs and I needed to loose probably 30 so I am skinny right now, but you can always tell when I am happy I get that chubby thing going on.
My mom told me a couple of months ago that she would like to pay for me to have lazer skin resurfacing for my birthday, so last week on thursday I went and had it done Ouch by the way, but the doctor says I can expect about 10 years off my face.
I was a little scarey the first couple of days but last night my whole family and all there kids came over with pizza, cake ice cream and gifts and we had a great time.
Plus as the Cowboy Junkies say "I kinda like the extra 2 feet in my bed"

You really are sounding much better these days--we are all very proud of you!!

One thing that troubles me in your case though is this: You have been seperated/apart for almost a year now and at one time you had filed for D but I assume you retracted it? You are still holding out hope that the man you USED to know will somehow return and you can just pick up where you left off?

I hope that your prayers will be answered and you get the answer you need--it seems it is time to let go--fully now.
Is your WH seeing someone still or do you know? It seems like he is just keeping you hanging on by a thread and you will never be able to move on completely with that "hope" keeping you in limbo. This man is still cake-eating with you. Keeping you hanging on while he is out doing his own thing.

But, like I said, you have come a very long way. Just don't let him continue to use you as a doormat. You are better than that. It's been said on here that the best revenge is a life well lived.

LBE, I remember when you came on this board and would not listen to any advice. You are doing much better and it shows.

I too pray to God every day and look for His guidance on where this journey is leading me.

It has been almost 18 months since all of this started and right now I still have love for my XH. I do say too much to my family and friends about this because I do not want the negative comments. It will only upset me.

Now tell me what is this lazer skin surgery? Is it to remove wrinkles and how much does it cost. Looking for a good treat for myself!

Happy Birthday!

I am turing 50 soon, in plan B, with WH 25 years. I really relate to your post.

I do figure we are younger and prettier than we ever will be again and should enjoy it (I wasted my youth not being content and regret a lot of that youthful ignorance).

Let us know how the lazer stuff works out when it has been a while!

None of us can control anything but ourselves and never could....weren't we silly when we thought we did?

Have a wonderful year of reflecting and enriching and living this great life.

Happy Birthday! Good luck in plan B. I am in plan B as well and don't answer anything my WH sends me. I have finally gotten stronger but it took me getting off of the lexapro and getting very angry. That happened a couple of days ago. My WH wants me to refinance the house to get his name off of the loan but I refuse to because one, I don't want to but mainly because I am attached to 4 car loans and the house and because of the housing market my house is worth less than what I owe on it. Stay in there and fight for what you want no matter what anyone else thinks or wants. I still want my WH back but I am going to continue with my life.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19 yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moves in with OW 7/29/2009

AS far as I know he is not seeing anyone, the thing with his highschool sweetheart ended and he is alone.
He has told our friends I should never forgive him and i am pretty sure that is how he feels.
He golfs with my neighbor and although I have said not to tell e about him sometimes they do, so we don't hang out alot anymore.
They told me he spent Thanksgiving alone drinking and being very emotional (whatever that means) Me I cooked a 28lb turkey and had a great day with the family and a few misfits.
No I do not expect or would I accept him to magically walk back into my life and pick up where we left off, I know we have alot of work to do if we ever decide mto try again.
I do miss him everyday and pray for him to see the light, but I won't wait.
Some people tell me to get a divorce and move on and some say if I want my marriage put off the divorce and wait, well which is it I am confused.
I have a great lawyer who has suppenaded him and all his record including his computer on Jan 7th I will not be there, I can be I choose not to.
AS ar as this lazer stuff goes wow, it hasn't been a week and I can already see such a differance, highly recomended.

I've seen the effect of Lazer surgery -fabulous. I presume that your skin is going to be red for a little while now. The person I knew did not want people to know she had it done. She pretended it was sunburn.

Did you ever give him a plan B letter. This explains to him how to return to you. It resolves his paralysis getting back to you. Or are you saying that he is not interested?

Your face is going to look so great when it completely heals. I 'bve seen a lot of nurses here where I work at get the lazer procedure for different reason and their skin looks great and younger. I had a chemical peel over a year ago because our plastic surgeon did it for free and my skin still looks great but I would not recommend it to everyone becasue it felt like someone stuck my face in a vat of hot grease. It BURNED but after 4 days it looked great when it peeled off. As for your WH he deserves everything he is going through and then some. If he decides to visit you make sure that the only reason he is visiting is he wants to reconcile and WORK onthe marriage. You deserve a new and better and stronger marriage no matter who it is with. Do what you want and feel is right for you.

ooooow!
me: you

sounds painful. Glad you liked the results!
bc

[quote=stillbrowneyes] I have a great lawyer who has suppenaded him and all his record including his computer on Jan 7th I will not be there, I can be I choose not to. {quote]

I am impressed with the change you have made with yourself!! Great job.

Just a little curious though, if you've not filed for or working towards a D, then why has your attorney subpoenaed all his records (I'm assuming you're talking about financial records?) AND his computer???

SBE -- You sound strong and wonderful. Happy belated B-day.

As for the Plan B -- You are doing great. Just my 2 cents -- keep a watchful eye on finances and other "funny business" WH may be involved in. If he's paying all the bills and he's not racking up debt, then you are in a good position to wait him out. But if he's jeapordizing your family security, then D may need to be pursued.

I didn't start the D, but in the end, it may have protected me from the debt WH incurred AFTER he filed.

I'm so glad I began snooping BEFORE d-day. I found items here and there that had no meaning at the time, but great meaning now while I'm going through the D.

I was never in the M for the money, and I would have gladly lost everything to keep my family in tact. But I will not take on WH's financial sins while he is wayward. I WILL NOT.