<BR>well after getting served the papers and having 2 nights of <BR>severe panic attacks, i got to the dr. got some meds and feel a <BR>little calmer although still very<BR>anxious at times - i know it takes 2 weeks for the anti deps to kick in the other med is working well and helps me sleep-<BR>how long does the anxiousness last? Talking w/ w although she<BR>is a wreck and trying to solidify<BR>the divorce attny need to protect<BR>what's left...w says everything <BR>is moving so fast but i don't know how to slow it down - she filed - before she filed all i wanted was to reconcile and work<BR>the whole mess out rebuild using<BR>all the tools i've learned here and in therapy, now my head is so<BR>cloudy and i know i'm in shock, that i can't decide if we should<BR>try to reconcile or split, not that she is so willing to reconcile i think she is extremely confused as well - in the mean time she wants me to move out of the house - money is <BR>an issue - and i'm trying to be as peaceful as possible i don't want a war because i do love her <BR>so much and know the pain and <BR>destruction i've caused already..<BR>i am over the initial shock of the papers and the fact she cleaned me out, i have even told<BR>her how much i love her and want to work it out...any suggestions?<BR>thanks much peace and love trying<BR>hard<BR>

Meds are good. Have you signed papers? How long do you have. Take all the time you are allowed. Get a lawyer. I called one and got an invaluable (free) consultation. If you don't have to move out, don't. My state's filing requires a protection order--and I know that is unusual.<P>Whatever else you do, can you call upon your therapist? It sounds like both of you have been in? If it is just you, your counselor should provide you with some phone counseling if you can't get in. If not, get a new counselor. I've had 2, 1 good, 1 bad & even the bad one provided emergency phone counseling, the good one gave me his home ph #.<P>How did she clean you out?<P>Do you have a listing of your possessions and possessions you owned in common? Again it is a legal matter, but I assume some of that would be considered marital assets?<P>Good luck.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

thanks for the reply lor, i saw my therapist tues and today, very helpful<BR>she cleaned me out of all the money although i convinced her to give some <BR>back her lawyer was pissed--we are talking and no papers have been signed<BR>neither one of us has moved out but we <BR>are not staying together--each time we<BR>talk i try to assure her of my love and<BR>that i don't want this and it's never too late and i only want her to be happy<BR>she is a complete wreck, i am too but not as bad as her--i try to deposit as many love units as possible--i don't know if you read my history i posted a <BR>couple of times starting on the 15th...<BR>i'm so confused as is she and she keeps<BR>telling me things are moving so fast yet<BR>she instituted w/ the papers and i don't know how to slow it down...i love her so<BR>deeply and i know she loves me i can't<BR>believe this is happening...any advice <BR>anyone??????? much peace and love <BR>trying hard

Trying Hard,<P>Lor is 100% correct...<BR>Slow you side down (by not signing anything!<P>Let your wife know it's going to take some time for you to get an attorney.<P>Go to the Martindale-Hubbell site and do a search for an attorney in your county that deals almost (>80%) exclusively in marital law... and has numerous credentials... and knows the judges... and will give you an initial consultation free!<P>Go to this site NOW (not later today) and start calling and/or faxing to one's that are good. <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub" TARGET=_blank>http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub</A> <P>You need to protect yourself... NOW!!!!<P>I'll check in on you later.<P>Jim<P>------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Hi Trying Hard,<P>You are in a crisis right now, happens to all of us some time or other. I know yours is bad, I was in a bad crisis too. This may be the worst crisis you ever experience in your life. It does get better but,boy, it is tough for a while. I read your story on a post from a while ago. I am wondering a couple of things though. First, how many kids do you have with your wife, how old? And how long are you and your wife married? Do you have a long history together etc.? Also, what is going on with OM? Is she going to have the baby? How long was that relationsip? Not trying to be nosy but am trying to see areas where there might be some hope. I was a betrayer too and caught h***, like I deserved. But husband forgave and we are doing pretty good. Not every situation is alike though and what might be have been a "toehold" for me might not be a good place for you to start back at.<BR>I agree with other advise posted, take anything that is FINAL (i.e. divorce) as slowly as you can.....buy as much time as you can on things you can't go back on.

Seek out legal aid. Start stashing cash so she can't clean you out again during the divorce procedures. If you had a joint account , half that money is yours. You may be able to get it back in the divorce if you go that far.<P>Just hang in there and don't rush things. Once the papers start flying around reality may set in for her.

Please tell me you've found a list of attorneys from the martindale-hubbell site... <P>This is so important for you right now!!!<P>You really need to operate from a position of more strength. If your W sees you have resolve... she may respect you more... albeit in the long run!<P>Yes... I too feel this is love busting... but you still have to look out for your interests too! You can't be a door mat. Women (as well as men) hate being around door mats!<P>Please.... please... please...<BR>tell me you've done the search!<BR>maybe... made a few calls?!!!<P>It took me one a month and a half to find a good attorney... because I didn't know about the Matindale-Hubbell site... don't end up like me!<P>Yes... get a good (sometimes that means expensive) attorney... it will save you MUCH $ in the long run!!!!<P>If you want.. email me imherczeg@yahoo.com<P>Jim

thanks for all the replies i really need<BR>you guys right now the support has been<BR>very helpful...i have already met with <BR>one lawyer and have another meet on tues<BR>w/ another <BR>bonny...i am 34 w 31 married 1.5 years <BR>together since 91 no kids thank god...<BR>we were going to start to try but that's<BR>when i told her because ow was pregnant<BR>and i knew it wasn't right to go on that<BR>way...affair started in jan in april ow<BR>got pregnant didn't sleep w her after that ... tried to control all may - july<BR>was in therapy told w i needed to work <BR>some things out - july was discovery <BR>couldn't conrol situation w wanted to start to try for a family...july and august still tried for peace w/ ow <BR>while working w/ wife both in indiv therapy...sept 1st week realized had to<BR>completely extricate from ow met to tell<BR>her ... she went crazy beat me up trashed my car bit me and i needed hospital treatment...she accused me of <BR>hitting her threatening to kill her...<BR>she took me to court on this currently pending ... she is psychotic...she is <BR>from inner city and is poor has not much<BR>hope for a life...a lot to deal with...<BR>anyway i don't care about all that...<BR>only my w who i love so deeply and don't<BR>know how to get back...i am trying to show her as much love as possible we are<BR>talking but haven't seen each other in <BR>2 weeks ... she is confused feel like it<BR>is all moving fast and it is since she <BR>filed the papers...don't know how to slow it down...she is actually a wreck<BR>i am a little better the meds are helping with my anxiety, only had those<BR>dreaded panic attacks the first two nites, i know my head is ahead of my body i am told this is normal...this is <BR>a crisis the biggest one you are right <BR>it has been the most traumatic experience of my life and i know i am not thinking 100 percent...before i was<BR>served the papers i was very much into<BR>trying to rebuild moving on taking my<BR>w to this site working with her doing anything and everything necessary to <BR>try to recover and rebuild our life and<BR>marriage -- she was trying too although<BR>neither was really ready to say yes we<BR>will stand by the other and give it our<BR>best shot --- i also had not confessed <BR>the depth of the affair although she had asked me many times-- i was not ready until i got to this site and then we separated because ow sent my wife package w/ all the details and i never got the chance --- when i went home after the separation i brought flowers<BR>and was ready to pour my soul out and <BR>the papers were there waiting not my wife...i feel i have lost it all a beautiful wife i love deeply, my home, my business, a chance for my own family<BR>i guess this is rock bottom ground zero<BR>i look into the abyss and know that i will climb out over time and really feel<BR>i am a good person...i have doubts now<BR>about reconciling even though it's not <BR>up to me and i know it's probably from the state of shock i'm in...i love her so much and only want to be with her and<BR>help ease her pain and try to work on <BR>our problems and recover i know it's <BR>possible and we have so much love and had at one point things so good...i know<BR>what a bad mistake i have made the hurt<BR>and destruction, the pain, the betrayal<BR>but i also know like us all i am human..<BR>is it ever too late? thanks for letting<BR>me vent without this place and all the <BR>kind people i think i would really want<BR>to be committed...i keep urging my w to<BR>come here but she doesn't much want to listen to me and is working so much..<BR>i know it would help her thanks again<BR>any suggestions greatly appreciated<BR>much peace and love <BR>trying and crying hard<BR>

Dear Trying Hard,<P>I wish so much there were not a baby on the way. Is that for real or is OW just saying that? That is truly a complication that makes things difficult because you are the father of that life that will be coming into the world. Rich or poor, this other woman probably loves you and had hoped for a life with you, (unless she is a prostitute.) I am afraid that she must be dealt with also, and I would think kindly. Her reaction to you breaking off with her is probably understandable. I do not know all the details of this so I do not know what she really is like but she is a human being also with a real problem. Pregnant, poor and losing the man she loved. <BR>Unfortunately you can not make this woman and her baby go away. <BR> So, you have two problems, as I see it, one is dealing with one woman and baby and the other is trying to get your wife to forgive you. It might be that you have a better chance with your wife if you get a grip on the other situation. In other words, unless this baby is just a figment of someone's imagination, it needs to be dealt with. Your wife knows that, she also knows how precious babies are and how important to women. She probably will have to see some sort of workable situation there. I would think she is (understandably) running away from the whole mess. <BR>You will need the help of a real solution-oriented therapist here but I think someone could help you take some positive steps to undo all the wrongs you have done. <BR>I am not trying to judge here, just be practical. I feel very bad for you and can imagine the panic attacks, I would be having them too. How does your extended family come into play here?

bonny, my family is the greatest thank<BR>god and is behind me 100 percent we are<BR>a close loving family who have all had <BR>our problems--ow is due in january it is<BR>real--she is psychotic we are in court<BR>already for her false accusations and it<BR>is only a matter of time before the paternity suit comes - my lawyers tell me eventually it will just be a check and i can't wait for that day even though it sounds cruel -- i have worked <BR>through it and decided it is what i want<BR>i am concentrating on my wife right now<BR>and trying to repair w/ her although it<BR>might be too late i guess time will tell<BR>and if it was meant to be we will work<BR>it through... thanks for staying on top<BR>with me i need all the friends i can get<BR>right now much peace and love trying hard

I agree with some of the other posts. If you do not have to move out, try to stay. The anger, resentment and "Hurry Up" foucs of the process you both seem to be embarking on is clearly dangerous to any hope of trying to make it work.<P>I know from experience. When the battle lines are drawn, and the battle guns are pointed and aimed at each other as you start the divorce proceedings you both will change beyond what you would of ever imagined.<P>So try to avoid being swept away in the current of anger and pain. It is like swimming in a strong undercurrent. I moved out just after finishing saying goodbye to my Father after a long and painful illiness. When my wife asked me to give her 1/2 of all the money I spent on my Father's funeral as a part of her settlement request I knew that the story was over.<P>Stop that train before it gets up too much steam to ever stop in time!<P>Wishing you strength and hope as you work your way through this difficult time in your life.<P>mr r