Got it thanks for the reminder. when he is good he is amazing when he is negative he drags me down and its toxic.

Brit, you said exactly what I had my fingers poised to type.

BH, you said this in one of your recent post:
There are two major problems here that I see: (1) your husband still works with OW; and (2) you are trying to MAKE your FWH do tricks.

How do I know this? Because I acted/behaved the same way and I nearly blew the progress we were making in recovery. If my DH had continued to lay eyes on OW FOR ANY REASON, there is no way we would have recovered.

I understand your frustration, believe me I do, I've lived it.

Just.Be.Still.

Princess be still can you elaborate on that?? As in not expect anything not hope, shut off and go with the flow?? makes sense but how do you do that sort of a sedative?? in an ideal world i would go into hybernation while WS works with Steve so his temporary (and i hope it is temporary) negativeness does not transfer onto me but being humam thats just not an option.

Why do you guys think that my WS is so insitant on destroying any hope i have? im really puzzled by this. His mum says that he is too weak to walk away so he is sabotaging the relationship so I make the hard decisions, it scares me his own mother says this. I know alot of lovely people on here are in a worst position than me and are holding out hope in extreme times like their WS living with OP but in my case he is here he says he wants this then rebells against it. can you help me make sense of this?

Yesterday for example he insisted on bursting my bubble. I have held on to the image of my pre A husband to get me through this and in the hope of seeing him again, WS destroyed that life line. told me he has always been a selfish cad and reminded me of when he chased a woman on a bus just because she made eye contact with him making him hope for admiration from her. I dont want to remember that about him cause if i think about the internet EA's and the little stupid admiration seeking incidents that could have led to A im royally done for, why cant he let me hold on to something without the urge to blow it up when it was a comfort to me?

First, that's a copout. You sound just as unwilling to work at this as your H.

Second, what kind of unpredictable issues could not be addressed, if you would just stop and figure a solution out?

btw, your H doesn't even hold a candle to mine in terms of negativity. You should read my thread sometime. But I persevere. Because I'm stubborn. I'm not going to let 'issues' get in my way. I'm going to find soluations.

How old are you guys? Never mind, I saw.

Please take this in the fondest way possible. I think that both of you are overdue for growing up a little. I remember being 29, 30, and still using the thought processes that took me through high school. I realize now how immature I was, how inexperienced. And it colored all my decisions. I remember crying on cue to get a response out of my negative husband. And not seeing what was wrong with that. Things like that. What I'm trying to say is that there are a LOT more solutions out there than you two have been exposed to. I'm over 50, and still learning how much I don't know, lol.

Maybe if you could step back and realize that the way YOU do business, is not necessarily the ONLY way to do business, kwim?

Cat your amazing you really are but cant you see that the occasional rassurance request was my idea of a solution. 1) Helps me 2)helps WS concentrate on positive rather than the negative

win win situation wheres the drawback here i just cant see it.

actual age or mental age LOL?

Im 28 he is 29. Married at 19 and 20.

I am a problem solver by nature and WS hates this about me he says that sometimes he just wants to vent without being given a solution and i understand this but i have been through alot and learned alot and definitley still learning, im in self discovery mode and have been since i started therapy 3 years ago. Im open to suggestions and will consider things but i also try to help myself, that was what i thought i was doing when telling WS about reassurance issue. There is also the true fact that many of you guys have been saying to me on here and thats to start protecting myself and having a plan. My idea of setting a date to go onto plan B is a plan, i thought that sending WS letter was a good plan. Im now seriousely confused as to where i have failed. I know i have failed at something but seriousely cant see where i messed up .

The drawback is that he is unwilling or incapable of providing it just now. So, using that as your bellweather is futile.

Read some books. Watch some videos. Do some learning to find new ways of dealing with each other. Learn about psychology a bit to see how he is, how you are, and how two such different people can get along and accomplish what they want.

Cat I dont come up with ideas or solutions until i have asked him for one, when he says i dont know etc i try to come up with something to help us both like the reassurance and although i can see he feels he is incapable at the moment i also know that he is but he just overcomplicates it. My version of reassurance is simple comment positive thought sharing once in a while his overcomplicating is come up with huge essay as to why he loves me etc, so i sit there and give him examples, im patient explain answer questions, once he sees its achievable he looses interest.

would be lovely and agree with you Cat my aim to get him to open his mind a little to absorb the literature and help, thats also my aim by the letter i sent him. committing to M to me means opening his mind.

You cannot educate another person. You can show him what YOU are learning, express that it is helping you, but then you have to step back and see what he does with that information.

BH, it sounds to me like (1) you have control issues and (2) you have a sense of superiority over him. Now, of course, you are just going to shoot right back at me and say NO!

I will ask you to stop yourself, stop defending yourself, and open yourself to the possibility that the solutions you are choosing, may not be the best ones. That they may not work for the two of you together.

Honestly, if he's trying to fix what he did, why don't you just both go to phone counseling with the Harleys and do only what they say?

Nope cat i agree with you.

PRECISELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BH - THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO TAKE ON AND THINK ABOUT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Brit my first instinct was to reply with huge essay justifying i didnt i agree with Cat i cant argue with what she has said so i hope you can see this as me trying to take it on.

Thank you both for your kind (and it has been very kind) and helpful interest and support of my M no matter how pig headed or angry i get i want to let you know that i dont take it for granted and DO appreciate it.

Bh,

How DARE you write such a manipulative letter!!!!

This is absolute BS, BH.

First off, he was instructed to stay off your thread....... YOU should be doing the same. MB was not construed for the betrayed spouses only..,,,,,, his thread is not for you to get on there to impose your will whenever the mood strikes you.

You want to know why he is negative??? Did you stop to think that it may be because POSSIBLY because of the stunt you pulled the other day??? Your DEMANDING this confrontation with OW??? He's on MB, he's WORKING with Steve, DOING everything he is being ASKED to do, and YET you keep coming after him with these ridiculous DEMANDS (which BTW, will only serve as a bandaide until the pain builds up for you again and then you come up with some new way that you think will magically "erase" the pain....).......heck, I am depressed just reading about it......

I HATE to tell you this but MOST waywards would have jumped ship by now, and if you don't stop with these Selfish Demands, you will find E will be no different......and it will have nothing to do with OW or the affair.....

Not2fun

HI BH
I have posted a thread on passive aggressive behaviour. My h has a bad case of it. I think it could be helpful to explain some of your h's attitudes. There are many types of behaviour that follow a pattern. Once this is evident problems become easier to deal with.

There is an old song that goes "Put it in a box tie it with a ribbon,throw it in the deep blue sea" ------- would that we could Especially with regard to OW-----------What colour would your box be?

BH28

Forget what your H is or isn't doing.

Work on you. BE the best you that you possibly can.

I f you don't like something he says or does, just tell him how it makes you feel and remover yourself. No DJs, not telling him how he is meant to be or what you want him to be.#

Just tell him how you feel and remove yourself from the source of pain/annoyance.

Just work on you
Just work on you
Just work on you

He is beyond your control. WOrk on you.

Those that are recovering/ are rcovered have largely found that nothing changes until you start being the best you that you can be.

Coaching update.

Had 2 hours coaching with Steve and WS, we had a 3 way conversation, Steve explained to WS that he has to stop DJ and has to stop the "im trying excuse" because when you say you are trying instead of i will do then that reduces your success rate by half. He told WS that he has to get into the mindset that failure is not an option. Steve explained to WS the whole how people fall in love by meeting EN's etc. it appears that despite reading SAA WS still had movies idea of love and therfore did not think it was possible to understand itnow he sees that it is easily achieveable, It also transpired that WS is just as insecure as me when it comes to beleiving that i love him and me beleiving that he loves me now he sees he can "make me feel in love with him" it seams that he has found his way forward. Discussed WS working with OW and Steve simply said "do i have to go into the life isnt fair lecture" i said no i understood so i guess he can see a way forward regardless of OW and WS working together for now, im sure that he would not accept it permanently but he is not priorotising it right now.
I felt understood and supported by Steve and WS did not feel attacked and could see the help that he was getting. I am truly elated with todays coaching as it is exactly what i needed, no offence to you guys but i was starting to get sick of hearing that changes in WS will take time when really the attitude change can be immediate once he is made aware of the fact that his attitude to M was wrong,attitude change is not something you allow to take a long time, its something instaint. Even a few hours after coaching WS sat me down and for the first time EVER he said I will do this and I will do that, it was no longer the same i will try bull this is a dramatic improvement and it has never happened before, no matter how much i have stived to hear it he has never ever ever ever said that its always been i cant, im not able and then i will try followed by i have tryed but it doesent work because im a not normal. Steve really touched a nerve with him and i can see releif come over him as he realised that this isnt the unachievable mountain he has made it out to be. I dont agree that for now the only thing i should be concentrating on is me and me and more me, thats not what team mates do and we are finally in a team. I will ofcourse concentrate on the me that does not encorage recovery or geprodises recovery but that does not mean ignoring WS behaviour and attitude. I have a duty to my marriage to not let wayward behaviour reoccur because like it or not for me faliure is NOT and option and i wont sit there quietly if i see it happening, I will change the way i deal with this but i will not do nothing.

Thanks again for all your care and support and thats inclusive of the 2x4s as they are just as useful. I have asked WS to not reply to letter i wrote him as there are better priorities right now. I will keep you updated on progress. take care xx

Awesome!

Hello everyone,

I know this is off topic but I wanted your help with praying for the friend who I mentioned earlyer on in the thread who was pregnant with a baby that would not survive the birth. Baby boy Ashley was born this morning and sadly passed away soon after birth. I would like your help to pray for her and her partner and children. I have been with them from the birth to her discharge from hospital it all happened so fast today. I am proud of how brave she has been but I am also emotionally drained, although its not my baby today was still hard for me as dealing with loss of children is my worst fear in life and I saw baby Ashley come into this world and leave it.

I will not be on MB for a couple of days as helping her sort out the funeral arrangements and need some time to gather my thoughts.

Hope you all have a great xmas and hope to be back here in the new year.

Thoughts with you and your friend. I was doing the same as you a little over a year ago.

Very good news about the coaching I am so pleased it is working.

Sorry to hear about the loss of the baby. They say the degree of grief equals that of discovering an a.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS and lets hope 2010 is an improvement on 2009 I have a feeling it will be