Shawn, whatever you do, don't bring her here until this affair is over. And it is far from over. You will lose this forum as a resource for recovery. Right now you just have some idle talk, and talk is meaningless with a wayward.

If you do look for marriage counseling, either try phone counseling with the Harleys or try and find a local MC who uses Marriage Builders principles. Marriage Builders is very, very different from traditional marriage counseling in that it actually WORKS. Traditional marriage counseling has a dismal 84% failure rate because they don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and understand nothing about infidelity. Marriage counselors have a higher divorce rate than the general population. Finding a good MC is a huge crapshoot.

Will she send the OM a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair? Here is the letter and an explanation.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

p.s. please forgive the questions about swinging. It wasn't a frivolous question, given that we have about 2-3 swingers a year show up here in "shock" when their spouse fell in love with one of her swinger partners.

If she's been reading here, or you've told her that you will expose, you can be certain that they will take the A underground.

What did OM say?

I sent him a message that said if he disagrees I would be happy to have a 'conversation' with him on this otherwise I assume he will be staying away. No reply of course.

You didn't do it in person? You wasted a valuable opportunity to give him a lasting impression. A message won't do it. He's in it for the thrill.

Bottom line, you should have gone to his parents, too. In person.

But what did your wife say?

I would not know where to find the guy. I have no idea where he lives or works. The wife did not get angry over me contacting him.

Once she sends him the NC I will follow up with OM to reinforce the NC. As much as this should be in person I'm not sure how to track the kid down. I have told her I would like to speak to him after the letter is sent but I don't see him accepting such an invitation.

He saw it, wet himself, then went trolling at another bar.

I'm with Mel...find out who his parents are. If my son got mixed up with a married woman it'd be time for a shed talk....it might even be time for me to raise his skin on the flagpole - I don't care how much taller than me he is now either.

Go to the bar and ask around.

You sent OM a message? Through your W?

If your W was really on board w/ ending her A, she'd have given you every piece of information you need.

If you don't know his address, how will you be able to verify that the NC letter was sent to him?

Well, Thank goodness for THAT! I mean you wouldn't want to anger your WAYWARD wife would you?

Afterall, all that matters here are HER feelings. You don't want to upset HER. Or embarrass HER by telling others who might be able to help your M, about her sleezy little A.

Do YOUR feelings matter? Do YOU matter?

Ok,

It's amazing how correct everyone was. After talking to OM and wife she continued to lie to me, took the affair underground and OM went along. I found her with a second cell phone last night, this time she finally broke down and cried. She never felt bad when I first found out but now is a wreck. I told her I would do everything I could to help her end the affair because she can't do this on her own. How deep need I go to help her? Here is my list:

parents, ours and his
her good friend at the bar
kids (how do I explain this to an 8 and 11 year old, should I?)
Her boss at the bar (do I need this one?)
Our good friends (we've known them since school)

options
staff at the bar who regularly share shifts (yes/no)?
regulars at the bar (I see no reason for this)
Friends of OM (I don't this so, being 20s they will think it is cool)
Other people we know from other things we do (I see no reason for this)

So it looks like I don't know how deep to go. I expect her to turn on me after this so I only want to go deep enough to end the A, I'm not out to hurt her, just help her.

What am I going to tell them? That I am doing this to save our marriage?

She only feels bad b/c you are interferring w/ her A. She didn't "break down" b/c she's sorry. She's manipulating you.



She MUST quit her job. That's how deep.



Yes.

Children,

Your mother has a BF. And you know married women are not supposed to have BFs. What she is doing is wrong.



You tell EVERYONE who can put pressure on the A.



That's all any BS wants. That's what exposure is about...ending the A. Not being revengeful.



You say, "Hi, this is Shawn, and I'm calling you to ask for your help. MY WW is having an A w/ OM. I very much want to save my M, but cannot if OM is involved. Would you please encourage her/him to do the right thing and end the A?"


OH yeah, brace yourself for it.

B/c IF you do it right, and expose to EVERYONE, she will be furious!

If she's furious then you will KNOW your exposure was effective.