You don't ASK a wayward anything. You TELL them what YOU can and cannot accept. Mainly, a third person in the marriage.

What are you doing about exposure?

everyone knows..noone really seems to care except my family and his one stepsister.

Jenn, I know how you feel. I have the same sense of futily. I exposed to everyone I could think of. I wrote letters to OM's wife, to his employer, to his landlady, to WW's FxH, even to his kids (and got raked over the coals for that). I told everyone we knew -- neighbors, friends and acquaintances.

I have received some kind words of support from some. I got a letter from OM's W's lawyer. I even learned that some of "my" friends decided to be "her" friend instead. But nothing I did seemed to have any affect on the A.

But I will tell you what people here have told me: It takes TIME. None of us know what's going to happen in the future, and more than likely, what happens won't be anything like what we've predicted.

Let me quote part of what a dear (and late) friend of mine once said: "You just have to keep on being the best you can be." The RIGHT thing, in the RIGHT time will happen!

What exactly does this mean?

Did YOU talk to each and every one of these people? Or did HE tell them that he was unhappy, you were a witch, it was never real love, OW completes him...or more garbage?

Exposure is YOU telling these people "My H (your son, brother, nephew) committed adultery. He willfully went out and slept with another woman knowing it would hurt me"?

Thank you everyone...I know it's gonna take time. Today is one of the days I feel down trying to stay positive is hard but I do it. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. at least I have my 2 beautiful smart loving daughters by my side

Hi Jen,

Just trying to get a grip on your situation, could you please clarify .......

You asked WH for NC ..... is this a yes or no?
You can verify NC or you can verify contact, and since when?

Who specifically have you exposed to?

Can you see from phone records if WH spoke to OW at her workplace?
Is your WH independently employed?

Yes I asked wh for nc...he didnt answer.
I know there is contact I check cell records daily and he talks to her every day.
Ive exposed to his family and mine and some of our close friends.

OW lives at home with mommy no job...
Yes he is independently employed.

Why haven't you exposed to HER mommy and siblings? Your WH's siblings? Pastor?

So, that's a 'no', he didn't agree to NC, so right now he is cake-eating, meaning he has both of you to fill his EN's.
Your job is to do a better job than OW.

Try to figure out his top 3 EN's, and meet them. Admiration is likely his top EN, which is what he is getting from OW.
Reread the carrot and the stick with regards to Plan A.
Remember, no LB's.

Someone asked if you exposed to OW's mom .... have you, I can't see where you answered that. ????
If not, expose to her.
Since there is no BS on OW's side, you need to dig deep to find people to
expose to on her side.
Siblings, aunts, uncles, friends.
Does she attend church, if so, tell her pastor/priest.
Use facebook, have a friend follow her and see where she goes.
You need to do some leg work and do some major exposing.

Read over your thread again, just to make sure that you've grasped everything. You've gotten good advice so far.
You are in a state of turmoil, the rollercoaster as it's referred to around here, so it's easy to not absorb all that is written to you.

It takes guts to fight infidelity, but it is possible.

I'm sorry that you are here.

Here is some more reading Jen.
Wat's quick guidelines

This is by Mark1952 .... more on Plan A.

Plan A: This is a specific plan that is based on the ideas presented by Dr Harley. It is designed to do two things, both of which have as their primary goal the end of the affair and yet neither aspect of the plan ensures the end of the affair. This plan can be described as the carrot and the stick of Plan A.

1) The Carrot of Plan A.
a. This is really a self-examination and self-improvement program.
i. Attempt to discover the wayward spouse’s top ENs
ii. Do all that you can, based on what the WS allows to meet these needs
b. Identify Love Busters in your own behavior
i. Discover what it is that you do that causes your spouse to be unhappy.
ii. This includes Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments and Independent Behavior as the primary problems to be overcome
iii. Eliminate these LBs from your day to day existence. Notice that the total elimination of these is the goal, not just getting better at avoiding them.

2) This is not the time to attempt to resolve long standing issues in the marriage other than LBs and only as they apply to your own behavior.

3) No commitment from the WS to recovery can or should be expected as it will be failed expectations that will cause you to lose hope.
a. No discussions of the relationship are necessary in order to carry out Plan A
b. The WS does not have to buy into the MB concepts for you to execute Plan A.

4) The Stick of Plan A.
a. Exposure of the real trouble between you, that is the affair, needs to occur so that others around both of you understand what is going on.
i. If the affair partner is married, their spouse should always be informed since they too have to take actions based on reality and not the false information they already believe.
ii. The family of the WS needs to know what is going on so that the reality is known before the WS can give any spin to your “problems.”
iii. If the affair partners work together, their employer should be informed, especially if company resources such as telephones, cell phones and computers are being used to communicate or other company assets are being abused such as lunches etc.
b. Prepare for the most hateful things to be said to you that you have ever heard.
i. You will be told that there was a chance for the marriage, but that now that chance is gone (ignore this)
ii. You will be told that you had no right to call the AP’s spouse and tell them the truth (ignore this too)
iii. You will be told that you are interfering and trying to control your spouse and this is why they are leaving you (Yep, you can ignore this as well)

5) Defend the marriage and the family from the WS’s actions
a. Do not allow the children to have contact with the affair partner.
b. Do not finance the affair in any way
i. Do not pay for an apartment for WS to live in
ii. Do not Move out of the marital home and establish your own separate residence
iii. Do not pay for baby sitters so that WS can meet with AP.
iv. Do not pay for cell phones or LD calls so that the APs can remain in contact.
v. Do not allow the family funds or marital assets to be diverted to the affair.
c. Do not enable the affair to continue
i. Do not allow the affair to be rubbed in your face.
ii. If WS calls OP in your presence, respectfully request that they stop because it is disrespectful to you. You don’t have to blow up to do this. Just say it.
iii. Make plans for family time and request that the WS be present. Basically monopolize their time so they can’t get together.

6) Reassure the children that you will always be there for them
a. Do not defend the actions of the WS, but do not constantly complain to the children about it either
b. Step up and become the primary care giver of the children.
c. Do NOT under any circumstances allow the WS to move out and take the children without a court order to force the issue.

7) Seek legal counsel to determine your rights and what you need to avoid in order to stay out of trouble.
a. If The WS decides to leave, this can include a legal separation agreement
b. It could also perhaps include an order of protection to prevent the AP from coming around your home and children.
c. It does not have to include filing for a divorce at this time.

Decision time: Did the affair end and NO CONTACT with AP begin?

If ‘yes’ then go to recovery.
If ‘no’ then go to Plan A (repeat until some predetermined period of time has passed such as 3 months, six months etc. But prepared for Plan B since your own Love Bank will be depleted very rapidly if the affair continues)
If the affair still continues after a predetermined time has passed, go to Plan B.

trying to figure out a way to expose to her mother..dont have her contact info only the ow cell

today I just wanna throw up...he was a little late last night not unusual with his work. like 10:30 pm I was in bed but not asleep. well today when I got home from work I went to put something in our junk drawer and there was a reciept for dinner for 2 at a restuarant near her house for last night. guess he wasn't working and Im glad he's concerned about the bills and xmas this year. today is another bad day I guess

I would ask him for the exact amount of money on the receipt in cash. When he asks why, say "Well, you spent that much on OW last night. I ASSUME you're going to spend that much on the kids for Christmas presents, too, right? So, can I have the cash now?" And smile very sweetly.

Yep

Well I found the ow's mothers email so I emailed her we will see how that goes.

HELP! I dont know what to do when I came home all of our tax records were gone, paystubs, lease, all the files I had....his clothes are here.. oh another thing the bank account is in his name only my paycheck goes in there. he acted fine when he left as I came in he left to go to work. Ugh can things get any worse nvm I already know YES.

OH MY!!! What could he be doing with all that? Do you think he could be going to see an attorney? What else would he need all that for? Especially the lease? Either that or he is trying to get financing for something?

You need to contact your payroll department IMMEDIATELY and have your check NOT deposited into the bank account. Why is his name the only name on the account?

I think you need to consult with an attorney yourself...have you tried to call him or contact him?

I have no idea what he needs all that for. Ive tried contacting payroll no answer will keep trying. check get dep tom so it might be too late.. our credit is horrible and I had a bill collector levy the account so I took my name off. I tried to call him he didnt answer. I have no money for a lawyer. I so dont know what to do.

Jenn

I am not trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel any worse than you already do. However, it seems like every suggestion that is made to you, you find some kind of road block.

I KNOW that money is a huge issue and that times are tough for us all right now. Do you have any family members who could help you at all? Or, anyone? Friends, etc?

Most attorneys will give you a consultation at no charge. You should try calling a few of them to see if they will give you a no cost consult. You need some legal advice right now. There may even be a "pro bono" or free lawyer in your area that can help with financially burdened people who need legal help.

If there is ANYONE you can contact to see if they may be able to help you out with this--it would be recommended.

You are probably right that it is too late to stop a direct deposit on your bank account. If I were you, I would have my name added back to that account right away.

He is up to something--financially. I'm not real sure what it could be right now but, he is in the process of screwing you over right now.

Just remember, "where there is a will, there is a way". Start looking for ways around the roadblocks. You need to protect yourself.

And, if you have any idea where he may be working today, I think I just might go for a drive and find him. Your and your girls' protection (especially financially) needs to be paramount right now.

Jenn,

Every one of these stories just plain sucks. They are all the same, but all different in their own way. I'm sorry.

First: what is your support structure? It sounds like you have family nearby. I assume they are on your side? If so, use them as much as possible, lean on them for support. Trying to get through this on your own will tear you apart. Do your friends know? Again, lean on them for support. Church? Social groups? Don't walk this road alone.

Second: if finances are as bad as you say they are then you need to make sure that you and your kids are taken care of. Do as StillDawn suggests and stop direct deposit on your paycheck. Yes, its probably too late for this week but do it ASAP. When the deposit goes in this week, withdraw the money immediately and stash it where WH won't find it. Then, I would open up a separate bank account, with only your name, and move your direct deposit there, again ASAP. Setup the account today if possible, cuz it can take some time to get things moved over.

Your WH sounds like he's going through some self-esteem problems right now. Losing a job is devastating to a man. This witch of an OW is like crack to him. It literally gives him a high and distracts him from reality. But please remember: ITS NOT REAL. Its not "true love". True love is sacrifice. True love is complete and utter devotion to your spouse. This is not true love - its lust, pure and simple.

All the crap he throws at you is just wayward babble - you will learn to ignore it because, again, ITS NOT REAL. Keep telling yourself this and don't believe anything that he says. He is going to lie, A LOT. Just learn to ignore it.

Right now, its all about Plan A. Do those things that make you so much more appealing than the OW. Its going to be tough because you've got reality on your side and right now it sounds like he is trying to escape reality. But don't give up!

I remember being 3 weeks out from D-day. I was a zombie...a complete wreck. It does get better. You will build up emotional defenses that will allow you to get through this, but it will take a few more weeks.

Remember, meet his ENs as best you can and avoid LBs at all costs. If your WH has any brains at all then in time he will see that you are the superior woman.