UC,

So what, you made one mistake. Get back on the horse and try again. Your not dead.

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for your personal growth, it will help you. And really give yourself a break, this is hard stuff, you can do better in the future.

Good luck and All Blessings for your future,
Jerry

Thank you for all the support and to those who continue to support and encourage me in this confusing time, eventhough I have not made all the right decisions. I am trying to wade through all the advice, and figure out what works for my situation.

The last couple of days, I have been living life for me and my child, and been trying to meet my wife's emotional needs. We have been talking and been open and honest with our feelings. In the last couple of years we have both had doubts about the marriage and felt unhappy in where things were going.

I asked her if she was willing to make a fully committed effort to changing her ways and rebuilding our relationship and family.

I said that I needed her to remove him as her friend on all social networking sites and to write him a letter telling him that she is ending the relationship and any contact with him.

She said that she did not know if she wants to try to keep the family together and does not know if she can write the letter. She has also not removed him as her friend on the social networking sites.

I am working on plan A by trying to be happy and loving and depositing in the love bank. Also I am trying to meet her emotional needs and not commit any of the love busters. In the last couple days, the A has not come up and she has not approached me with a decision to be committed.

How long should I wait? How much should I push my requests?

You should PUSH them instead of talking about them and then wondering why she doesn't do it herself.

Why should she do anything when you don't let the consequences fall on her head?

She's got a sweet deal right now. A boyfriend and a husband who lets her see the boyfriend, without protesting much at all.

Have you read the thread - it will help you learn how to push without LBs.

Carrot & Stick of Plan A

You WW will continue to lie and do what she can as long as she knows she can get away with it (with you). Give yourself about six months of Plan A (if you can hack it) and then move to Plan B. Your WW has to agree to NC with OM. Did you expose to her boss?

Gg

Translation: She's gonna keep her sweet cake-eating arrangment for just as long as she possibly can - for as long as she can bully and threaten you into dangling at the end of her string.

When WS say they "don't know" what they want, they really mean they "don't know" how long they can keep you going along with it - but they fully intend to find out while YOU sweat bullets and THEY continue to enjoy the cake.
Mulan

UC, while the above bolded portion really seems reasonably when taken at face value, I have come to think it is nothing more than a rallying cry for people who are afraid to do what needs to be done. For what its worth, I did the same thing during my wife's first affair. Everyone told me to expose to her work, but I didn't because I thought my situation was different somehow and the advice wasn't applicable. If I had exposed, maybe she would have experienced some consequences and been motivated to change. Maybe it would have prevented her from having her second affair with a coworker a year later. What have you been doing since you caved to your wife's anger after the holiday party? Have you exposed to her work in the week since the party?


Why are you commiserating with her? You may think these are useful discussions, but I think all you are doing is reaffirming to your wife that your marriage has problems and she was justified in cheating. These discussions should come later. Just act in accordance with plan A and meeting her ENs without assisting her in villifying your past. But the first step is to break up the affair by any means necessary.


Her response to your requests is a probably a direct reflection that you don't currently "have any teeth". You have got to get tough and introduce the stick of plan A. Just doing the carrot isn't going to get you anywhere most likely.



Again, why would she ever bring up the affair on her own or approach you with a tough decision when your actions make clear that she doesn't have to! In my opinion, you would be far better served by being a good husband in accordance with Plan A, but also making abundantly clear that you will not take her continued disrespect. You should be waging all out war on this affair and making sure she understands your exact reasons for every action you take against it. Be a Doberman! From what I have gleaned from your story thus far, you are behaving more like a puppy dog.

Marriage Builders Lite will net you a divorce.

Pick and choose the bits you like/agree with and you will be divorced.

It's ALL IN or divorce.

Doberman nothing.

Be the loyal 400+ pound hog (you, though I know you weigh nowhere near that) that will defend its owner (your marriage) from a burglar (affair) by virtually severing the burglar's leg.

(A note to MB regulars: This is a true story, a woman owned a large pig and it attacked a man who attempted to rob her, it bit the burglar so badly in the leg she was actually scared for the guy!)

LOL

Remember UC, addiction.
She is "selling you down the river". (read:Puddinhead Wilson by Mark Twain to see what that means}

Right now you are hoping she will appreciate your kind efforts but she won't. The best thing you have going for you is the pain you feel from this. These ppl here will help you understand it and help you thru this but you need to trust them.

Right now she is like a drug to you too. She feeds some fantasy world that maybe once existed between you two, where everything will be ok as soon as you...well one of those.

You have to stand up for yourself Bro.

"If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything"-idk who

Keep coming here and reading and as your fog lifts you will see what we are saying.

Ultimately you will see that its your choices that will determine the outcome of your life, not her choices. You can only be accountable for yourself.

Stop being a marytr, It won't help anyone.


BTW did you give her boss a jingle yet? Please have a heart to heart about what this affair means to the workplace.

God be with ya

UC,

You are doing so much of what I did. Guess what it got me? Divorced.

Honestly, the biggest mistake I made when I look back is that I lost my testicles somewhere in the situation.

Plan A doesn't mean doormat, which is what i did and what you're doing.

It's easy. You lay out clear lines in the sand and if she doesn't abide by your criteria, then she can pack her bags and get the F out.

She wants to cheat, then by all means, cheat away, but not in my house, with my child in the house, with the family computer, on the family account.

You should, immediately, separate your finances. Put the internet and utilities in your name. You should block facebook or put a password on the computer.

When she protests, you tell her that you will not be direspected and that you'll treat her like your wife and when starts acting like it. That means getting rid of facebook, cutting off contact with OM, and choosing to work on her marriage.

If she doesn't, then she can go get a room.

Honestly, the men who don't lose their testes are the ones who do the best in these situations. Those of us who lost them along the way ended up divorced.

Those with them may have ended divorced too, but probably didn't get hosed as badly in the process.

You are a doormat with how you're acting. You should heed my advice carefully since I'm a man who did EXACTLY what you're doing.

Like I said, I look back and regret that I didn't pack her stuff up and threw her butt out on the street.

I look back now and know I deserved better. It's a lesson learned if I ever have to deal with the situation again.

Manning up and following the carrot and stick of Plan A work.

Get this through your head: She's gone. Your wife doesn't exist. The woman you're dealing with is not her. She is an alien who has taken her over.

When you finally get it that you should treat her like a stranger and not like your wife, then you will make the leap in progress.

But until you man up, you will just be spinning your wheels and running in place.