Opt, you are too kind. In all truth, it wasn't *my* Plan B, it was yours -- all of the people who advised and contributed to it. I was merely the implementer.

And for all intents and purposes, it isn't done, yet. I will need to deal with WW in a few weeks when she comes to move the rest of her belongings out of the house. I don't yet know if I want to be in Plan A or Plan D then.

Even then, I don't think I'll be done with MB. Just this evening at a meeting, I listened to a man share about how he was preparing for the holidays with his family. And I thought to myself, "you haven't included your wife in the decisions you've made." Another man was grousing about decisions his wife had made without speaking with him about them. And I just thought "LB" and "POJA."

There is tremendous value to this site. As a recovered alcoholic who has seen the proof of A.A.'s efficacy, I think I can tell a successful plan when I see one. And MB is just that!

Fred, I have been reading your thread and if I'm being honest this is my first post to someone else's thread besides mine. I am pretty new to the whole MB, but just a couple weeks ago you were one of my first posters. Thank you for reaching out, and I'm so sorry you are here.

I think these threads are a bit of a double edged sword because most of the emotions I feel when I'm here are negative, but what other choice do I have.

I pray for you and all the BSs here, there is a special place in heaven for those who can look the devil in the eye and trust they will be better for it, all the while working to make themselves a better person in the process.

Congrats on being sober, sounds like you are warrior. Peace be with you. God Bless!

Thank you, cantakeit. There is a metaphor used in A.A. to describe the type of fellowship there: we are like survivors in a life boat following a ship wreck. The shared experience binds us forever. It's like that here, too.

One of the most often-read greetings I read here is, "I'm sorry you're here." Because someone wouldn't normally find themselves here if it weren't for the common disaster that has befallen our lives.

Your comments touched me, cantakeit, but I hardly consider myself a warrior. I much think of myself as a survivor (there's that life boat analogy again). I was one of the fortunate ones who was saved from the brink of disaster; many fall lower and land harder than I. Some never get up.

I almost feel guilty about my circumstances here. There is a very real possibility that my survival here will be based on WW's behavior, and since there are no children involved, her not coming back could result in a far better life than one I might have had if the A had never happened. Isn't that ironic?

There is another concept in A.A. that covers situations like this: A.F.G.O., or "Another F-ing Growth Opportunity." Perhaps the entire purpose of this period of my life is designed to bring me here and have me learn more of life's crucial lessons? I'm not a religious man, but too many things have happened in my life (including and perhaps especially during this awful time) for them to have all be coincidental. I also have to remember that if there is a God in my life, then there is also one for WW's. That he is watching and caring for her can't be disregarded, and just because it isn't the way I want it, that doesn't make it wrong.

OK, sorry to wander off into the weeds. I just wanted to thank you for your kindness, and to express my hope that I can be helpful to others when I finally get my head put on straight.

Regards.

Fred, I now see my XW's cheating as a blessing. It was the one thing that got me off my [censored] and out of an abusive relationship. Life can be very good away from this type of person.

I think a lot of people come to an "aha" moment in these situations, when they realize they've been vindicated and were right in the decisions they made.

I have certainly been vindicated in the case of the dear man who abandoned an incipient interest in my daughter for a gaudy, smoldering facade. I've been vindicated to my face, and more than once, as he's volunteered to me that he made a mistake in judgment, and expressed great admiration for my youngest daughter's faithfulness to her adoptive, disturbed children when his ex-wife couldn't even be faithful enough to her biological child to keep his family protected and intact. It's never been said with the idea of starting a romance. THAT is dead with a stake through its heart, but was simply a heartfelt admission of error that was very soothing to me, I have to confess.

But even if he had never said anything, I would've been vindicated in my own mind simply by watching the train wreck that woman made of his life, because I KNEW it was a bad idea from the very start. You may someday, Fred, have your wife, or ex-wife, as the case may be, admit to you that she was wrong and shouldn't have done this to you. But you will eventually know within yourself, if you don't already, that what she is doing and will do to herself, traveling along the road she's choosing, was not your fault. That is very valuable knowledge to have, and whether she admits it to you or not, you'll know it's true. If I were choosing, I would WAY rather be you than her!

tl

Thank you, T&L. Two of A.A. Twelve Steps call for us to make "a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to the all" and to make "direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I have already done these with WW, admitting my part in the downfall of the M. If WW has it within her, she may one day find the need to do the same.

I bawled like a baby when the truth of what I had done became apparent to me. I haven't cried like that in decades. So I have taken ownership of my 50% of our relationship's problems. But I'm not going to wait for WW to own hers.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh, and only time will tell. But I don't think I want to spend years spinning my wheels waiting for something that may never come to pass. I'm moving forward as though I'm never going to see here again -- at least after she and the moving van pull away from the driveway.

FRed, I did the same thing. I wrote my XW two very heartfelt letters apologizing for my role in the state of our marriage. This was before the divorce and before I discovered the infidelity.
She never even acknowledged them and continued to lie and cheat.
You have done all you can. You cannot make someone get help. If she is disordered it is extremely unlikely she will change. These folks almost never do and, it takes years of hard work in therapy to do so.

You know what, Zelmo? I've given up trying to pin a label on WW. "Disordered," "damaged" or anything else. I read a lot of the articles on shrink4men and I found I was trying to pigeonhole WW. Then it occurred to me that it really doesn't make any difference: She has chosen her path (with or without her Higher Power's guidance). I need to get a broom and sweep up the wreckage and clear up my own path.

Yes, it hurts. But if I let myself stay in the hurt, circling around, trying to find rationale. logic or reason to it all, I'm just stewing in it and not recovering. Recovery is the reason I'm here. And that doesn't necessarily mean putting the M back together.

"I don't yet know if I want to be in Plan A or Plan D then. "

Going to plan B you do not move back to plan A. Plan B can take up one to two years to get a WW back.

You can stay in plan B longer if you want to because you are not ready to divorce. You never have to divorce. Though there maybe legal and financial aspects that have to be addressed with a lawyer.

One enters plan B as the last strategy to end an affair because they do not want to D.

Fred, I certainly understand the feeling that one is pigeonholing and that it may be self serving. But, for me, and many others, it was quite helpful in figuring out that this was not all my fault by reading the criteria listed for the PD diagnosis and realizing that this was a bonafide , recognized patttern of behavior.
My XW's behavior was relatively egregious, even before the affairs. I was routinely doused with cold water while showering. I was given long term silent treatments. She was brutally mean to my boys from my first marriage. She bounced thousands of $$ in checks and I was working three jobs to try to keep us out of debt. Meanwhile, she was buying lingerie and bikinis and using our children's parochial school tuition money to fund her wardrobe and her affair expenses.
But, you are right. Diagnosis or not, your wife is cheating, will not stop, lies and shows no remorse. So, really, what else can you do unless you are willing to put your life on hold indefinitely, but to get out.

There is a time limit on my willingness to stay on hold. In fact, in many ways I'm already moving forward. Since there is a legal waiting period, I have no other choice. But I can continue to work on myself, and perhaps even on recovering my marriage.

Fredo - I admire you.

Geez, PB, you're going to give me a swelled head!

I don't know why, except perhaps that I'm a Beatles fan, too.

Seriously, this is the hardest, most hurtful thing I have ever encountered in my life. Perhaps because I have the benefit of recovering from alcoholism (18+ years ago), smoking (16+ years ago) the death of my parents and other life events, I have the knowledge that "time heals all wounds." On the other hand, because of my addictive personality, I also have a level of impatience ("I want what I want when I want it") that requires constant tending, lest it get out of control.

I got addicted to my WW probably as much as she is now addicted to OM. I've never relapsed on alcohol or tobacco, but the temptation is great to relapse with WW. I'm in just as much withdrawal now as she will likely be when the A dies.

The people here are my "marital sponsors." You folks keep me centered and grounded when I start thinking "relapse" thoughts.

Only if and when WW because "safe" to my sanity and well-being will I allow her near me. The best cure for temptation is removal.

I liken plan B for us betrayed to the withdrawal waywards go through from their OPs too Fred.

It is a tough thing to deal with and I sure have respect for the angst of 'no contact'.

Phew. It brings out the real character of each person.

I am going to do the best I can today.

Readers will know the East Coast is being hit with possible record snowfall.

Near the beginning of our relationship, WW and I got snowed in. She hadn't yet moved in with me, but the snowfall made driving perilous, and I had a comfy home with fireplace and lots of windows overlooking the woods. We relished each others' company and being housebound for days seemed inviting, not daunting.

I've put in enough provisions for this snow. I have firewood, hot chocolate, holiday cookies and food enough to keep me comfortable until the snow stops and the roads are cleared.

But the mounding snow brings a lot of unwanted memories. I'm going to try to focus on TODAY and make a new memory.

And DUDE -- no tree trimming today. Well, I *am* going to put up a tree, but it's just going to be me putting the ornaments on.

Oh boy, did you just describe me perfectly. I've never had addiction issues at all. An occassional glass of wine is it for me. But I am about the most impatient person on earth, and this whole A & D has sure pulled me down a rung or two on the impatience ladder. I really get it Fred.....

A shout out to DUDE:

Hey, you've no doubt heard about the little snowfall we're getting in the Mid-Atlantic. It did a number of the party I was throwing which included putting up and trimming my Christmas tree.

But guess what? I did it on my own! In fact, being snowed in with no place to go, I took my own sweet time about it, and spent the entire afternoon moving furniture, putting up the tree, adjusting the lights, hanging the ornaments and draping the garland. And you know what? I feel good!

Doing something -- rather than sitting around the house and moping -- is good therapy. I was a little worried that I'd get morose and melancholy about doing something WW and I used to do together, but I just took my time, not caring if I took a break (I took many), not having to coordinate who does what, puts things where, or any of the other "partner" type of activities that accompany an endeavor of this sort.

I've even put holiday towels in the guest room, put the Christmas kitchen items on display, and now I'm sitting here, feeling very satisfied and accomplished. And now the dark is falling, along with the snow.

Soon, I'll make myself comfortable on the sofa and watch the undefeated New Orleans Saints (I still can't get used to that idea!) take on the hated (sorry, but that's my opinion) Dallas Cowboys.

It's been a good day. Two of the people I'd invited called to see how I was doing. I told them I'd send them pictures of the tree!

Someone once here had a great quote about attitude making up your reality. We all have the choice of our attitude. Good for you on not dwelling on the memories and moping.

I'm in CT and I'm still waiting for snow

Gg

I'm doing the best I can to send it to you. Funny, it seems to want to hang around a bit longer.

18" - 24" of Global Warming before it's done, I hear.