Sorry this is so long. My husband and I have been married for six years. We have had our share of problems and struggles, but we have always been very close.
He deployed to Iraq for a year and in the midst of it we were buying our first home. We were both so excited.
At first the deployment seemed to bring us closer. We would call each other and email many times a day. I'd send care packages and he told me that he was going to make me his priority, which made me very happy because I had always felt like I wasn't on the top of his list.
Then, the day our home sale closed; I was so excited, then he emailed apologising for accidently sending me the email about the girl and said it was just guy talk. I read the email, it was between he and a friend stateside. He was talking about how he wanted to have sex and more with a woman he worked with here and how he loved women; except maybe for wives, and how I was little or no effort on his part. It hurt me a lot. I wrote back saying that I felt it wasn't just guy talk and it was hurtful. He became angry and sent me a bunch of mean emails saying it was no big deal and that I needed professional help because I was upset. I stopped reading the emails until the next day and his demeanor totally changed,he sent tons of emails saying he apologised, told me how much he loves me and that he didn't want any woman but me.
I forgave him but still felt very hurt and angry for a while. He had chested on me three years prior with his ex-wife on our Anniversary, so it was difficult to forgive again.
A few weeks later he came home for leave. Because I was still very upset and didn't want to have an angry outburst, and also because I wanted him to make an effort, I distanced myself a bit. I didn't spend all my time with him, I'd go to the spa with friends or take his daugther shopping. I was looking very good because I had been focusing more on caring for myself. He noticed and like it, but once he went back to Iraq all the guys there convinced him I was cheating because I looked so good. I wasn't and never have. I really love him so much.
It made me so sad that he thought I was cheating, I knew he was hurting and feeling very helpless over there. All my anger and hurt went away, and I decided to do whatever it took to repair our marriage. We began emailing each other much more and the emails were very sweet and loving. Then he was to come home for his next leave. I was so excited; so was my son, we welcomed him home. I was a bit sad though because he was only going to be home for two days and then was to fly to his hometown for an old childhood friend's wedding. During the two days we worked on installing insullation under our home; we had to because winter was coming, so there wasn't a whole lot of recreation time.
He went to the wedding and came back home, but the next day he had received a call saying his dad was in the hospital, so he made plans to fly back. He had also expressed his fears about going back to Iraq, he thought he was going to die. He felt he had to go back so that we could finish paying off our debts. He was angry because he wished I had paid the debts first. I tried to explain that there are many costs associated with purchasing the home and that I had indeed paid of many of our other debts, but he was still angry. I suggested that he not go back and that I get a job (I'm a full time student in my senior year). He thought that could be a solution, but hadn't made a decision.
He left to go see his dad for a week. He called me every day, at least at first. He told me he was staying at his mom's house. I called there on the third day and his stepdad said he had never stayed there and hadn't even seen him. I called to see if he was staying with his dad or brother, but he wasn't. When he called again I asked him where he was staying; at first he said his mom's, but then he admitted he was staying with his guy friend whose wedding he had gone to. He said he had lied because he thought I'd be upset. On the previous trip he hadn't seen any of his family and then felt guilty when his dad got sick, so I encouraged him to spend as much time with family as possible. I asked him if he could call me from his friends' house, but he said that his friend wouldn't let him use the phone. I found that kind of weird. I was beginning to panic. It seemed all he did was lie, which was weird because he had never lied before; even when he had cheated he came straight out and told me.
Still, I wanted to do all I could. Since I wasn't sure if he was going back to Iraq, and if he did he would miss Christmas, Thanksgiving, our Anniversary, and all our birthdays, I set up the Christmas tree, prepared Thanksgiving dinner, and got birthday and anniversary gifts ready so we could celebrate early.
The day came to pick him up from the airport, but I got a message saying he missed his flight and that all the tickets were really expensive. He said he'd stay in a hotel and the next day I could check online to try to find something cheaper. The next day I received a message saying that he got a ticket (weird because it never showed up on our bank account), that I didn't need to pick him up, that he wasn't going back to Iraq, and that we were getting a divorce. He was gone for about a week to who knows where, he made no purchses on our account, and I didn't hear anything from him for two weeks.
I got divorce papers on our anniversary. I hadn't seen him for two months (he said it would be too painful, he also said he was said but felt he had no choice). The other day I finally saw him at divorce mediation. He looked very sad, he kept staring at me and tears kept welling in his eyes. He is pretty much giving me everything and paying all my bills for a year so that I can finish school. The mediator said he had never seen two people in mediation respect and care for each other more.
This site is amazing and I've been doing all I can to follow the concepts. He's talking a little. He says he wants me to be happy, he said he tried but couldn't make me happy. I'll have to sign the papers in a week or two. I just feel so helpless. Our kids are hurting so much too. Is there any hope at all?
