While we may all possess the wiring for affairs, I think some have shorter circuits than others. I still find myself somewhat offended by these statements. I spent the better part of my M not having my ENs met and I did all sorts of different things to compensate for that, none of them even remotely approaching adultery. Many people (like the woman in the article) seem to "fall into" an affair simply because a member of the opposite sex is ahead of them in the checkout line at the supermarket. I'm sorry, but there is a big difference.

Yeah, Tabby, I did the same as you....My needs were not being met at all...and cheating never even crossed my mind, and I had opportunities years ago too. I loved my H and would have NEVER done that to him, i guess i had too much respect and love for him and obviously he had none of that for me.

Not to put words in someone's mouth, but I doubt righthere's "BTDT" was referring to having an A. I imagine it was referring to the fact that we've all seen the foolishness demonstrated in the article.

This article ( and the comments following) just truly sadden me.......

BTW.....BR and Sugar you all are too funny

Cheating never crossed my FWW's mind, either, until she was in too deep and didn't know how to get out. And the way out was not one she would have chosen; it's excruciatingly painful for both of us.

You think your love for your husband and respect for your marriage means you're immune to an affair? Unless you have extraordinary precautions in place for you to prevent it, you're more vulnerable than most people. You just haven't encountered a suitable target yet.

FWW & I have almost always had a great sex life. Good communication. Extremely affectionate. Devoted to our children and family, yet still going on weekly dates for 3+ hours and making sure we kept close to one another. We were deeply in love, according to both of us, and extremely compatible. Married young, learned to communicate early, and spent at least an hour a day just talking to one another in addition to our weekly date night. We really did spend the requisite time together and worked hard to maintain compatibility over fifteen years of marriage.

And FWW was still vulnerable to falling for another man simply because she gave him her time on a regular basis, and he was persistent in pursuing her.

If it can happen to a God-fearing, deeply-devoted-to-her-marriage woman like her, it can happen to anyone. It doesn't absolve her of her responsibility (there are always reasons, but rarely excuses) but it does provide an object lesson for how even couples who maintain their love for one another can be susceptible to an affair if they don't have good boundaries (read: extraordinary precautions) in place to prevent others from depositing too many love units.

I know Dr. Harley says that we are all wired to have an A based on his research but I can guarantee you (and I am in my 40s) I will never have S or inappropriate activity with another man as long as I am with my H. I was M before and for YEARS my emotional needs were not met. I had so many opportunities to have an A but I actually want to regurgitate when thinking about being M and have another man touch my body. That is very nasty to me and I KNOW and am 100% confident that I will NEVER cheat on my DH. I will leave him and I did my first H before I cheated.

That's pretty clearly the case. righthere said:



As in, "*I* agree with everyone here, but then again, *we* here all agree on this because *we* have experienced the receiving side of cheating (i.e. BTDT) - but the yahoo OW's never have, and it's distressing to hear them rambling about their 'love'".

AGG

I see that now, GoodGuy. Thank you for helping!

My apologies to righthere. I can be incredibly dense sometimes.

This quote from the article,

"As the months went on he told me things like "I want to explore life with you� and so many other sweet words that truly penetrated my heart."

is a part that really stumps me. How do women fall for stuff like that in this context?

Stupid comment removed

How do middle-aged men fall for Sweet Young Thang saying, "I'd still love you even if you were broke."?



Because it's what they (needy men and women) want to hear. And life's Users tell them they are special and beautiful, mizundastood and young at heart--and what the hey--like a gumball machine the goodies of sex and free Vegas trips come spewing out.

Bless their hearts.

Re: certain people not being capable of cheating...

One of the first bad choices I made last year was to choose to continue to think that I was too decent a guy to ever get involved in something like an affair. I was an attentive dad, dedicated employee, heavily involved in my church, married 16 years to a great woman whom I generally got along quite well with. I was raised from birth to fear God & know right from wrong. Not me... never... no way...

I understand when a lot of BSs say they could never cheat. I think it's ok for BSs to feel that way, because they are speaking from the standpoint of hindsight -- they know firsthand the deep pain that infidelity causes, and they're more attuned to any red-flags (situations that could lead to affairs), just on account of what they've been through. They've got their guards up, rightfully so. They know & understand about the importance of proper boundaries.

I think that for most people though, the better viewpoint to take is to acknowledge that no matter how much of a boy-scout (or girl-scout) we are & have been throughout our lives to that point, we nonetheless actually are capable of some surprisingly awful conduct! I now know exactly what I'm capable of, with no illusions that I'm too good for this or that. That knowledge helps me to keep my guard up. For my wife & me, it was expensive knowledge.

Hypothetical: If I went into a church men's group and asked 100 married guys to fill out an anonymous questionnaire where they'd be asked if they thought they'd ever cheat on their wives, and the 3 possible answers were "Yes", "Perhaps under certain circumstances," or "No, never!" I'll bet that in 15 years, we'd find as many or more cheaters among those that answered "No, never!" as among those few who would answer "Yes" or "Under certain circumstances" combined -- because I'll bet lots of the "No, never!" guys would drop their guards & shift their boundaries. I think guys who acknowledge the danger, on the other hand, would tend to be more careful.

(This wouldn't explain serial cheating, of course... that's one I'm not sure I'll ever understand...)

A few years back a mutual friend introduced me to a lady she has known for years, great gal, smart, successful, together, blah blah... We met, liked each other, started dating... After a couple of months we were going for a drive to a getaway weekend, and decided to share whatever skeletons we might have still had in the closet. I told her something (can't remember what, as I am as boring as they come and have no skeletons ), and then she said "well, I must confess that when I was in my late 20's, I had a relationship with a married man".

I (being a recent BS) almost drove off the road, but managed to keep my composure, and asked "how long did it last?", hoping it might have been just a stupid fling. She said it lasted a couple of years. I did manage to get us to our destination in one piece, but our relationship was "done" from that moment, even though I mentally gave her brownie points for admitting something that I would have never found out otherwise.

I do not understand why grown-ups (not wide eyed teenagers) do this kind of stuff, and think that it's OK to do. It's pretty sad to hear this kind of gibberish from people who apparently think that "I want to explore life with you" could mean anything other than "I want to explore the contents of your panties"... Idiots.

AGG

I know that seems to be the party line, Gloveoil, and , I do not neccessarily include myself in the group caliming to be incapable of cheating. But, it is mere speculation as to whether each and evryone of us, under the right set of circumstances , would cheat.
I imagine Dr Harley has come to this conclusion based on the folks he has treated. However, that sampling group is comprised of known cheaters already.
I am simply not able to conceive of any circumstances that my mom would have cheated on my dad. Same with a bunch of other folks I know.
But, on the other hand, now that infidelity is very much on my radar, I have learned of a number of my acquaintences having cheated and these are people I would not have believed capable of this.
I think one of the problems a BS has with the assertion that anyone could or would cheat is that , in some way, it seems to lessen the responsibility of the individual WS who chose to cheat. It seems like the WS is saying, "look, what i did was not so bad. Anyone would do the same under the circumstances".
This is offensive to the Bs who, in many cases, was suffering at least as much deprivation in the marriage as the WS, yet chose not to cheat.

Yes.

And Yes, Nano, I agree men do the same thing at times.

And it's in the exploration of those circumstances that I came to understand why FWW cheated and I didn't... and those are the areas in which FWW had insufficient precautions in place, was accustomed to independent behavior, and was dishonest with me.

Independent Behavior and Dishonesty are the two Love-Busters required for an affair. If I can't imagine myself having an affair, I think it's important to evaluate my behavior in those two areas. If either one is a problem -- even lying about little things to my spouse, or acting against my spouse's best interest even a little bit -- I increase my chances of an affair.

EDIT: "I" language, I was way too preachy with "you" language!

> I do not neccessarily include myself in the group caliming to be incapable of cheating

Incapable, no.

Improbable, yes.

I am amazed with the comments from this article. So many OP professing love for their MP. They blame the BS for all of it and of course they are the "innocent" ones.

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

(Dee...."I love YOU more than my luggage"....)

not2fun