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Just curious, how often does Plan B actually work where the WS comes back, or is it really just a way for the BS to let go and move on.
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Just curious, how often does Plan B actually work where the WS comes back, or is it really just a way for the BS to let go and move on. I believe it worked for SMB.
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I don't know what to say. It is mainly to get over the WS.
I think there is a small chance to get them back, but really...small.
Hang in there
atena
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Not so small, actually.
The Harley's have around an 80% success rate, and Dr. H said that A's hardly ever end from Plan A alone. It logically follows that most of their peeps have to use Plan B, and a goodly share of them succeed.
It worked miracles for me - I had almost the shortest Plan B on record till Juzzie/Zuj came along. Her Plan B lasted about 2 hours maybe 3.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I don't know what to say. It is mainly to get over the WS.
I think there is a small chance to get them back, but really...small.
Hang in there Actually, Plan B is for the BS to remove themselves from the drama and pain of the WS. Plan B has worked MANY times in my 2 yrs here. Some last for a short period, some longer....a list of successful Plan B'ers SMB (Sexymamabear) Queenie (her's was a year long) LilDoggie Verve Mimi Mortarman MarriedForever Mine was so short I don't even bother to call it a Plan B...it was 6 days. But the ones above were in theirs for 6 weeks or longer.....yes it works...even if the marriage doesn't survive it....like Believer Silentlucidity Chailover DancingMachine Luna Eyeofthestorm These are all example's of people who did Plan B, but ended up D anyway, but have grown and survived and thrived not2fun
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I think I remeber reading somewhere on here that the WS almost always comes back when the A ends and usu the A does end...the reason that Plan B seems to not work for R is that by the time a lot of the WS come back the BS doesnt want R anymore...sometimes its up to like five years later.
My WH A is still on and I have been in Plan b for over a year and a half...I gave myself a time limit of 2 years and then I am gonna reevaluate and see how I feel by then. Most likely I will be done waiting, but who knows. I am in no rush to date or anything. There are a lot of BS' that plan B worked for M R.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
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[
Actually, Plan B is for the BS to remove themselves from the drama and pain of the WS. As not2fun stated, the purpose of Plan B is not to end the affair [it purports to do no such thing] but only to protect the BS from the abuse of the affair. Plan B is not designed to send a message to your husband, or to let him think about how much he'll miss you after a divorce. It is designed to protect you from the emotional fallout of your husband's affair. It's a risky move, because it often leads to divorce. But the alternatives are even worse. If you don't go to plan B, when it's all over, you'd be an emotional basketcase.
You don't have to do a thing in Plan B. You certainly don't have to divorce your husband. But be sure to consult with a divorce attorney to understand your rights and risks. You should try to live your life as if your husband doesn't exist. Granted, plan B doesn't always work. It doesn't always lead to reconciliation. Even after an affair is over, an unfaithful spouse can continue in his or her selfish ways, and the marriage never does have the opportunity to get on track. But at least it offers partial protection of your emotional reactions for the possibility that some day he will earnestly try to reconcile. And even if he never tries, you will be in a much better place, emotionally and physically, if you have defensive barriers in place to protect yourself from the some of the damage he could have inflicted on you.
Give him two years of plan B, and then let go. By then, there will be little hope for reconciliation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I think Believers WH tried to R after like 5 years but she had already moved on...and I am sure there were others that when the WS tried to R it was too late for the BS...you just dont hear about those because the M was never R...
Once there is an A the damage has been done...so I think that Plan B gives you your best chance for M R....and if that doesnt happen at least you have all ready started the moving on process and kept yourself from the drama.
Last edited by stillhere8126; 12/18/09 08:38 PM.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
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Dr Harley points out that there is always a risk that the separation will become permanent: While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind."He also points out that the commitment of marriage is a factor that helps the WS to return. The existence of children is another motivating factor. His writings suggest that this commitment does not exist for the wayward partner in living together situations where there are no children:
What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. Marriage, on the other hand, especially with children, has many factors that motivate couples to restore their passion for each other after passion has waned. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.
What Are Plan A and Plan B? Plan B will help you to let go and prepare you for life without your partner if she does not go back to you.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." From what I've seen here Plan B is a long shot at getting your WS back and many BS lose the will to keep it going but there are success stories here. If you have kids, the chances of successful Plan B might increase because there is motivation to try and R the M, especially after A with OP fails. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Dr Harley points out that there is always a risk that the separation will become permanent:
While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Dr Harley also points out that Plan B is a BETTER option than Plan A after that avenue has been exhausted, so I hope folks don't think he is advocating staying in a prolonged plan A after reading the above - he is not: When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly.
That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a coninuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns.
Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.
So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover. And how long should Plan A last? The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"
My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.
If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just to clarify, I did not go into Plan B. I did Plan A for nearly 6 months. I had no Plan A left in me, and switched to a love must be tough approach while I was trying to get prepared for Plan B.
I should have already been in Plan B.
Plan B protects the BS from the twisted abuse of the WS, and it protects the BS's love bank from any further withdrawals by the WS. Had I been in Plan B, I would have been insulated from some of the ugliest stuff my FWH dished out.
Last edited by sexymamabear; 12/18/09 10:51 PM.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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T/J :MerryChristmas: SMB
End of T/J
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Someone correct me if I am wrong, but wasn't BrambleRose in Plan B for 18 months and recovered her M?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Hey Queenie! 
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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BrambleRose's h ended his affair the night before the final hearing on their divorce. I believe she had been in Plan B for about 18 months.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well - there's no way to write this without it sounding like whining, so I guess that's what it is.
I have not seen or spoken to XWH in 18 months. The divorce was final in January 2009. I still think of myself as being in Plan B because it helps me to think of it that way.
It's true, I am shielded from his abuse - from having his girls rubbed in my face (which he did for years) and from rubbing the divorce in my face (which he has never had the opportunity to do.)
It's less pain. But I don't feel good. I haven't "moved on" at all. I am surviving and I work every day and take care of the house and exercise and do what I'm supposed to do, but I don't feel any better.
After Thanksgiving, where my daughter and her family came out and my son and his girlfriend and some of his other friends were here and we really did have a lot of fun, I was completely wiped out. I just felt drained and empty and sad.
I will never get used to this. It's completely stupid and wrong. There were too many years of good times and traditions. This will never be okay.
Maybe it would be different if it had been a mess from the start, but it wasn't. Things only changed after he started working in the corporate crackhouse and became a full-blown addict for cheap female attention and porn and strippers and sex, all of which the corporate culture and heavy travel makes very, very easy.
Nothing happened between us. It was entirely outside forces (the corporate crackhouse culture) that he allowed to take over his life, and he was very angry that I would not go along with him leading a single life at work and a married life at home.
So he taught me a lesson by ramming a divorce down my throat.
Don't get me wrong - I am grateful for the family I have left. The kids and grandkids are all wonderful, and I have other relatives in-state that I keep in touch with as well - but there is a giant hole in my chest that will never be filled and I feel like I'm just running on empty all the time.
And even though I know I'm not supposed to, I do feel like last week's trash that got thrown away. How could I not? That's what he did and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I lost my horse this year, too. I have never talked about that to anyone except here on this board. Know why? Because I think people would be sympathetic over the fact that I lost an animal, but when I lose my husband it's just, "Hey! Move On! Get Over It! You're just feeling sorry for yourself! Go get help! Go back on your meds!"
Do you think anyone would say that to me about the horse?
It's quite fascinating in some respects, the reactions people have.
Oh, and I have no health insurance now, either, since the minute the divorce went into effect I was cut off from his. I have tried repeatedly, but I cannot get insurance because now I have a pre-existing condition. And what would that be? It's the Anxiety and Depression diagnosed after the nervous breakdown in April 2008 that had me in the voluntary psych ward for five days.
I completely agree that Plan B is better than being with a lying cheating adulterous spouse, but unfortunately it has not given me the life that most others here say they have after being in Plan B/D for months or years.
Oh, well. Merry F'n Christmas. It's supposed to be 74 degrees and sunny here on The Island of Misfit Toys today, and I'm grateful for that, too. I'll be working in the yard for a while and then probably putting in some overtime. I'm also grateful to have a job. I may well lose my house because the bank just laughs when I try to get the deed put in my name, like the Divorce Order says I am to do, but I do have a job and the remaining family are all people I am very, very proud of.
Waaah.
Mulan
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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SMB I love ya and wish you the happiest of holidays. Thanks Melody.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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MULAN I have no words to say that could possibly make it better, feel better or otherwise. I just wish you the most blessings that G-d has soon so that one day... It will be somehow ok. I'm so very sorry how you hurt. I have reaped the benefits of your wisdom and just pray for the light at the end of the tunnel and that the promises from G-d truly play in your life.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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