Hi, I am new and this is my first post. My H has been having an affair for 8 months, but I have known for only 6 months. I found out in the middle of our vacation to Paris in April!! He brought the computer along to "do some work" and I accidently walked in while he was writing love letters to OW. We were both in shell shock after I found out. He promised to end it with her 5 times and of course didn't. Later, we separated for 3 months. He came home after he told me he was ending it with her, and didn't again. He stayed home 2 1/2 weeks and then told me he is in love with her; he still loves me but not as much as he used to. He moved out on Monday of this week, again. He sees me almost everyday, as he works from the home office. He is planning on getting a house to rent. She lives in a neighboring state - FL. <P>I have been going solo to weekly counseling for about 4 months. I have inundated my friends with my problems, and do not want to run off the support I have there. I am looking for others to support me daily or at least several times a week through this forum. I have been reading this forum for about 1 month and feel I can relate to so much of what many of you write. <P>My H is a good man, and heretofore, we have had a very successfule marriage. Some crises occured in both of our lives over the past 2 years and both my H and I agree that these have helped to get us to the point we are at today. The problem is that I feel we could recapture our intense love for each other. He isn't really so interested, because he has found that intense love with the OW. We have 6 kids, and the youngest is 18 and just started college, so he feels no need to stay for the sake of the kids. He does, however, try to keep me engaged emotionally. I suspect he wants me to be there if things really don't pan out with the OW. He left today to go to FL to spend 5 days with her. <P>I am sad beyond belief and amazed that this H of mine has changed from the loving, devoted person I knew into this "stranger" that I scarcely recognize. The best news is that I know, and my H has confirmed, my "failing" part in helping to get us to this estranged point, via the crises. I am working with my counselor on communication skills, etc. I feel I am growing for the better. But, I also feel a tremendous sense of loss of self, rejection and abandonment. Also, I am fighting the feelings of being victimized, since H wants out and I do not.<P>Worst of all is this H's waffling!!!! I guess I need to move to Plan B since H's actions of today. I have been doing a pretty good Plan A for the past several months (didn't know about it before then and did nothing but LB with demands, angry outbursts and trying to "fix" my H's problems for him!!) Now, every day I do the best job I can that day of being non-judgemental and nice. But, I don't always do such a great job. <P>I hurt so much, though, as the rest of you do, too. Sorry this is long, but I am loking for words of encouragement and support.<P>Roll Me Away

RMA - Welcome. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It is, without a doubt, the hardest thing in the world.<P>Sounds like you're doing a good job of working on you and your marriage. That's all you can do. As far as Plan B is concerned, when you're no longer able to take contact with him, it's time. But remember, no contact means NO CONTACT! Be very sure when you go to Plan B.<P>I hope things begin to get better for you very soon. Hang in there.<P>Lori

Roll Me Away, <P>Welcome. It breaks my heart every time I read a new story here. Infidelity seems to be a cancer spreading across this world and it's not going away. <P>You certianly are welcome here and you will find support. We cry on one anothers shoulders often. We give each other a good kick in the pants when needed. And as always, we are here to listen and offer encouragement.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My H is a good man<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>He's certainly not being good to you right now. He may be a good man, but he has made a major mistake in his life. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The problem is that I feel we could recapture our intense love for each other.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You can!!! I am head over heals gone for my wife (I'm the betrayed). She doesn't share those feelings but I have hope. A year ago, I didn't know my wife at all. I set out to get to know her, and fell for her again bigger than ever.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He isn't really so interested, because he has found that intense love with the OW.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is common with <B>ALL</B> betrayers. He's blinded right now. He doesn't know that mature love and committment love far exceeds infatuation. The intensity will wear off and he will see what he has done.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I suspect he wants me to be there if things really don't pan out with the OW.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You sound like a seasoned vetern with this statement. You're right.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The best news is that I know, and my H has confirmed, my "failing" part in helping to get us to this estranged point, via the crises.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is excellent for you. Knowing your part in the break down will help you recover. But, what about him? Does he know his part? Nothing and I mean <B>NOTHING</B> you did is justification for him to have an affair. That was his choice and a horrible one at that.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I guess I need to move to Plan B since H's actions of today.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Only you will know when it's time for Plan B. When your love for him starts to erode, then it's time.<P>We know you are hurting. We are here to help as much as we can.<P>SHA <p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 21, 1999).]

Welcome Roll,<BR> I'm sorry that you are experiencing what all of us are, but we are here for you. My w is still in the midst of an internet affair, so I know how you feel. I would stick to Plan A if your emotions can handle it a while longer, especially if he is living at home. It will be hard for him to fall back "in love" with you as long as the ow is around, so hang tough. My wife also told me that she loves me but is "not in love with me". This is standard. I have been in Plan A for 3+ months and I am seeing very small signs that it might be working, but she still can't say I love you and I'm still on the couch. You have a lot going for you. You should read surviving an affair by Dr. Harley if you haven't already. It helped me tremendously. Good luck!<BR>dzrt

Thanks to you all for the replys. My H has also admitted his part in the "failings" that have gotten us to this point. We have BOTH accepted responsibility for losing focus on each other and not communicating effectively during the series of crises we have endured these past 2 years. But, thus far, I am the only one actively working on problems via counseling and reading, etc.<P>But, we are both pained right now and he is getting "medication" from his affair. He told me he doesn't feel guilty one little bit for the ongoing affair relationship (sense of entitlement??); however, he does know he is hurting me and feels sorry for doing so. Nonetheless, he doesn't do anything to end the affair. I still believe he is a good man, but DO NOT condone what he is doing. I love the H, but HATE his actions!!!<P>I AM working on me. I want to be a better partner whether with or without my husband, if he chooses to opt out of our marriage. We have been together 12 years, married 11 of those years. This terrible time is the first "bad" patch between us, and neither knew how to communicate or support the other through it, so we just drifted apart.<P>I can not make him want to work on the marriage just because I belive in us. It is sad to me to think he only wanted to be my H for the good times, and at the first sight of the bad times, he wants to run!!<P>Oh well....I can only control me. But, I am struggling so much to be strong, think clear and make good decisions, and try to be there for my kids who are also hurting, as well as the hurting H. I DO NOT want to be bitter. I work on forgiving him (can't say "forgiven" because the events are in the present not the past), but truthfully, I do not think he is forgiving himself!<P>Roll Me Away