i don't know if i belong in "surviving an affair" or "in recovery" or where? Husband had numerous affairs years ago,met people in chat rooms then they became physical to the point he was flying to different states to be with ow.You can read inbetween the lines to make this post shorter. I've been through alot .My concern now is just this week he got a reply from an old girlfriend whom he's always wondered about through "facebook".I can understand the shock of hereing from her but since he told me five days ago he keeps bringing her up. she has sent him pics of herself and her xhusband which my h says looks alot like himself. so hes comparing himself to her x.Just today he's brought her up three times and showed me more pics. the worst thing is she lives 30 minutes away. I don't know if I can do this.i don't want to relive the nightmere again. if i'm wrong or jumping to conclusions please help me figure it out.It's bringing back alot of old memeries and bad feelings for me.
I've never been so humiliated and flet so ashamed.Odd I would feel that way after being married 24 years but yesturday I layed beside him in bed and we started fore play then out of now where he says whats for dinner and gets up. It was weired.The past two years my h has had two heart attacks and open heart surgery.I've nursed him through some very difficult times.i'm the main supporter of the family.i take care of everything.somehow i thought marriage was supposed to be a mutual thing,getting better with age and respecting,loving and taking care of each other through everything.Why do i feel so alone.I don't know what to do.He says he still cares for her ???? they only dated a short time when he was 16. I don't know how to handle this.before it too may get out of hand.

petals, come on! He has affairs ALL THE TIME and you're wondering if you should stay with him?

Why on earth do you think you are so worthless that you deserve to be treated like trash? Worse than trash?

Go to a lawyer Monday. File papers for separation. Even if you love him and want to be with him, there is only ONE way he will EVER respect you and treat you with dignity - if you kick him out now.

What catperson said.

Petals,

Think about enforcing boundaries. You are being abused. Don't accept it.

Women accept and try to smooth over family problems. They are menders. In this case the crack is too deep. You have to apply major surgery to this situation.

The consequence is living together -alone.

thank you all so much. last night h brought her up again and told me that if i have any worries about ow to get them out of my head, he just feels sorry for her and that i have nothing to worry about. Then he joked and said "and loose all this, come on". He had been chatting with her on face book and filled me in on the "new" info.the pics she sent show her as being pretty stable, very nice house ect. but apparently she's living with another man who she's known since she was a kid. My H asked her if they we're involved but apparently she didn't reply.Thats what makes her "weired"to him, she doesn't respond and answer his questions. My H says he doesn't want to pry but yet he's askig all the questions. I've noticed that if i just let him talk he tells more, i just listen.If i were to ask questions he'd shut down so at least me listening lets me know where his heads at.
Since I've been the main provider for a while now I don't have any savings. so i don't have the money to move.Anyway I'm just hanging in there. thank you very much

Petals,

A guy should not confide with a female. It is my own practice to shut down conversation with ladies after they are welcomed to this forum.

He should refer her to a lady councilor. Further contact is just looking for trouble.

Well then, why don't you stop paying for everything?

Pay for you, pay for the house, pay for the kids, pay for NOTHING for him. He can buy his own gas, own drinks, own cigarettes, etc.

Then, start putting aside $1.00 each day in a piggy bank. That he doesn't know about.

thank you, well I'm sleeping in my daughters room now. I've had enough. The day after christmas was awful. H kept calling me names and starting arguments with me for no reason,just anything he could find. I new something had happened.Sure enough H brought ow up in conversation and he mentioned that he got into a argument with ow boyfriend. Ow has been calling my h everyday since. H been trying to work things out with me but I'm not bitting,I'm sticking to my guns this time. H been asking if i want to sleep back in our room ect. I think my H found out ow isn't who he made her up to be in his head. She apparently is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. I'm so hurt, how he could just kick me to the curb when he thought he had her in his back pocket. Married 25 years, down the tubes. After his 2nd heart attack they did open heart surgery on him (he's only 47)I've always been there to take care of him. Slept every night at the hospital with him. Helped him with everything he needed which I thought a devoted wife was supposed to do. Last week he told me that he should of been greatful for my help, but he's not and that he thought of me more as a friend than a wife. Isn't that nice? He told me he loves me but hes not in love with me. Being here with him and the kids is tourcher. Our kids are 15,17 and 22 they are all begging me to move out away from him and thats what i plan to do. I have an appointment with legal aide this monday and they're going to help me with the divorce. It's time. Life is too short, there's no reason for me to stay with someone who doesn't love me. I feel like I've been hosed,fooled for so many years. what a waste of time.
Any way thanks for letting me blow my stack

I'm glad you're making plans to divorce. You deserve it.

I sleep in my daughters room now and my H walked in this morning and woke me up, he bent down and hugged me and kissed my cheek and said he was sorry for being an "A". I didn't respond or say anything. I have nothing to say and nothing more to give to him not even a hug. H has already told me that when I move out that ow may move in. I don't care anymore, i just need to get out of here before this gets ugly and more abusive. My kids and i drove around today looking for a place to move to.Of course they want the houses I can't afford. We drove by the homes we used to live in and we realized the times there wern't good either. I just feel so mad that he's destroyed everything. How every oppertunity we've had to be happy and better our life has been ruined with his lies and "BS". My kids are frustrated where to live and school. How awful I feel for them eventhough they know whats going on it's just extreemly stressful for them. I have two appointments this week one with an attorney and one with housing, so this week I'll have a better idea on where i stand with everything.They have both said they can help me with my situation but we'll see.I'm not used to asking for help from any orginization so i don't know what to expect. I just hope I can do something. thank you for your help

Petals, why should YOU have to move? You are paying the bills, and he is the one messing up, so HE needs to move out. I would not let him move the OW into MY HOME!

Petals, listen to the good peeps here. I too have been through the ringer with many OMs, lots of lies, gaslighting, guilt trip, more lies, etc. Based on my experience, here is what I'd suggest you do.

1. Snoop him...keylog the computer, flexispy.com his phone, voice record his car, GPS track his car, everything you can think of...while he is still in the house! You need to know the truth!
2. ASK him to leave the house. Don't kick him out, just ask him to leave and find some place else to sleep while you figure things out (by asking him to leave and not kicking him out...you see picture...you can use that against him later in court. NEVER, repeat NEVER leave your own house! NEVER!!!
3. get attorney fast!
4. Plan B the heck out of him. NO contact what so ever, period.
5. Expose the heck out of him to family, friends, co-workers, everyone you can think of.
6. Establish strict boundaries.

It is your life, and only you can decide what to do. I ignored the peeps here when they gave me suggestions. I stuck my head in the sand and didn't see the signs, the signals that all was not right in my WWs world. Could I have stopped her repeated A's and lies? Probably not. But I could have minimized my suffering and pain by taking actions early after DDay#2.

If he does get on the right path and you do decide to try and recover the marriage, there is one thing I will highly recommend before you decide to take him back -- polygraph!

Do not let him set foot back in your house until he takes and PASSES a poly! Get all your questions answered. I sincerely wish i would have polygraphed my STBxWW when I had the chance.

Take care, God Bless and be strong! LG

Add to LG's list:

Require a medical test for STDs. And that you see the results.

Don't forget: Your H has slept with EVERYONE who has ever slept with OW. Rarely do waywards use protection.

If you get a legal separation, I assume you can get him FORCED to provide for you and the kids financially. At least that's the way it works in America. Don't do anything until you ask the legal help about that.

Ooooo, STD test...can't believe i forgot that one Fred. Especially after the scare I had with STDs...

[tj]
I received another EOB in my email today. The Leopard continued to take advantage of her health coverage right through 12/31.

That should be the last of it. Her STD test will be on her own.
[/tj]