I've spent the last few days standing by my wife as she cries and cries over the loss of her lover. I feel so helpless standing by her quietly but I dare not do much more since I feel anything I try to do will only make things worse. Her pain is so strong right now I feel it physically, this will take a long time. We can go out in public and be the married couple but when she is alone she reserved and in pain. I keep finding things for us to do together, wrapping presents, planning Christmas and New Years -- both of which we are hosting. I'm running out of things to keep her occupied.

What can I do to help my wife with this?

When is it best to start talking about our plan for addressing the cause of the affair and starting counseling? I can identify my lack of showing affection, my self absorption in things other then my wife. She feels our marriage is hopeless right now.

Her mother, who is about to divorce her Dad after 7 years of trying to keep their marriage together (like I needed that) would have me take the kids and walk if she can't stay away from OM. Should that message/threat even come out of my mouth?

...

Tell her:

"My heart is breaking. Please, let's go outside and go for a walk together. We don't need to talk, just hold hands with me."

I think your wife has to take responsibility for getting over her affair partner, and, she is showing an incredible amount of insensitivity by expressing her sadness to you, the injured party. It is sort of like a person punching you in the face and breaking her hand expecting you to have sympathy for her pain. In fact, it is actually worse than that in that her continued demonstration of grief inflicts pain on you.
I will never understand any WS expecting his or her BS to give comfort over this type of grief. A WS who expects this, IMO, is demonstrating the exact qualities that allowed him or her to cheat in the first place, self absorption and lack of empathy. These are the types of Wss that expected their BS to be responsilbel for the WS's happiness, and who cheated because their unrealistic, childish expectations could not be met.
Your wife needs to take responsibility for dealing with her grief in such a way that she does not cause you further pain. This is her responsibility as a fully evolved adult.

As far as you MIL's position, I agree, although it should be stated as a boundary, a natural consequence of continued cheating. There are consequences to cheating. You are giving your WW a huge gift by showing a willingness to try to forgive her and give her a second chance.
If she cannot see that and continues to cheat, you need to take care of yourself and get away from the continued trauma infliction.

Typically the worst symptoms of withdrawal recede within 2-3 weeks of the end of the affair. Withdrawal symptoms and "fog" usually persist for 3-6 months.

What can you do?

Be vigilant but loving. Be together as much as possible. She's not going to let you do much in the way of making Love Bank deposits, so take advantage of this time to learn how to improve yourself: meet her most important emotional needs, avoid Love Busters, spend a minimum of 15 hours (but more like 20+) giving her your Undivided Attention, and be radically honest with her.

With one exception: don't discuss the methods you use to monitor her compliance with No Contact For Life with her lover. She cannot be trusted with that information, possibly for the rest of her life.

At this point, avoid all relationship talk if you can. You're still in Plan A right now: trying to separate your wife from her lover. Treat it as an active affair for at least a few more weeks, and then as just the tentative beginnings of recovery for the first 3-6 months.

I was eager to have my wife back and believe we were in recovery right away. Fact is, five months past D-Day and four months past NC-Day, I feel as if we finally crossed the final hurdle that was preventing us from real recovery a week ago when I found and my wife destroyed the last two photos of OM she was carrying around with her on her phone.

I don't want to plunge into the problems in my marriage in your thread, but realize you're looking at something like a two-year journey back to trust and love again, and it takes a lot of work.

So remember, until the worst of the withdrawal symptoms subside, avoid the relationship talk. Then Dr. Harley has a recommended course that you could try out together:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_courses.html

The only way I convinced my wife to work with me on a course for marital recovery was by demonstrating that I "owned" the things I'd done that contributed to the start of the affair. She needed to know that it would not be all about the horrible things she did to our marriage; she needed to know that I truly believed I was 50% responsible for the condition of the marriage prior to her affair.

Guilt for the affair, of course, is all hers. But without that commitment from me, she wasn't willing to believe that I was sincere in wanting to recover our marriage.

While I agree with the sentiment, you are POWERLESS to change your wife except through negotiation or setting your own personal boundaries. You can't change her. She can only change herself.

The "she needs to do X" statements won't do much good if you raise those kinds of expectations. Love her through this trauma, show her what a great husband you can be even while she's continuing the abuse by heaping her grief on top of everything else. But set some healthy limits for yourself, including a time limit for how long you're willing to give without receiving (basically, a continuation of Plan A).

If those limits are "I cannot be in the same room with you while you are crying over the other man", then so be it.

If they are "I can emotionally handle her grief over OM for X weeks", then so be it.

But Dr. Harley's program suggests you try to be with her during her withdrawal. What's the other option... separate? What would that accomplish if your goal is marital recovery and not divorce?

So set some healthy boundaries for yourself, but don't try to set them on her. It won't work, and will lead to massive frustration all around. Speaking from experience.

All that said, a statement that you expect your spouse to pull her own weight in recovery is warranted after the worst symptoms of withdrawal have subsided and you're getting started. It was me being emotionally honest with my wife and letting her know I was reaching the end of strength in trying to pull recovery together by myself that led to her stepping up her efforts. Not enough, not entirely in ways that I wanted, but I'm seeing more effort from her than I've seen in years... and I try to reward it.

Shawn, has she ended all contact with the OM? I am unclear on what your MIL is suggesting here. Is she suggesting that the solution is to CONTACT the OM? Because every contact will put her back to Day 1 of withdrawal.

Has ALL contact ended? Is she triggered by him in ANY WAY?

I agree with Pep's suggestion to take her hand and go for a walk. Learning to turn to you is the best solution and will make her withdrawal much easier.

Justice and fairness are an integral part of any good marriage, IMO. Without them, the balance of power is distorted and resentment builds.
I like the ideas of having her confine her grieving to private places. I think she needs to express remorse for hurting you way more than she needs you to witness her grief. She has incurred a large debt.

Dr. Harley addresses Just Compensation in this article:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Just Compensation from the Wayward Spouse comes in the form of never contacting the lover again, implementing extraordinary precautions, expressing remorse, meeting the Betrayed Spouse's emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters, never having another affair, and living the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage.


Interesting thought... if you're following the Policy of Radical Honesty, does that mean a wayward spouse should be radically honest about their emotions toward the lover?

Yes. it takes a good plan. But, IMO, the most important factor is the WS's willingness to accept full responsibility for the cheating,as well as her share of the responsibility for Pre-A issues, and to be completely honest and transparent. Restitution of some kind is also key, IMO, as it dissipates resentment.
The debt for restitution may increrase, if the WS continues to damage the Bs by expressing grief over loss of the affair partner. More damage is done that will need repairing. A WS needs to be cogniant of inflicting further damage after the cheating has stopped.

Shawn, I am concerned about her contact with this boy. Has all contact ended? What about her workplace? Her workplace has been the environment that fostered this affair. She met the boy at work and her job at the bar has taken valuable time away from your marriage. You already know that she is vulnerable to an affair while in that environment.

In order to recover your marriage, she has to leave that job.

Have you told your kids the truth about what is happening? Because if you don't, they will imagine the worst and you will be leaving them wide open to your WW's spin.

Zelmo, you are correct, but your timing is OFF. This is an alcoholic who has just gone 3 days without a drink. She is shaking wildly and is in no position to be "sensitive" to the needs of anyone right now. Her mind is not right enough to be able to offer restitution at this time. She has to get through the shakes first.

Yes. it takes a good plan AND IT WILL TAKE TIME. But, IMO, the most important factor is the WS's willingness to accept full responsibility for the cheating, IN TIME AND STEP BY STEP,as well as her share of the responsibility for Pre-A issues, IN TIME AND STEP BY STEP and to be completely honest and transparent IN TIME AND STEP BY STEP Restitution of some kind is also key, IMO, as it dissipates resentment.


The debt for restitution may increrase, IF the WS continues to damage the Bs by expressing grief over loss of the affair partner. BUT IT TAKES TIME AND THIS HAS JUST BEGUN. More damage is done that will need repairing. A WS needs to be cogniant of inflicting further damage after the cheating has stopped ONCE THEY ARE CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT.

Z ~

Have you ever been around a newly sober alcoholic? I sure as hell have. It's awful. It takes time for the effects of their STINKIN' THINKIN' to wear off.
This has just begun for this couple.

Ha Ha

Mel and I posted the same thing

As far as showing her grief in front of her spouse, I would have a huge problem with that personally. That would be a HUGE LOVEBUSTER to me as a BS. I know I could not tolerate that myself. I think Pep's suggestion to go for a walk is the best, if you can stand watching it. I COULD NOT.

yep! I originally posted that I would shoot his [censored] but thought better of it. My H would not survive showing such "grief" in my presence, let me put it thataway!

In fact , Pepper, I have extensive expierience with alcoholism. My dad, a Harvard educated lawyer, decided to keep track of the number of drinks he consumed each day, toward the end of his drinking. The least amount he ever consumed was 32 shots a day, most followed by beer chasers. He finally stopped drinking shortly after he backhanded me, once again, across the mouth one night, and I punched his lights out at age 15(I'd been waiting for that day for a long time. Finally my physicality had reached a point where I could do it). A little payback for his breaking my little brother's thumb, as well.

I have little patience for alcoholics, as the result.
It took a while for my Dad to become a good guy after he stopped drinking. But, if he ever came to me and began grieving over his desire to have a drink again, I might have kicked his [censored] further. Let him save that crap for AA, where he could smoke and drink coffeewith [censored] Van Dyke and Jonathan Winters in his group every night while my mom subsidized his recovery by watching 6 kids alone at night, as she did for the years he drank

You're in So Cal too?