My in-laws had their family Christmas gathering over the weekend. I did not attend � part of Plan B, as they were expecting my wife to come. A brother in law told me today she did not, and she did not contact anyone about it. She does not initiate contact anyone in her family; she has been a no-show for the one-on-one meetings that some of them have tried to arrange with her. She also does not initiate contact with anyone in our circle of friends or my family. She does continue to work, but she appears to have discontinued participating in the hobby-related groups she was involved with. She only took a few clothes with her when she moved out � I would estimate 95% of her �stuff� is still in our home.

She has stated to family that her affair partner claims he is transgendered (I have heard that from him and his former girlfriend, not just my wife), and is supposedly going ahead with the male to female transition. She has stated to family that she will stay his friend if and when that happens. She also stated the place they are living is dirty, smelly, has no working appliances, and he does not keep it heated above 50 degrees � but she doesn�t care.

Several of her family members are medical professionals, and they are of the opinion that this behavior is symptomatic of a physiological disorder causing mental illness � not just the fog of an affair, and are considering an �intervention�. If there is a medical basis, I would support such an action, but could not actively participate. I know that the fog can be very deep, but the family thinks that the total abandonment of her �previous� life is more than that.

I welcome comments, suggestions, etc., especially if you know of situations where there was a medical condition / mental illness involved.

If you are in Plan B, why are you being given information such as this?

It sounds like she is mentally ill to me.

YES, I agree. You should not talk about, hear about....solicit info about you WS. I just got off the phone with my son. We did not even mention my H and it is his b.day today.
I facebook my IL but I never mention H. If someone reports about him I politely say I m not interested in what he is doing as long as he is with OW.
What do you care about her and her mental problem...It is not up to you to solve it for her. It is up to you to take care of you and live your life not your wife's.
blessing

Agree with others that you should prevent this information from filtering back to you as much as you can.

That said, I've argued in the past that waywardism IS a mental illness, simply because the symptoms are so consistent across the board and what they do is really whacked. I'm convinced some day, someone will discover a virus that causes it.

Her family feels that her condition is serious enough that she may be in danger and they wanted to contact me about it. It is not a problem for me.

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with them having an intervention - it's actually one of the things you hope for during exposure. Since you are in Plan B, I would stay out of it.

I agree Tabby, what we are seeing on this forum is a consistent behavior from the part of the WS. They seem to be cookie cutter people. Therefore there must be a common denominator here that should solve the puzzle.
But ultimately, even if we found the magic pill, it would be up to the WS to swallow it. We can't make them
Blessing

H
Yes, it is a big problem for you.
blessing

It doesn't sound like mental illness to me. It sounds like SOP of all waywards. Your wife is the RULE, rather than the exception. Waywards DO abandon their former life and become what we call "ALIENS." Their own families don't even recognize them. Waywards almost always mimic the behavior of the mentally ill so I don't see why this would be any different.

My suggestion to you would be to stick to your Plan B and stop listening to various diagnosis's of your wife. All the diagnosis in the world will not change her against her will. She is just a very, very TYPICAL WW, I assure you.

When a person is being BAD, they will naturally avoid their family because they don't want to look them in the face. Alcoholics and addicts do the same thing when they are practicing.

So if someone you loved had a medical issue they could not resolve by themselves, you would just leave them with the problem? I'm not saying that is the case here, but if it was, that doesn't seem to be an appropriate response. I'm not talking about someone who's just made a choice to do something different - I'm talking about something that is caused by a physiological problem.

Politely inform her family that for your own mental health you request they not discuss WW with you.

Do you have an IM?

As Melody said, your W behavior is typical of a WS. You cannot resolve your W problem. Her family who is composed of MDs might, and it is fine if they want to engage into helping her. But how could you?
blessing

You are allowing yourself to be sucked into affair drama. Plan B done correctly prevents you from being sucked back in.

If her family chooses an intervention, more power to them. It'll be a hack into her fantasy fog.

BUT...that is not your problem, and since you are in Plan B, you SHOULD KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT.

Your WW sounds no more mentally ill than every other WS.

True as that may be, if it were recognized as a disease, perhaps society would take it more seriously and do away with no-fault divorces and such.

I agree with the advice to keep plan B dark. I DO have a mental illness - bipolar disorder. But I did not have an affair because I "couldn't help it." I had an affair because I hardened my heart, became horrifically selfish, and cared more about some shallow pleasure than I did about the people I was supposed to love.

I am a different person now, and yes, treating my disease makes a difference. But being wayward was a choice, not a symptom. Even ill people need to take responsiility for their actions.

As I mentioned in my first post, I would not participate in an intervention. If they choose to do it, maybe some good will come of it.

I'm not letting this suck me into affair drama.

Well said Luri.
Tell me more about your hardened heart. This is what I never understood about my H.
Today in IC I told my IC the episode when I came home bleeding this summer from a bike fall. H saw me bleed but did not say a word. Never even asked me about it. Never. I am sure he would have for a total stranger in the street.
IC told me that H basically hated me for preventing him to be with OW (even if I did not know then he had one) and that he might have even been happy I got hurt.
Is that what a hardened heart is?
blessing

How will you respond to her family when they want to give you details about when/where the intervention will be or what the result of the intervention was?

Will you tell them that it is best for you to not be informed?

An important part of Plan B is not indulging yourself in thinking about the WS. When people are informing you about her, it becomes impossible to keep yourself from thinking about her.