I recently went for coffee with a fellow from my divorce care group and was encouraging him to have a look at marriage builders forum. I was telling him how great I thought the concepts were and he could employ the principles such as no contact / Plan A / Plan B etc....

His wife is currently living part time with the OM (about 4 days a week) and they are separated. He then tells me he is pulling one over on the OM. He says he is having an affair with his wife. She comes over 2 - 3 times per week for SF. He says he feels like he is sticking it to the OM and he is getting his needs SF needs met without all the hassles of having to live together. He tells me she is getting disillusioned with the adulterous relationship and the OM is not giving her enough attention, affirmation, and SF. I presume he is meeting some other needs but....

And I think he feels the affair will eventually peter out and he will have to make a decision whether or not he will take her back or not. In the mean time he does not mind living the way he is. According to him he thinks it is causing stress in the relationship with his wife and the OM as she has told him she feels split and torn and does not know what to do.

I was flabbergasted. I did not know what to say to him after that. I just listened in amazement.

So guys what do you say in a situation like that? All I did was say "Wow, I have not heard about that approach being successful or recommended".

These people have no morals. If they do not how can you drill them into them. I guess they will have to see what life has in stock for them. This is certainly a way to deal with this....but not for me. If it works for some...well it is their life.
I would not tell him anything. It is their conscience.
blessing

I would say "WATCH OUT FOR DISEASES!"

I would say good luck to him. He seems to have turned an awful event into a positive experience for himself. I'm not sure if he might be kidding himself, though, and it might catch up with him emotionally.

Oh yes! Boy...what a creative approach. Really everything goes when you do not use the only thing that distinguishes us from a dog....our brains!
But even a dog might question this situation...some dogs I met are really smarter than these people!
blessing

dont discount the jealosy card to break up an affair - especially to cake eaters.

Same thing happened with friend of mine. The OM and his wife were 15 yrs younger with no children. OM and his WW were in an affair for 6 mos when he decided to expose to OMW. OMW became a close friend during the ordeal and the next thing - they become an item. But wait - it gets more complicated.

Eventually OM and WW get wind of it and OM is going absolutely nuts with jealosy and WW tries to reconcile the marriage. Friend wants nothing to do with his wife. Proceeds with divorce - their kids are older and out of the house.

OMW fell head over heels in love with friend and gets pregnant. This is her first child.

Anyway the latest I heard is that the BH/BW are happily married and the OM lost his job, his home, and now his wife. The WW has a RO against her because she keeps wanting to get back.

Friend actually admitted that he first hooked up with OMW was strictly for revenge on OM and apparently the samething for OMW.

Just to be clear this guy is not seeing the other mans wife he is seeing his own WW.

Tell BH no problem just wait till his WW gets a STD, and or the OM gets 'er done and knocks up WW.

What he is doing is training her to be an abuser by behaving like a doormat. He is not causing problems in the affair, HE IS PROPPING IT UP. She is getting her needs met in TWO places, so she would be crazy to give up this arrangment. He is ENABLING HER AFFAIR by meeting needs the OM can't meet. The longer he does this, the longer she is protected from knowing the OM can't possibly meet all her needs.

BCBoy, go get him the book His Needs, Her Needs and point him to the chapter on Infidelity.[also get him Surviving an Affair] What is happening here is that the OM meets 1-2 top needs and her BS meets 3-4 minor needs. She doesn't know that the OM can't meet those other needs and won't know because her silly husband is PROPPING up the affair.

If your friend went into Plan B, the OM would be expected to meet all her needs. And he wouldn't be able to, because he doesn't know how and doesn't really care about the WW. This would cause great conflict in the affair which would lead to its death. And we know the OM can't meet all her needs or she wouldn't be keeping your friend on the side. With your friend GONE, she would be comparing the OM to him and the OM will always come up short. He can't really compete because he has no history with the WW. Plan B is likely to yank his WW off the fence. His plan keeps her on the fence indefinitely.

Your friend could strike a major blow to the affair if he went into plan B now. NOW is a fabulous time to do this because it is just before Christmas and a time she will miss her family the most.

If i were in his shoes, I would send her a Plan B letter and then expose her affair to everyone. Such a plan is the most likely to save his marriage. His PLAN is the most likely to prop up the affair and keep it going much longer.

Well she is still his wife isn't she. If he is willing to risk getting an STD that is his call. It will only cause conflict in the affair if OM knows about it.

However I agree that Plan B right now would be a better response.

BCBoy, I hope you print out my post and send your friend here. He needs a PLAN and we can help him. His "plan" only serves to prop up the status quo, our plan will help him ruin the affair.

I agree with what you are saying here. However I was getting the impression he may be OK with the arrangement as long as he was getting SF and a few other benefits. I told him about Plan B and that he is enabling the affair. I began getting the impression he might be OK with it as long as she continues to see him for SF and I think she is doing some cooking for him too.

As I say I thought I heard it all. I thought he would want to get all of his relationship back but I am thinking he might be willing to keep the status quo and I am beginning to wonder who is cake eating. It just gets too weird for me. I still believe in one man one wife and monogamy and this is the first time I have ever come face to face with the possibility of someone thinking that it might be OK to share his WW. Go figure.

I am planning on having coffee with him later on this week and I am hoping to be a little better prepared. I think I kind of was shocked with his initial response.

I will continue to encourage him to check out this site.

Heck! I have been very tempted to do this with my WH!

I know he would be game.

But.....alas....I am keeping with the plan B spirit.

Just about an hour ago, my oldest said dad was home sick and lonely and wanted him to stop in and visit and I daydreamed of showing up at the bachelor pad for some TLC (wink, wink, wink)

He IS my hubby YK....but I am not going to start this. I have thought of it, daydream about it, but won't do it.

Sigh.

ML
OK so I wasn't the only one that ran out of answers. I was hopeful. However this may also be some misplaced Bravado to make it look like he is macho and nothing bothers him and he can handle anything and make it look like he is in control.

I think you may be dead right!

So then maybe the approach should be to try and get him to recognize the pain and to acknowledge how crappy it is to have to be going through this and that he is not the only one who has had to face this situation, but if he has any desire to try and restore or recover his marriage he needs to come here and learn.

However it was interesting to experience this sort of thinking. After reflecting on it through this forum I think it has given me a potential approach.

But this issue has brought to light an interesting question. I wonder how many others do the same thing as this guy is doing? As long as the top couple of needs are being me they settle.
Or is it possible they think it is a workable arrangement. I can't understand it, but maybe it is the only way they can cope?

Well, BC I HAVE heard this one. Actually this is exactly what my parents are doing. Yes, that's right, my PARENTS. You see my Mom left my Dad for an POSOM about 16 months ago. She moved in with POSOM and he is a loser.

I feel bad because I tolerated POSOM all of this time because my kids adore my mom. About a month ago however they started calling him Grandpa POSOM. That was a bad moment for me.

Anyways back to my parents. So my Dad started talking to my Mom on her cell phone (the same phone POSOM had contacted her on when she was living with my Dad) everyday. After a while he started to go to my sister's every Saturday because my Mom watches my nieces. Then when POSOM goes to work (he is a karaoke DJ) my Mom and Dad would go out for dinner. Every day my Mom and Dad meet at a local park where she walks her dog.

POSOM got suspicious and about 3 months ago he followed my Mom and caught her with my Dad. As far as I know they have a purely platonic relationship.

My Dad is always asking my Mom when she is coming home to be with him. I told him that she is the perfect example of cake-eating. It is hard to see my Dad go through this because it does affect him. The whole sitch hurts him everyday. I knew for sure I didn't want this and that made it easier for me when I went in to my own Dark Plan B.

Scotland
I can only imagine the pain your Dad is feeling. I am beginning to understand from a number of the men I have talked to that we find it difficult if our spouse leaves. I am trying to break the mold of not networking, (I have been learning some things I see the ladies doing well.)I am trying to network more and get the guys talking about what is happening in their lives. Interesting what you hear and how they are handling their situation.

Any way back to the original point , OK so then maybe this happens more than I thought and this guy is just honest enough to admit it.