I'm sure this is a huge topic when it comes to affairs, not being sure what to do. Please bare with me as this is a rather lengthy story and begins at the beginning of my marriage.

My husband and I got married in September 2005. We dated for a short time and jumped into the marriage scene because he was deploying for Iraq. It's more common that this kind of situation happens, than some may think. In February of 2006 my husband returned home for a two week leave, or rather short vacation, because his Mother was sick. During this time, I discovered that my husband was having an internet affair, this was just a few days short of him returning to Iraq. When he did return to Iraq, he told me he wanted a divorce. It was not easy to handle, of course, but I also discovered I was pregnant. Our first child, is his and was not the result of an affair. We stayed together.

Since he returned home permenantly from Iraq, I had caught him four other times having internet affairs. During this time span, we had our second daughter, he left the military and we moved close to family. Once we returned to my home state, I fell into a bit of a depression. I wanted to sleep all the time, didn't want to talk, etc. I also did not seek help, in which now, looking back, I wish I did. I eventually started to self medicate, I went out with friends every weekend and enjoyed myself. Basically living a psuedo single life without the extra benefits of truly being single. Eventually I did meet someone and to my surprise my husband had started seeking other women as well because I was not emotionally or physically there for him any longer. The man I started seeing, I did not start seeing exclusively or intimately until after my husband told me about his other woman that was not just on the internet but also physical as well. He and I both agreed for a divorce.

In November 2009 I found out I was pregnant. This was after seeing the other man for two months. My husband and I are still living in the same household and truly have a very unhealthy enviroment. Our 'others' are aware of the situation. I am positive that this child is not my husbands as he and I have not slept together in three months now. This other man, while emotionally has made me happy and has provided what I lacked in my marriage for quite some time now, is also not a very stable man. He has not been able to hold a job and has relied on me financially for the majority of our relationship. He has three kids and is divorced. During our two month relationship, he has almost went to jail because of not paying his child support. I rescued him from that, much to my husband's dismay.

My husband and I began talking very recently because we apparently have both been having second thoughts about the divorce, despite that I am pregnant with another man's child. He is aware of this pregnancy and knows that it is not his. We have both been more honest with each other than we were our entire marriage since embarking on this rather large rock in our relationship. We both have discussed what we believe we need to do to possibly make this work. One being marriage counseling, the second being moving away from this area entirely. There are a lot of triggers for both of us here that he and I both agree we need to be away from if we want to try and work through our problems, regain trust and build a stronger relationship.

He and I also both realize that marrying as quick as we did was possibly not the right decision and very well could have been based more on lust than true love. We also realize that we have both made some rather large mistakes from the very beginning that has brought us to this point.

The situation and what I am having a problem deciding is do I stay and work things through with my husband?

If I make it work with my husband, how do I get past the guilt of having a child that is not his? Do I let my husband step in and be 'Dad' to this child, like he says that he will? Or do I let the other man be in this childs life?

I'm trying to think of what is best for my two children that I have with my husband, for this child and all around. I realize that no decision that is made is going to be easy and it is going to be a rocky path and a lot of hard work. I'm looking for some guidance as to figure out which road here is possibly the best to take as I can not figure it out for myself. My gut says to stay with my husband but my mind is littered with guilt, resent, and remorse for my children, this child, the other man, and my husband.

Dazed. First let me say that I am pretty new on here and I really am not sure I'm the best to give advice.

My situation is similar to yours in many ways; maybe minus the leap into a physical affair on my part and the pregnency. But the Iraq part and I think my husband met someone on the net too, well that's the same.

Just from my heart, I'd say to give your marriage all you've got!
It seems you have more of a chance than I; my husband already left and filed divorce papers.

I think it's great that you are considering working it out with your husband. Have you read all the info on the site?

Dazed, at this point, I do not think you are ready to be married. Your H does not sound like he is ready yet, either. You two do not seem to have the problem solving and coping skills needed for a committed relationship.
Parenting requires these skills, as well. Have you considered adoption as an option?

Hey Expects A Miracle. I'm sorry you are going through a similar situation. It definitely is not easy.

I have been reading through quite a bit of the information on this site. Not just the discussions but also the articles as well.

I have a lot of fears when it comes to making the ultimate decision. Such as, if we try at this, are we going to just fail and hurt each other more? Will my husband and I truly be happy or is seperating the best decision? Should I stay with OM (starting to pick up on the lingo) and see where it goes? As I do care about the other man in my life and I know he cares for me (much more I believe than I do for him) but with him there is no security or comfort etc. that I find with my husband. My husband and I have not become intimate together again, yet, and I'm scared about that too as I'm nervous about what he'll be thinking, myself, and if I could bring myself to do it knowing we both have been with other people.

I feel very much like an emotional wreck over all of this, especially knowing that someone in the end will get hurt. I want what is best for the children involved in this situation.

Zelmo - I've considered my options when it concerns my pregnancy. I would not personally beable to handle abortion or adoption. I believe that there are people strong enough to do it, obviously, I'm not strong enough for either emotionally. I have two children already who are healthy and well taken care of. I don't doubt that I won't be able to take care of this child like I do my two daughter's. That isn't a concern for me.

While my husband and I might not be ready for marriage, we already made the plunge over four years ago and now it's either we try to fix it or we try to come to terms that it is the end.

Well, then might I suggest individual therapy to explore why you two resort to cheating vs healthy problem solving? MC is fine, but, surely with this type of promiscuity, you must realize you have a problem. Was there abuse in your past?

It never fails to amaze me when a WS sames dam! There's an OC on the way.

Don't people know where kids come from?

Cabbage patch, parcel post, the zoo?

Are the instructions on the "rain coat" box to hard to comprehend?

Rant over.

Can your marriage be saved yes.

Can you and your WH/BH go NC with your OP's?

Does the OM know that you are pregnant?

Are you willing to exclude OM from OC's life? (Hint the answer needs to be yes.)

BH have been able to raise the OC as their own.

It would be best for you if the family stay's intack, WH/BH, COM, OC have NC from the OM forever.

You can't have NC for all then most likely your marriage and family is doomed.

Zelmo - We are both looking into therapy, specifically marriage counseling and we can explore individual therapy if needed. My husband already is involved in individual therapy as he has PTSD from when he was in Iraq. I have a history of abuse however not from my husband.

The Road - I understand your rant and this could have been prevented if my husband and I neither decided to resort to other people. I was on birth control and condems were used but obviously it's not as affective as we would all like it to be.

My husband already ended things with his OW however they are not completely out of contact yet. He agreed to no contact with her soon. I'm not out of contact with my OP however am willing to do so. My OM is aware that I am pregnant and if he doesn't want to be involved in this childs life, I'm not going to fight it. If it means my husband and I able to work through things and get through this, that is fine. However, I'm not sure if I can just take off with this baby and the OM can do anything about it? Can it be up to me if he is involved in this child's life or not??

I'm in the slow process of ending things with OM. He has noticed lately that something is up and has become a bit more controlling and possessive. My husband and I both agreed that I should begin distancing myself and in a week or twos time to finally end things once and for all. Were hoping to escape any violent outbursts or situations that could be a danger to any of us involved. I truly got myself in a pickle with this OM.

I do know that if the OM wants to be involved with the child he will have to get a paternity test. Then the judge may order visitation. He would also have to pay child support. I don't know where you live and the laws do differ a bit, but generally that is it. Maybe you could ask him to sign his rights over to your husband. I think you should make it clear to him first though that you will never be with him; if that is what you decide, because he may be less willing to do that if he thinks he has a chance with you.

Like I said I'm not the best with advice, I'm new here, but I do know the paternity/child support process, and I do believe he would have rights; unless he signed them over to your husband.

Just so you know; and because you said he isn't very financially secure, in most states the judges will still award support. And in most states, if he does not pay he will first lose his drivers liscence, they will garnish his wages, taxes, or any other income, and finally it's usully jail until an arrearage judgement is made and he pays. That may give you leverage if you decide to ask him to sign rights over.

Yes, because in most states, your H is the PRESUMED father in the eyes of the law. Best case scenario for your marriage is that OM signs his rights over. The judge would look at the best interest of the child. You two need to both get your acts together, if only for the sake of your children-- OC and COM. There's way too much drama going on and your children have only you guys to look to for protection and guidance. Don't screw up their lives by continuing to screw up yours.

"I'm in the slow process of ending things with OM. He has noticed lately that something is up and has become a bit more controlling and possessive. My husband and I both agreed that I should begin distancing myself and in a week or twos time to finally end things once and for all. Were hoping to escape any violent outbursts or situations that could be a danger to any of us involved."

STOPPING an AFFAIR is not a slow process.

You and your WH/BH need to send NC letters to your respective OP's tonight. Simply state that your behavior, a married person having an affair is wrong an you must maintain NC, no contact with the OP forever. You are recommitting to your spouse and marriage.

You can also include that you will get a RO if the OM tries to break NC.

Then if the OM does so the you expose his wife/GF and get the RO.

Do you live near or work with OM?

the answer is yes because, as princessmeggy stated, the child is considered of COM until otherwise proven. In alot of states your husband has to question it and they won't even hear from the OM's side even if he filed for paternity. So if you wanted to you can just make him disappear out of your and the OC's life forever.

Also as to OM getting or sharing custody. This varies from state to state. The OM is going to have to lawyer up and go court to get custody/visitation.

If the OM wants to do this then you can point out he will have to pay CS. Many an OM run for the hills because they do not want to pay CS.

It's not automatic and in many states being that you are married and living with your H the courts will not allow OM near the OC.

The OM can not force you to do anything including a DNA test. The courts can. But the courts won't unless OM hires a lawyer and files. When the lawyer points out that when proven he is the dad then the courts will come after him for CS.

I would not even tell the OM you are pregnant. Just say goodbye and leave.

Leave today and go NC.

Dazed, do you realise that there is a "Pregnancy/child" forum on this board? If you read the threads there you will see how posters have dealt with the contact issue. They discuss whether they are glad they took their path, and how they might do things differently if they could.

There is a thread by Pepperband entitled First and Foremost! on which many different people have posted their stories. It is essential reading.

Dr Harley has written on this issue very recently, and his advice is that there must be NC with OM if the marriage is to survive.

As TheRoad says, NC must be instant. You must not try and do it slowly.

Dazed: I have been where you are now. I know it may seem as though no one could possibly ever understand such a crazy situation, but you are not alone.

I agree that NC is essential if you want to save your M. I dragged out going NC with the OM and it really hampered the R of my M. I too thought I didn't have the right to exclude the OM from our OC's life, but staying in contact just wasn't working. My OC is now 15 months old. We have been NC with the OM since September, and this has really allowed my H and I to move forward in recovering our M in a way that we were not able to do before. In our case, the OM decided that he could not be a part of our OC's life. My H and I are raising our OC together along with our COM's. I really believe this is the best case scenario in a situation that involves an OC and COM's. My H considers our little girl to be his own daughter. His name is on the birth certificate and he is recognized as her legal father.

It isn't an easy road to travel, but it can be done. The first step on your road to recovery is to have your H compose a NC letter to his OW and for you to write a NC letter to the OM. This is not a process that should be approached slowly or dragged out. I made that mistake, and I wish very much that we had decided on NC from the very beginning.

Wow. A lot of response since I last checked. I'll try and answer all the questions posed as well as give an update.

Many of you suggested ending this relationship now, with the OM (and in my husbands case the OW). Ironically, my relationship with the OM ended just shortly a few hours ago. With no need of a letter. What I suspected, him becoming irrate and outraged did happen. I handled it in as calm of a manner as I possibly could. He called, and I assume he knew something was wrong, and I began to explain that my marriage is important to me. That while my husband and I have done a lot of wrong throughout our marriage, it is not too late to try and make things right. The OM is aware of my pregnancy, I told him the same day I told my husband. However, during the arguement I went through with OM, the baby was not mentioned on his part once.

I highly doubt, considering his financial situation he will seek a lawyer and file for a DNA test. He's not financially capable of it, at least not at this time. And I know that if CS is mentioned, there is a very high chance he will back down. He has a hard enough time paying child support to his previous wife for his three children he already has. I also looked up the laws of the current state I am living in as well as the state my husband and I are looking into moving to. Both states the child is presumed my husband's unless proven otherwise and as of right now, neither my husband nor I are going to seek proving otherwise ourselves.

My husband 'broke up' with his OW about two weeks ago. Today he told me the last contact they have had was three days ago. I referred him to this site today as I have found the articles and discussions to be EXTREMELY helpful. We are going to be ordering the at home study sessions to use as a tool to begin recovering from this.

The OM does not have a wife or girlfriend but I am fully prepared to get a RO if I need to. I'm rather nervous about how he is going to continue to handle this and I highly doubt that tonight will be the last time he gets in contact with me. I've gone through what contact information I will personally need to change if I need to as I doubt he will respect that my husband and I wish to give our marriage another shot.

My husband has said that it is going to take him sometime to adjust to the idea of another child, specifically one that is considered the OC. However, he believes that he will be able to become excited about this pregnancy and grow to love this child as I do, already. He and I both know, that this child and all children involved in this, are innocent and that has been a point that has been made from the very beginning.

I'm not nervous about running into the OM, it's a very unlikely chance. I know the areas that he frequents and can avoid them as I never went there myself until him and do not have any ties to any of those places. I do not work, I am a stay at home Mother plus student. I go to college online so the possibility of running into him in class is not possible either. The only way I would possibly run into the OM, is if he were to show up at my home, etc. It is also a big reason my husband and I have both agreed that relocating would be a good step toward us rekindling our marriage and growing back together. In the area we live, we both have a lot of triggers that might not be avoidable at times and could take us many steps back from recovery.

Dazed, you sound bright and are articulate. How the F did this type of Jerry Springer deal come about? I am sorry, but , truly, it sounds like a situation one would find among products of inbreeding.

Zelmo, I'm really not sure how we got ourselves into such a situation. I know my H and I were both unhappy and neither of us talked to each other about it. During this time, since the day the my husband and I agreed to a divorce up till now we have both been brutually honest with each other, even with things that we knew would hurt the other. I think we both strayed because trust had been broken so early in our marriage and we couldn't seem to gain it back. I know personally that as soon as I would begin to trust my husband again, he would begin another internet affair. I never understood exactly why he did it and I don't think he does himself, yet. I do know that I found what I lacked from my husband in the OM. Emotional support. I felt like I could talk. I told my husband this. We've also gone through the list of things that have annoyed one another and through a ton of other lists about things we both think need to change and/or compromise on. It's still definitely a long road and I know were both going to butt heads over the next few years as we try and come back from all of this.

Last night, I felt extremely excited about ending things with OM. Laying in bed and waking up this morning I feel a bit sad, perhaps it is more guilt than anything. I'm not sure how to get past this feeling I'm having. Knowing that I'll be keeping his biological child from him. I keep telling myself when I have doubts that this is the best thing. I get the feeling that I'm going to be struggling with this for awhile?!

Yeah, but how the heck did you pick this particular type of OM. Isn't he potentially violent and with a poor track record?
I'm not saying that any type of cheating is right. And, by definition, any man who would have sex with a mrried woman is deeply flawed. But, you seem to have really found a big time bottom feeder.
That is why I asked you about abuse. Children that have been abuse seek out the types of people you have.
I know some folks here think IC is a waste of time. It may be , as regards addressing the infidelity itself. But, there must be some explanation for seeking out this type of man for a relationship.

Dazed: Yes, you will be dealing with this guilt and sadness for a long time. It is normal to experience a period of withdrawal after the end of an A, and an OC seems to lengthen and intensify these feelings because there is a constant reminder of the affair partner (AP). And, when an OC is involved, you have the added burden of feeling guilty about keeping the AP out of the OC's life. I said before, this is a long road, and the presence of an OC makes it even longer, but it does get better with time. It took a couple of months after I went completely NC with the OM for that guilt to begin to subside, but I do think I did the right thing for everyone involved. If you truly want your M to succeed, NC is essential.

It is best for both the COM and the OC to grow up in an intact home, with two parents who love and care for them. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work for you and your H to reach that point, but you can do it if you both put everything that you have into the process.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? If not, you should order it and read it together with your H. Also, you might want to direct him to this site. There's a lot of good information on here in the forum and in Dr. Harley's articles.