For the most part my marriage is going good and getting better. Trust is still an issue for me, but H has never given me any reason to doubt him for almost two years.<P>I see so many stories on here though, about people who had an affair years ago, then came back to their marriage, only to have another affair 5, 10, 15 years later. That concerns me and it is a real insecurity that I have. When H tells me he'd never cheat again, all I can think is "Yea, what about in 5 or 10 years from now when we go back into a slump or someone so wonderful comes along."<P>To the point, my question is people like Bozo's_Deb (I know there are others and I want to hear from you too) After your H leaves you for years to live with OW and then decides he wanted the marriage back, do you think he cheated again because you didn't do enough work the first time and deal with things the right way (whatever that may be)? Was it preventable? Or what happended to make them go back and do it again? Why didn't they learn the lesson the first time?<P>I've read so many stories where there were "minor" affairs in the beginning of the marriage and then "major" afairs after being married quite some time. I am afraid that I've gone through the minor affair and am just "looking forward" to the major affair after I've spent 20 years with this man.<P>This is a big stumbeling block for me so any insight would be so great!<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Shoni,<P>Not that I have any actual experience, but I think that if you don't actively work at solving the root of the marital problems, and establish good marital behavior, you're going to be at risk in the future.<P>Simply put, if you and your husband commit to following the "Four Rules", and you see demonstratable behavior that indicates its working, I think you can rest easier.

Hi Shoni,<P>I agree with K. I had an affair 10 years ago. We never worked on any problems we might have had that caused me to have the affair. We never analyzed anything. We just swept it under the rug like it wasn't there, eager to get it as far away from us as possible. Now I've had a second affair and I believe the reason is because we never confronted what was wrong before. I never felt I regained any feelings of love for my wife, so I was ripe for another affair. <P>If we had worked honestly after that first time, maybe things would be vastly different today. Or maybe at least we would have gone our separate ways before we had a child. Either way, it would've prevented the gigantic amount of pain we are both feeling right now.<P>Just keep up your work. Keep practicing those all important good marriage behaviors. You may never gain back trust 100% and nothing is a sure thing, but you can at least make your marriage as affair-proof as you can.<P>--airheart<P>

GREAT question Shoni,<P>I have no answers only the same insecurities as you. I was raised with the thought that if a person cheats once...the next time it will be even easier for them to do it again. (Please don't flame me...that's just how I used to think.) Now I know that there are lots of people who have an affair and then recommit and have wonderful marriages. But as hard as I try that thought is still in the back of my mind.<P>Thanks for asking the question and I look forward to the responses.

Shoni-<BR>Although H and I never separated, I think I fall into the category of multiple affair survivor(?). K is right,"if you don't actively work at solving the root of the marital problems, and establish good marital behavior, you're going to be at risk in the future."<P>I never knew of first affair until he confessed after discovery of 2nd, so never knew what to work on...he was, therefore, vulnerable to another affair. After my first discovery, I was the one who essentially did all of the work. I did my best to give him what he needed based on what he described, but he did not reciprocate. He is a conflict-avoider, so we almost never resolve anything as he usually "says what I want to hear" We fix the WRONG problems. In addition, he readily refuses accountability which further directs us AWAY from the "real" problem (or at least his part in it) and is torture on my trust. So, in hindsight, I can see why he had yet another affair.<P>I understand your concern w/the future and it is probably somewhat typical in this situation. I can't think of anyone who has gone through this that has emerged w/that same "blind" pre-affair trust. But as you know, marriages can survive this if both are committed to rebuilding and fix the "right" problems.<P>I still believe in marriage and the ability to survive infidelity, I just question if my OWN marriage can. At this point, I believe that my H has some personal baggage that he won't deal with and I just can't continue to tolerate...but that's just me. (It takes one person to save a marriage, it takes two to keep it) You, however, are 2 years past discovery and he has given you no reason to question him. Don't worry too much about the future. Remember, we have no control over other people, only ourselves. Do your best to work on today to prevent vulnerability in the future. <P>Good Luck and God Bless!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited August 18, 1999).]

hi shoni, i have to agree with K that marriages need constant attention to survive. But I think that we all run the risk of repeat behavior, regardless of how hard we work on the marriage. I think I have come to accept that if my h repeats this behavior, then this was not meant to be. I will take the risk to try to repair the marriage, but will not do it over again.<BR>I think once down this rocky road is plenty for me! I think he understands this. This goes along with the accountability/actions/consequence issues in WS's thread.<BR>Maybe we need to hold them very accountable the first time? There are no guarantees...in any case. No matter how hard we work at the marriage, one can fall off the wagon at any time.

i feel the same way. my h says was not my fault that i am perfect. it just happened. he knows he will never do again because the pain is too great but he does not know why it happened the first time. so how can he be so sure it wont happen again. i have always tried to keep or marriage fresh and exciting 13 years..so what can i do now....i am so lost and have nothing to hold on to ...i need some sort of security but have none.<P>------------------<BR>INLOVE.....<BR>LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS HOPING WE ALL HAVE ONE...<P>

Hi. Sad to say, I have lived your fear. My H had an affair 7 years ago, and I never knew about it. No reason to suspect anything as I trusted him totally. Now he has just had an emotional affair that has affected our lives hugely for 6 months. My advice is this: If I had known about his affair years ago, we might have sorted out our differences and prevented the second one happening. As I never knew, we never addressed the problems that caused it in the first place. This has made the 2nd affair worse, as my husband was desperate to make a life with the OW this time, not just have a fling, as he had been there before and didn't like the secrecy etc. Now we are dealing with our marital issues, but it would have been a hell of a lot easier, and much less painful if we could have dealt with them years ago. The 2nd affair may never have happened at all. So if you have any issues to deal with, do it, with help if you need to, in order to strengthen your relationship so it is "affair proof".

Shoni,<P>My Wife had an affair 10 years ago, 9 years into the marriage. It lasted about 3 months when I was away at school. After I got back, she told me she didn't love me or want to be married to me. I asked if she had an affair at the time and she said no. I didn't really have any reason to not believe her. I thought we worked throught the issues, but obviously I didn't know what they all were. She got pregnant about 7 months later (by me). I think this helped to smooth things over for her.<P>Now she has been gone 6 months with her 2nd affair (I pray no more than that!) I think since we never dealt with the real issues 9 years ago, they became a big problem for her again.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

I guess those of you who answered have given me what I am looking for. It there was no work done after the first affair, I can understand why a second could occur. I just don't want to put myself through all of this and do all this work, just to have it happen again. And especially if it was worse the second time. I am having a hard time dealing with the first and it is not near as bad as what some of you have gone through.<P>I know there are no gaurantees of it never happening again, and that scares me. I really wish I could still have the blind trust and security that I once had, but I guess I had to give that up in order to create a better marriage. (sucks that it works that way! )<P>Thanks for you replies. If anyone else has experienced this, I would love to hear what you think went wrong. I guess by looking at what happened in other marriages, I can TRY to prevent it in my own.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>