My wife and I have always had heart to share or home with people that needed help. Over a year ago we took in a friend who needed to get rest and get his life straight.
Once day I woke up and came downstrairs and found them having sex. They immediately came to me crying over the the guilt and shame of being caught in the act. He moved out the next day and my wife continued to ask for forgiveness and for me to speak with her.
I am so hurt of the last image I saw of them but we have two kids 6 and 3 and I can't bear ever leaving them by getting a divorce.
I can;t believe my wife when she says she loves me because of the actions of this ongoing relationship under my own roof. I feel like she feels the guilt and don't want to face the shame of facing neighbors, friends and her family. and also the possibility of losing the kids.

For the past year, we have been going through counceling and trying to work through everything that happenned. I can honestly say there has been a visible change in my wife and all for the better.

Many times I still wonder what I am doing in this marriage other than to avoid a truamatic life for my young kids. I am in the marriage and trying to lead my heart to genuinly love my wife but I am just going through the motions and the guilt of being fake is killing me. I am trying to be happy but other than spending quality time with the kids my life sucks. I get up go to work, work out, come home spend time with the family and then go through the same cycle. Couple of years ago I was heavy into youth and college ministries and was joyful serving but now I have no passion, no desire to be anything anymore. My wife is doing the best she can and I think she notices there is something missing from my part. Beleive me I can act it out and keep trying to lead my heart but how many years do I have to continue like this?
I don't know how to deal with the vivid images of walking in on the act without completely trying to ignore it and blocking it out of my head like it never happened. Everyone I talk to tells me to stay in the marriage and deal with it. That marriages have gotten stronger and much better than it was previously. I hate to say it this way but I am tired of those answers. How do you lose your limb and go through life like it was never there?

Why don't you talk to your wife about this?

I am sure sorry this happened to you. The best that you can do is to build a new marriage and do your best to stay away from triggers. Have you moved away from this home? When an affair takes place inside of one's safe home, many BS' feel triggered in their own homes. What about moving?

p.s. is this guy completely and totally out of your lives now? Do either of you EVER see him?

Crusade:

Search for krazy71's posts on this site. He walked in on his wife, and after three years of trying to recover, decided to divorce his wife. Start at the beginning. You will be startled by the similarities to your sitchs, as well as your thoughts and ideas.

There was another poster, abot a year ago, who walked in on his W having SF at one of thier rental properties. She ended up pregnant from the OM, and having the baby. THey decided to recover. Maybe someone can remember his name and lead you to his posts.

Both can help you come to grips with what happened.

And help you make the choice that you need to make.

LG

Jm, I just feel emotionally detached. I do talk about it in counselling sessions but nothing jump starts my heart

Crusade ~ look into EMDR therapy. I went through it and it's helpful for PTSD which you certainly have from walking in on your W having sex with someone else.

EMDR is helpful for many BSs but can be ESPECIALLY helpful for you because of what you saw.

I am sorry you are here.

Melody,

I really haven't thought about moving due to this. At first i hated being in the same house but learned to endure for the sake of the kids.
The OP is out of our lives as far as I know.

Enduring does not benefit your kids at all if it keeps their father triggered. You should strive to remove all triggers, even if it means moving to a new city.

Have you verified that your wife is not in contact with this bum?

Are you reliving the affair in counseling? Because that is another practice that will keep you triggered and crippled. Stop doing that!

Your best bet is to make behavioral changes such as a) stop talking about it and b) moving away from the scene of the crime. You are bound to be triggered if you have to walk through the scene of the crime every day.

Moving is often highly suggested after an A but in this case I'd say it's an absolute MUST.

You might not even realize how badly it's triggering you, but this is probably the reason why you are feeling so "numb". You've had to disengage from your entire life in order to not feel the trauma again every time you walk into your own home.

That would be Runnerboy. He remains the best ever example of nuclear exposure on this board. The OM in his sitch was was a real prize. Shortly after RB's d-day, he caught the same married OM with another OW, took a picture and sent it to OMW.

Before you can continue your marriage, you need to know why she did what she did. How can you trust her and why?

There is no guarantee that she will be taken back. Christ took us back, but if we do not return - he withdraws for good.

Honesty is part of establishing marriage. Has she done this in or before marriage -your lives must be absolutely open.

Has she tried to justify her action on the basis of your behaviour. There is none, but it is useful to realize whether you met her emotional needs.

Lastly have you consulted a pro marriage MC.

Crusade,
You've been asked some very good questions. I would add that you need to be brutally honest with yourself in answering - even if you move, will you be able to move past what has happened?

Gg

Crusade, this is the MB site and it, apparently, provides a very good method of recovering a marriage , itf that is your desire.
For me, when I first started researching this stuff, I felt like the odd man out here, as my XW never gave us a a chance to recover from her affair,. She simply walked out and has never acknowledged cheating.
But, I think it is important that you know that the majority of relationships touched by infidelity do not survive. A great many BSs do not get over this, ever. And, those folks are normal, healthy, good people. Harley , himself, has indicated he would be unwilling to reconcile if his spouse cheated on him.

So, if , after much soul searching, you find that you are like the majority of BSs, and realizer that you do not want to be married to a cheating spouse, do not feel alone.
If you still are unsure and want to try, folks seem to be getting decent results from the MB weekend and counseling with the Harley's
FWIW, sorry your spouse decided to do this to you and your family. It is abuse of the highest order. IS she abusive in other ways, as well? Does she demonstrate other weird behaviors?

Actually, this is FALSE, Zelmo...a great many DO survive. I don't know the stats off the top of my head but I do believe more survive after an A than fail.

Not according to Harley, Married. He does say his program , when worked by both parties is highly successful. Other sites make similar claims.
But, Harley has stated that Plan A works around 15% of the time and Plan B works even less. So, you are talking a max of 30% recovery rate.
I think folks get confused because the people that are motivated enough to enlist Harely's help are a select group and the success rate is, therefore, high.

Aww, you beat me to it, MF And as far as Dr. Harley goes: I was also one of those spouses who swore that all bets were off if my H ever had an A. Just goes to show you that you don't know what you'll do until it really happens.

Unfortunately, real statistics about affair recovery are lacking, IMHO, for one simple reason:

Cheaters lie.

Always have, always will.