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Atena,I don't know obviously something had to be missing.
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Mai Mai, I want to believe that she has been honest.
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People usually have affairs because their unmet emotional needs are met by their lover. There is probably something that your wife's lover is doing for her that makes her feel so good that she is willing to sacrifice the happiness of her children, her mother, her sister and you just to get it. What is it? What does her lover do for her that is that important? What does he give her that you have not given her? Can you change so that you can meet that need? The above is from Harley. Crusade - do you know what your WW's top EN are? Harley has a EN questionnaire that both of you can do. The link in the Most Popular Links to right of your screen. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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There was no remorse until she got caught. Her actions showed me that she didn't love me. She chose to go downstairs and give herself freely.
I think she decided that it was better that she stays with me because of the house, the kids and she didn't have to face the shame by telling her family.
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Crusade,
Have you read about exposure. It is the fastest way to kill the A but also helps WS realize the gravity of their choices.
The family needs to be informed. If there is no consequence to your WW she is most likely to repeat A with another man. You can read more about exposure in the Newsletter forum.
Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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GG,There was no EN the OM was giving her.He was using her and she knew it.
All he ever did was sleep here and play PS3 until late hours of the night.
When ever he wanted to get "off" he made his advances and she said yes.
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Gg, Thanks.I will read up on exposure. I always felt that it was her place to tell her mom.
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I translate this as she had a high need for SF which is an EN. There had to be some emotional attachment to OM. With women there usually is.
Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
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You should also read up on Plan A & B. I think you will feel much better if you have a plan. Right now you're sort of in limbo not really knowing which way to go. Harley's concepts provide a roadmap for you and it puts you in control of where you want to go (no matter what the end result). Plan A&B Plan A & Plan BCarrot & Stick Of Plan A http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788#Post1640788
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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GG,There was no EN the OM was giving her.He was using her and she knew it.
All he ever did was sleep here and play PS3 until late hours of the night.
When ever he wanted to get "off" he made his advances and she said yes. If this is the case, I'd be hard pressed not to toss her. How about a polygraph for her? I hope you're not running a shelter anymore!
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c7
You need to sell the house and move. What ever furniture or rugs or whatever the WW and OM used for love gymastics must also be left behind. Do not bring the poison into the new home.
This is a big trigger. Taking the daily tour of where the WW and OM rutted multiple times.
Also it takes two to five years for recovery. You have not hit the two year mark.
A good sign is that the WW is improving. You are also doing a good job by your kids.
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Gg mentioned that the OM may have met some emotional need. I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense.
Nah no more shelter. I have a 69 yr old God Father I took in years ago and if she decides to sleep with him than I think I'll take that as a sign to join monkhood.
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Gg mentioned that the OM may have met some emotional need. I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense.
Nah no more shelter. I have a 69 yr old God Father I took in years ago and if she decides to sleep with him than I think I'll take that as a sign to join monkhood. You likely know so little about what really happened. You need to figure out if you are fine with that or not. This was NOT the first time! Do you need to know everything?
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Thanks TR. We have gotten rid of some furniture but it seems like for my own sanity we may have to move.
The kids are very young and I know if I can stick out it for another 20 or 30 years and see my grandkids it will be all worth it.
I guess I just expected too much out of marriage and love. I just hope I can start living with some passion again.
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Mai,I asked her to be honest with me and tell me everything so I can heal sooner then later. It's not like I wasn't ready to except it since my imagination took me to the darkest places.
She wrote me a letter telling me how it started, where, when, how she felt,etc, etc. I am pretty sure there's more but I seen first hand of the act so it really didn't matter what she had to tell me anymore...
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Gg mentioned that the OM may have met some emotional need. I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense. He was meeting her top need for conversation. While you were meeting 4 or 5 of her lower ENs.
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I guess I just expected too much out of marriage and love. I just hope I can start living with some passion again. Crusade, No pity party. You need to feel empowered. You need a plan to recover your Marriage. Read the links provided. Start Exposure and Plan A. You can ask your MC if he/she can use MB concepts. My MC had it but I didn't know about it at the time to ask. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
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He was meeting her top need for conversation. Agreed.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Gg mentioned that the OM may have met some emotional need. I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense.
Nah no more shelter. I have a 69 yr old God Father I took in years ago and if she decides to sleep with him than I think I'll take that as a sign to join monkhood. You likely know so little about what really happened. You need to figure out if you are fine with that or not. This was NOT the first time! Do you need to know everything? MaiMai, what's your story?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Your right Gg. I am defeated being here and sittin around in limbo.
I am going to MC, spending family time, doing the Love and Respect series with other couples, going to church, celebrating anniversary and birthday and trying to lead my heart to be real. I am in Limbo because I feel it's just not real and there has to be more to all this....I just don;t know what else to do except either keep going forward with what I am already doing and hope to jump start my heart eventually or just quit now...
The house trigger may have a lot to do with it...So I'll work on a solution with that..
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