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They need a mom who is strong and emotionally stable. They deserve to feel safe from harm, especially in their own home. They are entitled to a HAPPY Mom to share laughs with and create the basis of family that they will carry in to their own marriages. This is what I am giving them by doing what I am in my current situation. As I read in another thread (as stated by a vet), they also need to know they have at least one parent with some INTEGRITY. Scot. You rock so much. You will be alright. Your kids will be alright. I pray that your WH will also be alright eventually. Stay strong - you're an inspiration. opt
Last edited by optimism; 12/22/09 07:59 AM. Reason: to add quote marks ""
Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01) Divorce from WW final 9/16/10. Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10) Mine: S(16), D(11) NatureGirls: S(23), D(21) Another EA Story
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Ok Mel now that was just too cool.
You got mutley laughin
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Okay, so this morning DS9 asked me to log in to their email because Daddy promised he would send them a message this morning. I had my fingers crossed that WH would actually write them their email. Well he did. DS9 read it out loud to DS6 and guess what it said.
"Good Morning. I am going to come and see you today as soon as I get off of work."
OH NO. What do I do now? I told DSx2 that Daddy can not come to see them today because he hasn't talked to IM yet. DS9 said "We should write him an email to tell him that."
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My Dad asked me if I wanted to go anywhere today and I was seriously thinking about not being here when he gets here but the question is how long would he wait?
Well, this is gonna get interesting. I was thinking about caving because I know the kids miss him terribly. The thing is I know he doesn't just want to pick them up, WH wants to come in the house and have his visit. Don't worry I WILL NOT CAVE.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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How about leaving for the afternoon - go out for dinner, visit family, last minute Christmas shopping or whatever you can come up with to keep you out all evening. Leave a note on your front door informing him that if he wishes to visit his children he must make the appropriate arranges through the IM as directed. Or better yet, have a neighbour keep watch for him and hand deliver the note so he'll feel less comfortable hanging around.
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Don't be there.
Also, check with the abandonment laws in your province. Since he handed you the keys when he vacated, it might be construed as abandonment - and therefore if he tries to break into "his" house, you can have him arrested.
Nothing says, "I've got boundries and I mean buisness" like a conversation with a burly cop whose pizzed his coffee's gettin' cold because he's got to talk to a numbnut who left his home for a kooze.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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Ask your IMs to email him and let him know that this is NOT acceptable, to be sending messages through your children. They can email him:
Dear Mr. WH,
It has come to our attention that you are emailing your children about your plans to visit them. They would love to see you, however please have the courtesy of going through us to set these visitations up. Your wife is more than willing to work with visitations out, but using the children as messengers is not acceptable and your requests through them will not be honored.
Thank you so much!
Mr and Mrs IM
Last edited by MarriedForever; 12/22/09 11:58 AM. Reason: added some clarification
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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I think you should have your IM contact him and tell him that he is to arrange visitation through them because you may have previous plans with the boys. That said...since he already has the boys looking forward to seeing him and IF you decide to let him see the boys this evening, the IM should ask him what time he will be there, where is he taking them, and what time will he bring them home.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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If you decide to let him see the boys tonight, leave a note on the door stating that if he'd like to see the boys they will be at IM's home at X:00 tonight. If he isn't there by X:30, you will be going out w/ the boys instead.
If he doesn't want to adhere to Plan B, then make everything MUCH harder for him.
If he had called IM, IM could have saved him a trip out to your home.
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LOVE Marshmallow's idea of leaving the boys with the intermediary tonight! If WH doesn't go to the IMs, he's not welcome to see the kids until he coordinates it through the intermediary.
If he does go to the IMs, then the introductions will be made, expectations set, and it should help enforce the boundary.
Great idea!
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Agreed. Have IM contact him.
What time he is picking them up -- what time he is dropping them off. That is all.
What did you designate as your regular visitation hours?
Did you specify one evening and every-other weekend?
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I say do both. Have IM contact him and say you already had plans
AND if he plays dumb put a note on the door as MM said
but definatly leave the apt either way. leave a note now and leave ASAP
Me 56 Former BS Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years. 4 children DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4 Me former BS DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr DSs 26 and 23 Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Very good ideas indeed. I do like the idea that IM would have the boys. Maybe this would give me some time to do the rest of my christmas shopping. I am still weighing my options so keep them coming.
DS9 was a little upset that he couldn't see Daddy today and that is what is killing me. I know THEY miss WH but I am trying to do what is right and he is just trying to get around what I want so he can get what HE wants. I am angry about this and I know that I shouldn't even be worrying about him at all right now.
I reassured DS9 that they will see Daddy Saturday as that was already stated in the children part of my Plan B letter. WH wants to come in here on christmas morning too. I DON'T THINK SO.
Foggy alien logic is so ILLOGICAL.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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The visitation that I had set up is this.
Every Sunday from 930am-630pm (I work Sundays 10-530)
Every OTHER Saturday from 930am-630pm (I work every other Saturday as well)
Then he was to call IMs to pick a night during the week when would be convenient to him.
I would actually let him see them today if he would just call IM and ask them. I don't mind having a couple of hours notice as long as it is through IM.
He gets off of work at 530 so he could be here by 6pm. He may get off early though.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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The illogical bit is why I suggested knowing your rights about abandonment.
It is not unknown around here for a waynerd to break into a house because they feel entitled to.
Know your rights in that corner. Please.
And leave a note on the door - printed out from the computer...I'd not even give him the luxury of my handwriting at the moment...please include the IMs email addy on the note.
And go have fun! Do you have a Dollar Tree up there? I let my kids pick out stuff from there to give to each other - they had a BLAST and it didn't break my wallet.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I would actually let him see them today if he would just call IM and ask them. I don't mind having a couple of hours notice as long as it is through IM. Scotland, the important thing here is that he is trying to FUDGE your requirements. He is trying to sneak stuff in under the door, so to speak. A little bit here, a little bit there...pretty soon, your Plan B is a big pile of hooey because you never stood your ground and ENFORCED it.
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Didn't you remember all of a sudden that you had a terribly important event that you and DSx2 were going to? I hear the mall Santas are practically begging for people to stand in line and have their pictures taken...
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I would actually let him see them today if he would just call IM and ask them. I don't mind having a couple of hours notice as long as it is through IM. Scotland, the important thing here is that he is trying to FUDGE your requirements. He is trying to sneak stuff in under the door, so to speak. A little bit here, a little bit there...pretty soon, your Plan B is a big pile of hooey because you never stood your ground and ENFORCED it. ITA. Let the kooze be his beck and callgirl. The key to this is him realizing you and your sons WILL have a life - with or without him.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
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I know that Cat that's why I don't want to cave. It feels like if I let him see them today then he will think that if he pushes harder on the Christmas thing and just tells the boys that I will let him come then too.
I want to do an excellent Plan B since I did well on Plan A. If not I should have just forgotten about Plan A altogether and said "To H3LL with it" and given up. Since that is not what I want I just wanted some suggestions as to what to do. At least I know that he is coming today so it isn't like I am just sitting here and the doorbell rings. I have time to PLAN PLAN PLAN.
I am definitely taking the kids somewhere and we will be coming home later but I dunno what else to do.
I will ask IM to email him. We don't have voicemail on our cell phones so this is the only way to get him a message.
Maybe they can simply say "Dear WH, We understand that you wrote to the children to tell them you would see them today. Unfortunately, they already have plans and will be unavailable.
They will be ready by 8 am on Saturday. Please contact us with the time you will be picking them up from and returning them to their home on Saturday, so we can pass this information on to BW.
Thank you
IM"
This Saturday is a holiday in Canada too and it is called Boxing Day. My MIL always has her Christmas dinner that day so the kids of course will be there. That is why there is a different time for them to be picked up and dropped off.
Last edited by Scotland; 12/22/09 12:49 PM.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He gets off of work at 530 so he could be here by 6pm. He may get off early though. Take the boys out to eat at about 5:00...do some other fun things until the time you set to drop off at IM. THIS way, WH has to find something to do for an hour or two before he can pick up the boys at IM. He needs to learn that if he had called IM to set this up he would have found out that you and the boys had other plans and wouldn't have wasted his time. If he keeps insisting on coming into the home to visit w/ the boys then you might have to make sure that you exchange the boys away from your home until he gets it.
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