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I just fuond this stat on another affair-recovery website: If you have experienced the trauma of infidelity, don�t feel alone. Statistics show over 70-80% of married couples struggle with this issue sometime during the course of their marriage . This means that 70-80% of MARRIED COUPLES (those STILL married) chose to recover the marriages.
Last edited by MarriedForever; 12/22/09 12:35 PM.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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I just fuond this stat on another affair-recovery website: If you have experienced the trauma of infidelity, don�t feel alone. Statistics show over 70-80% of married couples struggle with this issue sometime during the course of their marriage . This means that 70-80% of MARRIED COUPLES (those STILL married) chose to recover the marriages. I think you have to really look at the sentence structure, Married. While your interpretation could be correct, it could also be saying that 70-80% of couples married at the time, struggle with this, without any info on what transpires after the struggle. I have read on numerous sites that do not sell marriage saving services , that 30% is the survival rate.
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The statistics and their interpretation would make an interesting discussion for a separate thread.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Imagine, her reason for doing it was the thrill of sin. Once you get into it even though you want to stop your caught up in the in it. I honestly have to believe though that if they were not caught that they still would have been active with one another.
she has struggled with her self worth and was very sexually active right until we got engaged. I don't think she ever resolved those issues and bought it into the marriage.
She has shown me in the last year that I can trust her.
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GG, I honestly don't know. do people honestly get passed it or do they endure it making the best of what is left?
I am willing to give it a try if it helps.
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Crusade7, we have the testimonies of many, many recovered husbands and wives to the effect that if they fully follow Dr. Harley's plan for marital recovery -- BOTH partners! -- within two years their love is restored and they trust one another again.
I always forgive.
I will never forget.
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Then if you truly want to try you need to consider moving. Staying in the house is like picking at a scab. You cannot fully heal. One guy here got rid of his bed because he couldn't bear the thought of knowing his WW shared it with OM. I didn't not catch my FWH in the act but we did go to MC and used the MB principles and after two years our M is Recovered.
Look at Mark's signature - he has a link to Memories and triggers. (Mark is everywhere)
Gg
Last edited by gg615; 12/22/09 02:58 PM.
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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In the meantime, rearrange the room and get rid of the sofa if that is where you caught them.
Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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Crusade:
Tough thing you had to see and the pain must be horrible. I am convinced my wife had a SA but she wont admit it and I know how I feel just believing she did. There is nothing fair about what the BS must endure, nothing at all. You are justified to leave her and I will tell you right now, it would likely be the less painful act you can do. You can choose to stay and you will be haunted by what you saw. I am haunted by what I didn't see going on six years later. My old deep love I felt for my FWW before the affair is different than it is today. I put her on a pedestal before and today we simply chose to stay married.
At the end of the day, you are going to have to choose to forgive her but you will never forget what you saw. In time, the damage of the affair fades and it becomes just another event in your marriage. I am not unhappy I stayed married, but as I said, it is a bit different now.
Ask yourself this question. "Is your wife the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and is she the person you want standing beside you when you bury your parents and other people close to you?" Every BS on these boards who stayed together with their WS's all had to make the choice to forgive and move forward. That applies to EA's, SA's, and even people who caught their spouses in the act itself.
Be prepared for an emotional ride because it takes a long time to overcome the pain that was put on you against your will. Betrayal kills the only thing that we all thought was real in our marriages, our trust and our loyalty from our spouses. Divorcing her is the easiest way out. I too put my kids and my family ahead of my own pain and stayed. I have a decent marriage today but it is a different marriage than before. I hope this helps to some degree.
TooSoon
Married 20 yrs at time of affair
DD: 1/16/04
NC: Since 4/14/04
FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months.
MC: For Awhile
Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends.
Progress: Doing very well.
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D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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i know this does not help anybody at all, but at times i ask myself why some of us have to go thru this trauma while others are lucky and are married to people who will not cheat on them?
In other words, why us?
I swear, this is the most painful experience I ever had. I found my father dead in front of the house and I thought i would never recover...but I did. And my H betrayal (twice) is way more painful than the sudden death of my dad!
I had 3 people die in my presence, my uncle right in my arms of terminal cancer.
Is life putting me thru all this pain of loss for a reason?
I am waiting to see what my path is.
I have see loss and death in the face many times.
It is painful, very.
blessing
atena
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TooSoon,Thanks so much. At one time she was the person I committed to spend the rest of my life with.Right now I just don't know. I believe that I am trying to be fair in trying but I just don't know if I am madly in love and if I ever can be. In the end I know I am not being fair to my wife or to myself if I can't offer 100% of myself.
The main thing that is keeping from leaving is the trauma that it causes the kids. I love them dearly and cannot bear the thought of them growing up in a divorced home like I have. They don't deserve that kind of pain.
I honestly can say if I we did not have kids that I would not be here.
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But Crusade, you DO have kids and you do have the responsibility towards them. There is LOVE in your relationship with your W, it is the love for your kids. OK, you do not feel the pang for your wife, nor the passion. But you did admit that she has become a better person in the last year. Mature love is different from the passion we too often see in A for example.
If you and your family moved to a new place that might help you with the images of your W and OM.
Are y�u forming an attachment to an OW or are you fantasizing about other women? I am asking you this because if that were the case feeling of love for your wife might not be easy to re-kindle.
blessing
atena
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Wow. I never realized that the house itself could be a trigger. After I caught them she admitted that they have had sex downstairs, in our bedroom and even in the kids room.
I still don't understand why...?? The OP had nothing going for him but she chose to go downstairs and give herself freely to him.
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My wife and I have always had heart to share or home with people that needed help. Over a year ago we took in a friend who needed to get rest and get his life straight.
Once day I woke up and came downstrairs and found them having sex. They immediately came to me crying over the the guilt and shame of being caught in the act. He moved out the next day and my wife continued to ask for forgiveness and for me to speak with her.
I am so hurt of the last image I saw of them but we have two kids 6 and 3 and I can't bear ever leaving them by getting a divorce.
I can;t believe my wife when she says she loves me because of the actions of this ongoing relationship under my own roof. I feel like she feels the guilt and don't want to face the shame of facing neighbors, friends and her family. and also the possibility of losing the kids.
For the past year, we have been going through counceling and trying to work through everything that happenned. I can honestly say there has been a visible change in my wife and all for the better.
Many times I still wonder what I am doing in this marriage other than to avoid a truamatic life for my young kids. I am in the marriage and trying to lead my heart to genuinly love my wife but I am just going through the motions and the guilt of being fake is killing me. I am trying to be happy but other than spending quality time with the kids my life sucks. I get up go to work, work out, come home spend time with the family and then go through the same cycle. Couple of years ago I was heavy into youth and college ministries and was joyful serving but now I have no passion, no desire to be anything anymore. My wife is doing the best she can and I think she notices there is something missing from my part. Beleive me I can act it out and keep trying to lead my heart but how many years do I have to continue like this?
I don't know how to deal with the vivid images of walking in on the act without completely trying to ignore it and blocking it out of my head like it never happened. Everyone I talk to tells me to stay in the marriage and deal with it. That marriages have gotten stronger and much better than it was previously. I hate to say it this way but I am tired of those answers. How do you lose your limb and go through life like it was never there? What a horrible experience for you...sorry. Has she been honest with you since you walked in on her? It's highly unlikely you walked in the first time it happened. Honesty is the base for rebuilding. Anything less and you may as well forget it. Best of luck.
Last edited by MaiMai; 12/22/09 06:25 PM. Reason: spelling
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Crusade, I can give y�u my example of how much of a trigger my apartment is:
After I found out about the A my H is having with neighbor OW and after he moved out to his own place:
Every time I left to go to the store or to work I would meet OW on the stair and she would say "Hi" (of course she knows I know...) I would have to go into deep presence and meditation to prevent myself from kicking her and calling her names.
Every time I went to bed and saw the empty space next to me I would think of H all the time
Every time I would walk into son's room I would think of him just freshly away to college.
So I left that apartment and now live like a nomad and go from friends to friends house (all single women, or married but with H away,I would never live with a married couple..actually with one exception I did, and the H is 76.)
I would rather live this way (till I find an affordable spot) than to live in that trigger h*ll.
Please move from that house...
blessing
atena
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Atena, I don't have any close friendships with any OW.
When I was younger, woman were my weakness. I was too nice for my own good and did not know how to say "no". After re-committing my life to God, I decided that would not develop a emotional and physical relationship with anyone from the opposite sex until I was ready for marriage. So I built emotional & physical boundries to avoid ever putting myself in situations again. After three years of being single I finally proposed to a childhood friend out of the blue and she is now my wife. I still have those safeguards around other woman to the point where I get very uncomfortable talking in private or otherwise. I tend to push woman towards my wife so they can build a relationship.
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Bravo!
Good. You are one of those golden guys.
blessings
atena
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Wow. I never realized that the house itself could be a trigger. After I caught them she admitted that they have had sex downstairs, in our bedroom and even in the kids room.
I still don't understand why...?? The OP had nothing going for him but she chose to go downstairs and give herself freely to him. What!! My God - that house is one huge trigger for you. You definately need to move. Gg
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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