So here goes. There is a wonderful woman I am dating, and we have had an argument. I introduced her to some of these MB principles, Love Busters, Emotional Needs specifically, and I am sort of getting a deer in the headlights look.

I am starting to feel like what I learned here through my affair is more of a curse than a blessing, in that MOST people I meet don't seem to want to work on their relationships, or even understand that they ARE work.

There wasn't really a question in there was there? What's running through my mind is:

Cut and run, not wanting to waste time?
Keep pushing on her (gently) and if it pushes her away, I am better off without her?

The worst thing about an affair is I find I can't relate to a woman who has not been the victim of one. It changes you on a fundamental level.

NCWalker,
How long have you been involved with GF? I think timing is everything in relationship. If GF wasn't ready to hear about MB because she may feel she's at different level than you are in relationship. I know that is what I would be thinking if I were GF and BF starts mentioning relationship program. I would either fear it because I'm not ready to commit or welcome it if BF is ready to commit to serious relationship.

Gg

Pep,

Here's a funny thing. I have been TRYING to date women close to my age (I am 42). They fall into two categories:
1) The exited a relationship long ago and have an GIANT "I don't need no man" chip on their shoulder.
2) They have JUST gotten out of a relationship and assume too quickly that I am a dirtbag just like the guy they left.

One would think that with so many guys wanting to date 10-15 years younger than themselves, I would be beating off 40-45 year old women with a stick. I have found that I have to beat the YOUNG girls off with a stick. It's really strange.

My last relationship ended because of age difference (10 years). It came in the form of outlooks on life being different, more than anything else.

To answer your question, current GF is 40. Close to my age. And understands the joke when I say I used to have a "Flock of Seagulls" hairdo.

gg615,

GF has already said she wants to marry me. She was in a slump of "there are no good men" out there.

I did not bring up MB on the principles of marriage. What I introduced was the Policy of Radical Honesty, rather than plop everything in her lap at once. More along the lines of - I learned this lesson from my prior marriage, and I think it is an important one in a new relationship to make it strong and healthy, marriage or not.

NCW

I don't think MB principles really work with the commitment of marriage in place. MB has a lot to do with ignorning your feelings and doing what's best for the marriage. With dating, feelings should play a pretty high role, IMO. If your love bank is empty, walking away is perfectly acceptable.

That said though, I think there is many MB principles that are useful in dating and life in general, particularly cutting out LBs. Sure it's good to know your GFs ENs, but I don't think you can really sit down with a questionaire.

Not sure if it's truly a part of MB, but isn't usually during dating where we are meeting ENs well, and in marriage where we start to slack off and take each other for granted?

Yes. But we had a spat. I handled it in MB form, she doesn't understand why I was upset. I tried to explain it through MB principles and got the "yeah, whatever" when I was hoping for understanding.

Doesn't mean it won't come. But I think maybe I am being too sensitive. Right now, I am cutting her some slack.

NCwalker, I would give her the book I Promise You. It prepares one for marriage by giving an outline of MB concepts.

I have found that most people do understand the basic concepts behind MB once it is explained and to a person who WANTS to understand it. My sister, for example, is getting divorced and she counseled with Steve Harley. My sister doesn't WANT TO get MB because she enjoys demonizing men. She tried and tried to get Steve H to admit that her H was SATAN INCARNATE and when he wouldn't do that, she gave up on Steve. It was real funny how she used to tell me "STeve just doesn't understand!!!!" My sis just kept piling on the grievances in the hopes, I guess, that Steve would tell her to call 911 and have the SOB arrested.

Anyway, I have talked to alot of ppl about MB in bits and pieces and most are very impressed with its concepts. So maybe if you asked her to read that book, she would be able to GET IT. And if she doesn't endorse those concepts [like radical honesty, affair proofing, etc] then that should be a red flag to you.

What matters most, though, is if yore momma likes her!

Yeah if she is talking about marriage then you should be able to talk about marriage.. If-ya-know-what-I-mean.

That book sounds good mel was talkin bout

I don't know what the issue of disagreement was about, but with that response, time to end the relationship. . .

sorry to hear that your partner is not interesting in your point of view, or discussing your issues with attention!

wiftty

wiftt