Man just when I go a few days without a lot of triggers I run into something that really screws my head up, (I still think of the A's daily, even if for a moment, I suspect it will be like that for a while)?

We were at a friends house last weekend for a party, lots of folks there. I was fine, interacting and chatting it up. Then for some reason after a few hours I went back to the dark place and was triggered.

My wife isn't fully transparent but has fed me bits and pieces. One is that she hooked up with most of the guys at friends parties, (bingo, we are at a friends party).

So then I start down that slippery slope, wondering how she and the guys would interact with each other, laughing....probably kissing, etc. Having a good time, then I wondered how they transitioned from the party to having sex...I mean the whole freaking thing. I couldn't stop myself. She has told me in the past that she slept overnight with some of the guys...etc, etc.

I was in a bad funk then...I was able to talk to some people but my whole demeanor changed. As my wife says she wants me to share my triggers and questions with her, but when I do it usually results in anger on her part, I just kept it in when she asked what was wrong. She knew I was triggered but not why.

I still have not told her my thoughts on that night. I was in a funk until the next day. The worst part is I can't share my feelings with my wife as they trigger HER, she has basically told me.

I had told her the other day when it became obvious I can't share or ask her things of her A's that I have to talk to someone...if its not her then its going to be 'someone' who wants to listen. There are people who want to listen and help me, and it isn't a dude either.

She keeps saying she does want to help and wants to talk, but every single time it ends in disaster. Its better, it seems, to just keep it inside.

Blows chunks.

There is no pill to get you through this. You are going to have questions, and it is going to make you sick/angry/upset. Further, it will get tiresome to your W and SHE will get sick/angry/upset. (Even though she shouldn't, even though she doesn't want to, even though she may be owning her mistake, she IS human and it will get tiresome).

This will be your mind trying to connect how it could happen. To make sense of it. Because part of you is saying "What is wrong with me?" and if you could UNDERSTAND it, you could handle it.

Odds are, you will never understand it, and your WW will not either at a later date. So eventually, you will be OK with it, not from a logical standpoint, or a justification standpoint, but because pain simply fades with time.

And that's the point. It will take time.


I really don't like this. This sounds combative and smacks of retaliation. Stop that kind of thinking now. Whatever bad choices your W made, SHE will have to deal with. It is not an excuse for YOU to make them, and does not justify you playing close to the fence when you should be staying far from it. Trust me, you will be happier with YOURSELF for doing the right thing. If you don't like yourself, how will she EVER like you? Sounds corny, but it's true.

Oh. And it DOES blow chunks. It sucks really bad, you didn't deserve it and it IS completely unfair that you have to go through it.

Doesn't change the fact that you are there now. Doesn't change the fact that your life will be YOUR choices.

'NCW', I regretted saying that last part, and she knew I was blowing off steam, but I feel trapped, I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Time, yes I know it takes time but it sucks, bad.

Good. I am glad you regretted that. (And I wasn't judging you, you wouldn't BELIEVE some of the cr@p that came out of my mouth). Regretting it means your head is screwed on right, you should be very pleased with that.

The heart sucks though, brother. The pain is almost unbearable. All I can say is it goes away. Wish I could do more.

I appreciate the advise and I knew you were not judging me.

Yea man my heart is so 'blowed up' right now, I mean its in a bad place, a place its never been in before. I've gone through some trauma in my life too. I thought losing two children, one the day after he was born, and one 7 months after she was born, was the worst pain one could ever go through. I was wrong, finding out the truth about my wifes A's is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life, no doubt.

Codetj,

These two things must change if you are going to recover your marriage.

1. She MUST be transparent. You have a right to know everything (even details if you choose).
2. She has to bear the brunt of the work now. None of this namby-pamby she gets angry crapola. What the hades does she have the right to get angry about???

Good luck my friend.

I know 'MM', she knows about being transparent but isn't about being it. She says she has told me everything, while saying it very angrily. In reality she has told me not much and if she thinks I've already asked a question before she really gets steamed over that.

What does she have to be angry over, good question. The only thing that I figured out is her talking of the A's brings her back to the pain she was feeling that made her think she had to commit the A's.

I do understand she was in pain when she did the A's, she had emotional needs that were not getting fulfilled. I too had emotional needs going unfulfilled, however I didn't bang a bunch of chicks to fill the void.

Codtei, so I gather you W had multiple As, is that correct?
Do you have kids?
Blessing

Yea, my story and the 'A' info is in my signature area. She has admitted to 5 EA into PA's. She swares it was 'only' those 5 guys. We have kids but they are grown, however 2 still live at home, 20 and 25. 28 yr old is married and living with husband.

She is a serial cheater. But I see that the vets here on this forum are telling you to keep trying to save the M. I do not know if I would have the strenght to do that after 5 A's. How can you possibly forget...everything must be a trigger for you.
blessing

Everything is a trigger, yes, its a constant struggle for sure. Even though her A's were 21 years ago, Dday was less than 4 months ago. Not to mention I did suspect two A's, but whenever they were brought up she denied them over the years. So I lamely accepted her stories...the dreaded, 'they were just friends' line.

There is a huge trust issue, to name just one, that I am grappling with.

I was reading on here I think, something from Mr. Harley, that people with a good memory have it rough, trying to forget. I have a great memory and I forget NOTHING, so I am cursed by having such a good memory.

It's horrible.

so you mean to tell me you just found out 4 months ago about A's that took place 21 years ago?
Ok, well then yes you should try to move past this otherwise you will have a miserable life.
Plus your W will resent it. I know WS should not have the right to resentment, but they will....and if she is like my H, she will find excuses to cheat again.
blessing

Yea they were in 1988....I am trying to move past it, but just because they happened 21 years ago, I did just find out. There has to be healing, and accountability. You think she should just be let off scott free because she lied to me for 21 years successfully?

Like a crime, there is a statute of limitations?

No, I am not saying that at all. I am just concerned about you and you not being able to forgive her. I know that can be hard. I was not able to forgive my H after his first A and he never really regretted having it...so now he had another one and the M is over.
blessing

I have forgiven her as best I can at this point and we are trying to heal as a couple. She does love me, and I her, I think. However for me there is a lot that has to be done before I can move forward, and be healed as best I can.

5 sexual affairs 21 years ago, 21 days ago, is a HUGE problem in my book and I have to deal with this properly.

I must run out and be Santa for a while, thanks for any replies.

This bears repeating. Your WW has some work to do, and wussing out by getting angry ain't it. She now owes you WHATEVER you need in order to repair the terrible harm she has inflicted on you and your M. Time for her to woman-up and get to work.

If she is unable to do this, your R will be hampered. There is nothing that YOU are doing wrong - your W needs to understand that what you are going through is absolutely normal. She needs to read some MB books to understand the nature of a BSs recovery from an A. She needs to supply you with what you require in order to heal. Patience is good, for a start.

Just saw this....no I appreciate your viewpoint and experience, thanks, I really mean it.

Again, I have used the words, 'I forgive you as a person but not what you did'...sorta like, 'forgive the sinner but not the sin'.

We are both working to fix what happened, but what I pointed out about my wife's hurt returning when we discuss the A's is a concern as I don't want to bring back her pain from back then. She was in pain, I know it, even if she brought some of it upon herself.

I am sorry for what happened to your M and I do appreciate your insight 'atena'....neither of us want a D, but we have our work cutout.

Thanks, I will reply when I get back. Merry Christmas.

'MB', just glossed over your post, great points from what I saw. Will read when I return, thanks a million..!!