alright guys my first post ever. but i need some help. i am in the military the marine corps to be exact. i am married to the love of my life. been married since march 3 2006 dated since 2003
after my first tour to Iraq i was diagnosed with PTSD and if you all are familiar with that. alot of emotional withdrawal and closure isolation come from that. i hurt my wife alot. long story short i just attended a 7.5 week residential treatment course to help me cope with my anxiety and depression and other things. i was able to come home for the weekends and on these weekends i noticed her to become more distant and distant as i tried to become closer like she had always wanted until one weekend she did not even want to be around me she would sit on the other side of the couch or go to the computer and i tried to talk to her about it. ever since i graduated that class she has been leaving the house as soon as i get home from work the day i graduated she left and spent all day away from me. my only off day. i tried planning a date night tonight with her and she blew me off to hang out with her friends tomorrow i work all day and when i come home she is leaving again all night sunday i work all day. tuesday we have a marriage counseling session scheduled but i just dont know what to do i am so confused she used to always want to be around me and now i am trying to be open with her and she is not here supporting me in my recovery. i love her very much i have never cheated on her and nor do i think she has ever slept with anyone. however i feel like she is trying to replace me. what do i do? what can i do?

Hi Jerry,

Sorry you are here but i can empathize. I am a Navy guy and the same type of thing happened to me after deploying except the severity of PTSD. I am sorry for that but glad you sought help.

Jerry, this place is about fixing marriages, and while you don't have sign of infdelity on your wife's part, you have reason to fear that it could become an issue.

Most people don't realize how hard it is to be in the military these days, and that applies equally to the spouse of a military member. It is hard. While u haven't been the best husband, you went thru a lot and there is a reaction when we get home ad it is not always the best one.

Right now read up on Plan A. I would go buy the book "Surviving and affair" even though you dont suspect infidelity at this point. His Needs Her Needs is also one you should get.

You need to start being the best Jerry there is and instead of talking about how you wantto change, just change. SHOW her you can take care of her and be the man she married. Don't spend a lot of time talking about your relationship, just be the strong but caring type that is the best Jerry there ever was.

I hope things work out and I really hope you read Dr. Harley's books I listed above.

SWW

thanks man yea thats what ive been trying to do. although i didnt quite realize that until last night while i was laying in bed while she slept next to me. i have plenty of time to think since i dont sleep and i realized us fighting about her not being here was only driving her further away. she wants a divorce but for some reason hasnt picked up the paperwork. so i think there is a possibility for us to work. we were suppose to spend today together since it is my only off day but i had to drop her off at a friends house. hopefully she will come around all i can do is work on my recovery and show her the good person today we had a good time grocery shopping then took our 3 yr old to the park. i think she had a good time with us. hopefully she will see that we can be happy together again

oh by the way her "friends" are guys from a car club that i use to belong to. i just saw a couple posts where hes calling her sexy in her pictures she sees nothing wrong with it because she says thats his "personality" how do i make her see it from my point of view

well i was just told by a really good friend that she has had some guy over almost every night while i was gone. i came home to an empty house and i called her and asked her about it and she said so what you knew i was unhappy its not like i was having sex with him i was just talking to him. and she then said she is not coming home tonight and that she will talk to me tomorrow

well,

There you have it. I am sorry but she is having an affair. The claims that she is not having sex with him are almost certainly untrue, even still she is certainly in an emotional affair, but really, if she is spending the night out and has had him spend the night over you know the score.

I realy am sorry.

Now is the time to decide if you want to stay married to her. If you do, you follow the advice given by vets on this board and by Dr. Harley in his books.

First expose! Make a list of everyone you know that can have any influence on her, yours and her parents, church, friends, all family, work, neighbors, everyone. Is he married or in a relationship? Expose. Can you find his parents? Expose. It will be tough and she will be angry but thisis the only way to shine alight on the ugliness and put pressure on the affair.

Do it in one fell swoop. Do Not let her know ahead of time or she will spin the story to make it seem like you are crazy or it is you fault. You need to approach these people with a simple message, "My wife is having an affair with X person. I am trying to save my marriage and could use your help and advice." Period.

Snoop for corroborating evidence like emails, texts, cell records etc. Print em out and save them offsite if you can.

I hate to reccomend you leave the military marriages section o the forum, but it is more quiet here. I stronlgy suggest you hit "notify" and ask a MOD to send this thread to "Surviving an Affair" there are a lot more vets there that will help you get thru this.

We can do this together. These great people helped me so much i can't even begin to describe it. Move your thread and the cavalry will be riding in to help you thru this.

Remember:

Semper Fidelis

SWW

just hit the notify button. and actually funny you say that last night i tried going over to her friends house who has helped us work out issues in the past and they all were very short with me. i called the one friend of hers that i know phone number and spoke with her about what had been happening. then when i jumped on facebook and my wife was on at the same time she started interrogating me as to why i am stopping by peoples homes and calling people and such. i actually just wrote her mom now. i normally dont talk to her mom so we will see how this goes. i wrote this guys fiance this morning to only find out he broke things off with her the other day. she seemed somewhat happy to hear it was not her fault i guess but was also devastated to the fact what had happend. i am in the middle of talking to some higher ups of his since he is in the military as well even though i dont have proof of adultery i think it is enough to warrant an investigation. i am also contemplating emailing this guys parents to let them know what he is doing as well

i do not have access to her emails and she keeps her phone pretty guarded and since i am not home very much anymore i dont have very many opportunities

Keep exposing and encourage the investigation by the military. She's busted, IMO, no doubt whatsoever that she is cheating and has been for a good long time. Cut off whatever financial support you can, as you are underwritng her affair.
But, exposure seems to be the most effective affair dampener. Don't hold back in that regard.

BTW, thanks for the service to this country. It is truly deplorable that your wife cheated on you while you risked your life. She sounds monstrous.

Now that you've started exposing, hurry up and get to everyone as quickly as possible. Otherwise she'll talk to people before you, and try to "spin" things to her advantage. Like, telling everyone how horrible you were, and how she's "finally been able to break free and have a shot at happiness..."

So get to as many ppl as possible, as quickly as possible.

Keep exposing and tell up the chain of command until they separate WW and OM.

Sorry you have to be here, but you're going to get a lot of help. There are some great people on this board. I was helped tremendously.
Keep up with the exposure - that's your best weapon at this point.

Thank you for your service. I really appreciate you and guys and gals like you who are keeping my family safe.

well i have spoke with just about everyone possible including mine and his command. i dont know what his command has told him but i know my command told my wife that he is not allowed at the house she was very resistant to it and rude and then insisted that if i wanted to play dirty she can to. i was then called by one of her friends and told that what i am doing is wrong and illegal and that i need to respect her wishes. she then told me that my wife will be staying in a hotel(i guess because he cannot come to the house) and that she is gonna try and get a restraining order on my but i dont know on what grounds

Jerry,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. But you are at a website that has a wealth of information and experience.

Have you read the articles here on the site? They are really very good. Also, I recommend getting Dr. Harley's book, Surviving an Affair, and read it cover to cover as soon as possible.

A good thread to look at is Scotland's Ummmm, I installed a keylogger. She is really doing things according to the MB way.

You are doing a good job at exposing the A. notifying the command was a good thing to do. Ignore the friend. No one has the right to carry on an affair in the marital home, right in front of the spouse.

How is you wife going to pay for the hotel? The next step should be to cut off your financial support to the affair. If you have joint credit cards, cancel them. Same with cell phone, if it is in your name. How is she getting around? Does she have a car? If so, is it in your name? Getting the idea?

I don't have too much experience with this part. But there are plenty of vets on here who do? Have you read the carrot and stick of plan A? It talks about how to show a loving you while not accepting your W having an A in your face.

Best wishes to you. There are plenty of military on this site. Both my H and I were military. I don't think there is much on my thread, however, that fits your specific situation.

AM

PS Are you proactively dealing with the PTSD? This has proved to be a significant complication in my H's and my situation.

Let WW go to a motel. On her own money. Cut off your financial support. BH's do not pay for their WW's affair's.

Agreed.

And thank you for serving our country.

yes i am actively dealing with this. i was just at a residential course at the hospital where i had to live there for 2 months i did successfully complete it but now am having to deal with this situation

Jerry,
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this on top of what you were dealing with from your deployment to Iraq. But you seem to be doing everything right. There are no guarantees that your wife will come back to you, but at the end of this, you will have no regrets about the actions you have taken to fight for your marriage. Being proactive and strong also gives you a much better chance of recovering your marriage. Keep leaning on the other man through the chain of command. Make your wife be simply too much of a hassle for him to pursue. Single women won't carry nearly as much baggage and he should dump her pretty quickly as his career gets threatened. If she insists on staying in a hotel, do you have the money to hire a PI? Knowing her hotel should make it really easy to get photo goods on them.

And of course, if your wife relies on you financially, you need to withdraw all manner of funding to her. Tell her you will provide for her in the house, but if she wants to live elsewhere, you will not contribute. She'll be angry, but you'll be injecting that much more conflict into the affair.

Good luck and listen to the good folks here!

Don't let these morons intimidate you. What your wife is doing is wrong, end of story. The wayward chooses their actions (she chose to commit adultery) but they don't have the luxury of choosing the consequences of those actions.

You could possibly save your marriage. You have a lot of work to do but you're off to a good start, jd. If you're like Sickoflimbo, another military man, you'll be mechanical and relentless in your new fight against infidelity.

And thank you for keeping me and my family safe; your service to our country does not go unnoticed.

opt