I've been out for 8 months, and my guilt for leaving is still tremendous. Despite everything she did to me, when I see the destruction I left in my wake and when my son makes comments about our first Christmas without being a real family", it really tears me up. I feel terrible. I feel like I might burn someday for not being a stronger person. Part of me knows all of the stuff about the kids being better off, but that doesn't help. I'm just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this, and how.

I guess it's what your definition is of 'stronger'.
It takes a strong person to survive infidelity, meaning no matter whether or not the M recovers, the person survives the A
with their self respect intact. This doesn't happen overnight nor does it happen magically.

I don't know your situation, if you left your WS for the betterment of you and your kids, you are STRONG.
Strong doesn't mean stay no matter what, strong to me means, stay if it is in yours and your kids best interest.

In other words, stay if the M can be stronger, leave if you feel the M will not, and that takes strength and wisdom.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

krazy

Do not remember the details of your story except that you caught WW and the OM going at it.

Not every one can recover. So do not blame your self for divorcing.

What did your WW do or not do post D day for you to divorce?

It takes more then the WW going NC with the OM to recover.

Spending half of day is better or flip flop xmass eve for xmass day every year. It's not the same as 24/7. Nothing now is the same. Enjoy what you can.

Krazy,

I think this is normal. I've felt that way for two years. Thinking that I should have tried harder, done something different, been a better spouse, whatever....

Don't beat yourself up too much. Your case is especially traumatic. Honestly, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did. Most of us only have to imagine that stuff.

(((((Krazy)))))

Krazy, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your children will learn, if they don't know already, that no one can save a marriage alone. You can't be married alone.

Just worry about what you yourself can do. Be there for the kids, be the normal, stable one. (Hey, if I can do that, anyone can do that!) They will understand that you did all you could but that no one can be married by themselves.

Sadness is one thing. I don't think that can be avoided at this stage. Guilt is another thing. Sadness, of course, but I hope you had no guilt. I couldn't save mine either, and it was for the same reason - I couldn't be married by myself.

Your kids will understand. They really will. Just try to enjoy the day with them and make a few good memories of their time spent with you, no matter how simple. That's all they really want.
Mulan

My stbx did everything she could. She wasn't perfect, but she tried. The initial damage done was too great. I've seen other BS's overcome infidelity with less cooperative spouses, and it kills me that I couldn't.

I've just got to hope that someday my kids will forgive me.

You did nothing for your kids to forgive you for.
Their mother destroyed their family, not you.

You caught your WW in the act ....... that would be straw for me too.

I don't think you would want your adult children to stay with someone who had done such a thing to them - not when you knew they would be tormented by it forever, as most sane people would be.

I don't think you would want your adult children to stay with someone who could be so extremely cold and cruel to them as your WXW was to you.

It's understandable, and as I said, I have no doubt your children will understand someday even if they do not now. Your WW didn't just damage the house - she dropped a nuclear bomb on it and there's no way anyone can live there now.

Some things just cannot be fixed. Your WW absolutely knew what she was risking and she did it anyway. Would you want your adult children to stay married to someone who loved them so little as to do a thing like that?

Sadness, you are allowed. Guilt, no. As long as you are there for your kids when they need you, you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. No one can live in a nuked-out house, no matter how much they might attempt to fix it. You can't fix something that no longer exists.
Mulan

We're all wired differently. Forgeting is not the same for all.

Please don't pile blame on yourself for your ex's actions. Would you accept blame for needing insulin if you were diabetic? No, it is a hand you were dealt.

If blame is being handed out, your wife should be at the front of the line!

Krazy, the WSs on this site are exceptional, for the most part, in that they were willing to do the extraordinarily hard work to recover the marriage, work on themselves and the relationship.
Your XWW did a perfunctory job, nothing like the efforts that truly motivated Wss do.
And, the BSs that are able to get past this are uncommon, as well. You have nothing to feel guilty about. There was nothing more you could have done having actually witnessed the act and with such a poorly motivated WW.
I think your kids will be better off, in the long run. They will learn that there are consequences to horrible actions, like cheating. And, they will have the opportunity to see their father, eventually, at peace and, possibly, in a relationship with a healthy woman, not a cheater.

{{{{{{Krazy}}}}}

I'm sorry you are hurting.

After infidelity, each of us has to make the personal decision about how to create the best life we can post-affair. Your decision was to end the marriage, and no one here thinks less of you for it.

Do you ever think about starting over with your FWW?

Only in moments of weakness. It's not really an option at this point. She's already out there "socializing", anyway. There would be even more to overcome if I wanted to go back, which I don't.

How old are your kids Krazy71 ???

k7

You stated how your parent's affairs damaged you. That you can not confront your dad now that he is dead. That your mom will not admit the damage she did to you with her affair and taking you on spying trips to catch your dad.

I say get your mom in a car ride on an interstate with a full tank of gas so she can't jump out and tell her what she did to you. Hold her accountable.

Best done in a vehicle that can go 600+ miles on one tank of fuel.

How could you expect to resovle how being a BH when you never resovled being a BC, betrayed child?

I don't know if this was a serious suggestion, but if it was it sounds dangerous and not based on anything Dr Harley advises.

You should NEVER deceive anyone into being trapped in a car with you and refuse to let them out. You should NOT travel on a speedy road where you need proper concentration for yourself, your passenger and other road users, and try to have what will inevitably be an emotional outpouring about this heartbreaking issue.

Dr Harley does not suggest that resolving being a "betrayed child" is necessary to coming to terms with your own marital betrayal, but if you think it is, then you need to talk to your mother in a safe situation.

Did she fight for you?

My kids are almost 9 and almost 3.

Oddly enough, I don't feel like she ever really fought for me. She thought that being faithful and remorseful should be enough.

Hmm, then I doubt that she valued marriage very highly... She was more worried about the loss of revenue!

How could you expect to resovle how being a BH when you never resovled being a BC, betrayed child?

Have it out with your mom.

I guess part of my problem is that I see how badly I hurt my stbx. Despite all of my angry, hateful rants...despite all of my revenge fantasies...despite how many times I wished her dead, it still kills me to know I did that to her. I know I did the right thing, but I hate knowing I crushed her almost as badly as she crushed me, even if she did have it coming.