I am the cheater. I am the coward who dealt my wife this most horrific blow rather than face our problems like a man. I was the one to selfish to see her pain instead of rationalizing my pain.

My wife of 18 years discovered on 11/11 that I had been flirting on-line, participating in cybersex, and even had two one night stands and a brief affair. By 11/15 she had decided to end it and continues on that path. No amount of apologizing, begging, pleading has softened her stance. I have been trying, in every way, to fill her love bucket. We separated on 12/6.

She wants to get this divorce done. I can only imagine how terribly I have hurt her. She says she can't be married to a man she doesn't trust and could never be intimate with me again. From everything I have read, six weeks in, it's still all so very new.

She has a new long-distance boyfriend. Mostly hours on the phone, a couple of dates. They started up one week after d-day

So am I wrong on wanting to slow this divorce down? What's the rush? I understand that I have totally screwed everything up. But we have been married 18 years and have two beautiful kids, and I love my wife dearly. Isn't that worth fighting for? But how? I am the betrayer..I would appreciate advice

Thanks
DT

You'd be much better off keeping one thread going, rather than starting another one on another forum which seeks advice for the same problem.

You are posting over Christmas, which is why you are not getting many replies. The board will pickup when posters have spent time with their families. In the meantime, I advise you to stick to your thread in Surviving an Affair.

I will just give you my impression, which is that if you describe your actions in this order of priority, it looks as if you do not realise the seriousness of what you have done:

"... I had been flirting on-line, participating in cybersex, and even had two one night stands and a brief affair. "

EVEN two one-night stands and a brief affair, placed after your online flirting?

So are you wrong in wanting to slow the divorce down?

Well, I would say that you did what you wanted and it led to your multiple affairs. Your wife has the right to do what she wants now. You made the choice to end your marriage when you got involved with other women. You knew that divorce could be the outcome and you chose to do those things anyway. You made choices, without consulting her, to abandon the marriage. You are now facing consequences that you knew might well follow.

What's the rush?

The rush is that she cannot wait to get away from you. Why should she stay with you if that is how she feels after what you have done?

You have been married for 18 years and have two beautiful kids. Isn't that worth fighting for?

Yes it is, and that is why you should not have had your affairs. Why do those things become worth fighting for only now? Why did you not protect your marriage and kids before?

Go back to your other thread and see if you can get advice on how to win your wife back to the marriage. I've been in her shoes and I chose to give my marriage another chance, but I empathise fully with those who feel that they cannot be with their unfaithful spouse after discovery. An unfaithful spouse shows exactly how little they care about the marriage and kids when they choose to discard those things for another person.

Tell us about the circumstances of each affair, starting with the first one. Tell us how you became involved, what you told yourself to allow yourself to do this to your wife, and how each affair ended.

Have the recent flirting and cybersex ended? How did you end them?

Do you have contact with any of your affair partners? Do you work with them or live near to them? Does your wife know who they are? Do you still visit the online places where you met women?

BW

Thanks...I am not sure if you were recommending I fill those details in on the old thread or here? Re-reading my post, I understand what you mean about prioritization. I wrote cybersex, on-line flirting, and cheating in that order to illustrate my escalation. Not the importance, clearly my behavior escalated to more damaging and hurtful as I went along.

And I never did think divorce was a potential outcome. that's how delusional I was. I wish I had been more rational and less self-centered.

DT

DT

I've posted a reply to you on your other thread in Surviving an Affair.