I have just joined so I really am not sure of what I need to do on here. But this is my situation. I have been married for 17 years. My husband is in the Navy and the first of March lwft to go on unaccompanied orders to Japan. We decided to do unaccomanied because our son is a junior in HS and we thought it it was the right thing to do. Well all seemed normal until June, I received an email, yes an email from my husband saying that he wanted out of our marriage. I was shocked and in disbelief. This has continued then on Oct 30 I found out that he was having an affair. (I signed on to his skype acct and she called him!) So of course he told me the affair was over but he still did not want our marriage. I decided that I would fly to Japan and meet the ship when they pulled in so I could try to save my marriage, I did not tell him that I was coming. Yes he was surprised but so was I, I found a note on his car from her telling him what hotel to meet her at that night! So once again he swears it is over. I went home but we had already planned for me and the kids to come over here over the holidays so I am back in Japan with my kids. He is staying at the hotel with us, he has been nice to me but dont want any type of emotional anything to me or from me. He maintains that he fell out of love with me. Oh yea, I now know that the affair started in April and he started telling this other woman that he loves her in June. I went to her work and confronted her, she too says it is over but I had called her the first time and she said that too so she is a liar too. She is married with kids also and she does not want her husband to find out. If my husbands command finds out then it could ruin his career and she says that her husband will go to his command. So I need help, I am going back to the states in a week and he will be here alone and with her still here. Should I just forget it and move on? I want my marriage but I just don't know how to save it from a different country. I am so angry right now that at times I just want to tell him good bye and just screw him anyway that I can. My kids are equally as hurt and confused. My son has tried to talk to him about it but he wont talk to him either about it. Please help!

Hi hopeful,

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but this is the absolutely BEST place to be under the circumstances. It's slow on the weekends and with Christmas holidays, it's even slower. Take a deep breathe, there is NOTHING you can do this exact moment that will make or break your M, but the timing IS short.

NO, you should NOT forget it and just move on if you want your M. I'm not familiar with the military rules if they change, but it is common practice here that A thrive on secrecy. The OW's husband has a RIGHT to know. Your M can survive the ANGER, BUT not the A or the secrecy.

What have you read on here. You seem to be getting the "same line" that we all get which can be so very comforting. ICKY but comforting.

Come here and vent your anger, stop any LOVEBUSTING. I am recommending Plan A, at least while you are trying to uncover and expose this A. If your WH wants to talk to you about D, tell him you want your M, you won't talk to him about D, that is for the attorneys to do.

How old are your kids?

thank you for your response. I have read surviving an affair part 1,2 and 3. What is plan A? Sorry I am clueless! I am trying not to lash out in anger but Im not doing a very good job at it. The more it festers inside of me and the more I see things that I know they were at together the angrier I get. I do want to save my marriage but I have been trying and trying to be the wife he said that I havent been. This has been going on since june and even when I found out about the affair I stood by him and said that we can make it through this. Then when I found out that he didnt end the affair and was still wanting her, I think all of the anger from everything has now filtered in me. There is times now that I don't know if I want to save my marriage. Some thoughts I do then at times I don't and those times are when i get really angry and want to cause him as much emotional pain that he ia causing me. It seems like all of the things that I have done that are positive through this, he doesnt seem to see them. But let me say or do one thing that is negative and he is all over it saying that I don't care and I just want to make him feel worse than he does. Im not sure that he does feel bad. Maybe that he got caught.
He did, after I threw a fit, sign on to his "secret" email acct and let me see who he had emails from. But he still wont answer my questions about her. I dont know maybe I shouldnt be asking about details but I want to know. he still maintains that he fell out of love with me before he started the affair. But it just so happened to be the same month. I don't know what else to do to see if he is lying and still seeing her. What kids of things can I ask him or what things can I do?
He has not said the word D but he is saying that he doesnt want the same things that I do, which is our M. He says that he doesnt think that he could ever be "in love" with me again and he doesnt think that I am or will ever be "in love" with him. I told him that he can do what he has to do but I am not giving up on our M. But I did also say that I am no longer going to let him do things that continue to hurt me.
My son is 16 and my daughter is 12.

Hopeful, I'm going to try to say this clearly, but as I type this, I don't know that I can.

If your wayward husband (WH) truly wants to recover your marriage, he must do certain things. The first is a VERIFIABLE policy of no contact -- forever -- with the other woman (OW). VERIFIABLE comes in the form of COMPLETE AND TOTAL OPENNESS AND HONESTY. Giving you the passwords and access to ALL email accounts is a step in the right direction. ANSWERING ALL OF YOUR QUESTIONS is another.

I am not going to advise you to have your WH come here, because I'm not convinced he's ready to recover your marriage. The line about falling out of love before the A began is the same tired bullchit ALL WS spout. The truth is that they were not having some of the emotional needs (EN) met, found someone else who met them, and then were consumed by the "alien mindset" that makes them spout such babble. And as long as they are in contact with the OW, they cannot think straight.

Plan A is the first of two steps a betrayed spouse (BS) takes in implementing a program of recovery for their marriage. There are two components to Plan A. Please take the time to read about the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A.

Let me warn you: This is extremely difficult and mentally and emotionally draining on the BS. It requires the suspension of the "Taker" and the action of the "Giver." That is why it has a specific time limit. In essence, you become 110% of the woman and wife your husband fell in love with and married. He will reject you, get angry with you, and try to push you away. You cannot get upset with him, argue or Love Bust (LB) in any way (do you see why this is so difficult?). At the same time, you do everything you can to learn about and expose the A. You do this by snooping, prying, and being stealthy. You do NOT tell him you are doing this. When you have PROOF POSITIVE of the A and the OW's identity, you go "nuclear" and start exposing it. Since he's in the military, you include his commanding officer and others in a position to apply pressure on WH (military vets will give you suggestions here). You contact OW's family, friends of his, his parents, etc. He will be enraged, but as they say here, your marriage can survive anger, it cannot survive and A.

I'm sorry, hopeful, but right now it's a one-way battle. Before any chance of recovery exists, all contact with the OW must be broken, your WH's withdrawal from it must be addressed, and you will be required to do the hardest work of your life in order to save your M. If that is what you want, then that is what you will have to do.

Fortunately, at MB you have an entire "army" online to help you. This is where you can come express your anger, frustrations, sorrow, hurt and more -- NOT to your WH. The wonderful folks here can be your 24 hour-a-day support group if you let them. Keep reading Surviving An Affair (SAA). Re-read it. Perhaps purchase His Needs Her Needs and/or Love Busters to help you better understand MB principles. At least read every article you can here (start by clicking on the Most Popular Links entries to the right of this forum).

Be brave. Be strong. You CAN have your marriage if you act quickly to do so. It's the holiday weekend, so responses will be slower than usual. But soon, some very wonderful people will read your story and begin helping you work the MB principles. If you FOLLOW THEIR ADVICE (especially when it seems to go against everything you believe in) then you have the best chance possible to save your marriage.

I'm rooting for you!

Hopeful,

I am sorry this is happening to you and your M. Like you, my H and I decided that H would take a military deployment that would have him away from home. At the time, we thought we were supporting each other, but it turned out to be a huge mistake.

I found out about my H's A in April 2008. I exposed the A to OW's H and my mother in law the same day. The OW's H was not surprised since it was his W's third affair that he knew about and he knew something was not right in the marriage. Ironically, if he had exposed his wife's previous affair with the two star general, I do not think the one with my H would have occurred. In any case, the physical aspect of the A ended that day. But it was months before NC was established and my H returned home. In the end, he decided to self-report the A, take his punishment and retire early.

Things have been very difficult since then and H contacted the OW a few weeks ago to "see if something was still there". (You may want to take a look at some of my early posts). However, this time I set the bar pretty high for him to stay in the marriage and so far he has done everything I have asked. We are planning on attending an MB weekend in Jan.

My advice (imperfect as it is because I made so many mistakes) at this point is to expose the A to the OW's H. I assume OW's H is in Japan. This will give another set of eyes on the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. It is part of the appeal. You may be surprised about what the OW's H does/does not know about what is happening and also about his response to the command (if any). Of course, your H does not want you to tell OW's H, because that would spoil the A. If you are not ready or willing to let the command know, you could still talk to your H's Chaplain. They are required to keep the information condifential, but could be another source of pressure for your H to stop the A.

A good book is Dr. Dobson's "Love Must be Tough". At the time I read it, I really did not see how it applied to me. But I wish I had implemented its concepts much sooner.

Best wishes to you and your family.

AM

We just returned from Japan. I know who the affair is with, I went to her work and confronted her. She told me of course that it was over too but I said she was a liar so what she said didnt mean anything to me. I had her write down her husbands name and cell number and where he worked down for me. I have not called him yet but I did call it to make sure it was the correct number.

My H says that the affair is over but he does not want to save our marriage. He says that he doesnt think we can ever love eachother again. So he does not want ny kind of contrsct because he says that he does not want to reconcile. He has said he was sorry but acts like that is all he owes me. But we were at the store waiting for our daughter who was in the fitting room and a lady walked by and he spoke to her then he said he was going to go find her so he could introduce us. He went around the store and found this lady that he works with and brought her back and introduced me to her (saying "this is my wife") then at the airport when we were leaving he grabbed my arm and winked at me. But he swears that he is not playig mind games with me. There have been several things like this happen.

I am going to go later to purchase the recommended books mentioned on here. I feel like my head is spinning so much that I dont really know what to do. A part of me says to do plan A but then another part tells me to do plan B and let him see that he cant have his cake and eat it too. He seems to want to email me little emails about the kids but does not want to discuss our situation. I dont want to just be his friend, I want to be his friend and wife.

I am so scared to go to my H command, I dont know what they will do and I dont know what it will mean for me and my kids. I think I will contact the Chaplain though, you are right, they have to keep it confidential.

Am I suppose to do anything other than hit reply?