(((((Krazy))))),

BU77CHIT!!!!!

There is no possible way that you leaving even COMPARES to what you walked into.

Where do you get this idea???....

You did not get a vote on what she did....she choose this path for the both of you....

Krazy, I am sorry that you are hurting. I am sorry you feel this way.

Are you getting some IC for this??....

Are your kids???..

What are doing to help YOU???...Working out??....Maybe a hobbie you like??...how about a divorce class??....maybe a martial arts class for you and the boys???...

And remember, when your kids ask you, it is important you tell them WHY this happened. Do not carry the burden of her actions. And do not let her make you out to be the bad guy....very FEW can regain their marriage after an affair. Even fewer under the circumstances you faced....

((((Krazy)))))

not2fun

Krazy, if you can see that you have crushed your wife, then you can see that she was not still with you after D Day for money or a respectable life. There was more to it than that for her; much more, by what you describe.

If you cannot live with the hurt you have caused to your wife and kids, why not stop hurting them?

You are finding no relief in making them hurt. You are not hurting less.

NOT being the cause of their hurt will make you feel more at peace. You will hurt less - about them, at least, and that will be a big relief. I speak from my own experience on this.

When you decided to leave, you could not have known that you would feel like this today, instead of feeling relieved. It might be that you made a mistake by leaving, and you could only have found that out by trial and error. Of course when you left you thought you would begin to recover, but that is not happening. Why not try to correct the mistake?

This does not match up with.....


or this...




Sorry to point this out, but its true. IF your WW had ever been truly remorseful, her current behavior wouldn't be happening. She is quite capable of figuring out how to overcome this pain which she inflicted instead of putting a bandaid on it and calling it "healed".....she has no idea of the trauma she inflicted, but its on HER to figure it out....

I'm sorry, but this just burns me up. I was in pain, you were in pain, yet we "somehow" managed to find MB, the books, the help needed, there is NO EXCUSE why the WS can't. Look to L4, Ivetz, and others to see that it can be done. You WW would rather have her pity party and "woe-is-me" song and dance, instead of doing the work to keep her family together. And it is something that can be done even if you have seperated from her.....

not2fun
_________________________

N2F has some very good points there Krazy.

The fact that you are hurting so much tells us what a good person you are inside. You have a conscience - it's a shame your WW didn't.

If this really bothers you that much, then maybe this isn't really what you want. Would she be willing to try again if you wanted to?

Did you try any MB stuff? Like the MB weekend?

Just a thought....

I agree with N2F. If your wife is really hurting, how could she be on the prowl already. Look at behavior, not words.

Not's point is that that if she were really hurting, she would have tried harder to save the marriage and compensate Krazy.

MY point is that if Krazy can see how much she is hurting, then perhaps there is a marriage to be saved.

Yes, but as Not points out, if she is already out on the prowl, "socializing", one has to question if she is just putting on an act, re the hurting. She's been dishonest in the extreme in the past, after all.

Sorry, Krazy. I had one of those moments when I read a post completely backwards. Ignore my last comment, please!

Krazy,
Some vets here say for some - divorce is the recovery.

I don't think what you're feeling has to do with your stbx but has more to do with your kids and this time of year (you posted Dec. 25). If you were to go back and read your original threads you may feel differently today.

You can't rewrite the history with WW. The best gift to your kids is a healthy whole father.

Gg

gg has it right.....

I have been here nearly as long as Krazy and have followed his story from the get-go. While I do not discount his wife's pain (and I do believe she is hurt by this D.....), unfortunately it was something she did not take into consideration, as most waywards don't, when she decided to boink OM, while pregnant, in Krazy's home.

A lot of BS's cannot recover from the betrayal. I would bet the majority cannot having witnessed what Krazy did. He tried to recover. He put a lot of time and effort into it. So did his wife, but sometimes, that just isn't enough. And to me, it doesn't take away from his character one iota by calling it quits.

Yes, the best thing for Krazy at this point is to heal himself. It can be done. He does not need his WW in order to do this.

Krazy would be crazy if he didn't feel any guilt over this...but this guilt is misplaced at this point. As far as trying again, his WW ACTIONS at this point tells me he shouldn't even put himself or his kids through that. She has been emailing an old flame, bashing Krazy and engaging in sexual innuendo's....and the D has barely begun. While his kids may HATE what they are going through now, they would hate it much more if he were to try again, fail, and then leave again.

To me, the idea of possible reconciliation should come from his WW, not Krazy......and if Krazy considers maybe doing that, the best thing he could do for himself, is write out NOW what his conditions would be in order for that to happen.

(((((Krazy))))).....

I hope the holiday got easier for you. My prayers are with you and your family......

not2fun

Krazy, please don't beat yourself up for not staying. You experienced a great trauma; and OMG to have seen it with your own eyes. I cannot even imagine that. I have invisioned my FWH and his XOW millions of times with images that I have created on my own, but to have seen it must have been terribly painful. Your FWXW is lucky that she lived to tell about her stupid romp in the hay with some nasty OM who didn't think enough of her than to screw her in her H bed. You are a trooper to even still be talking to her. I tell you, if I had witness my DH in the act of his A, I really don't believe he nor she would have lived to tell about it.

Your children will be fine. I just pray that your FWXW seeks help and finds out why she has so little respect for herself and M. Your FWXW doesn't deserve you. She not only violated your M but she violated your home.

Don't ever mistake compassion for another's pain as weakness.

It is hard to feel both positively and negatively towards someone at the same time. Usually you have positive feelings and negative feelings. Now there must be SOME good feelings to WS in there, even way down deep. So on the day a good feeling is there, on a day you are aware of her pain, you feel bad. Simply because you have a compassionate heart and someone is in pain.

You feel this way about strangers, when you see them in pain. Why? You don't know them, why would you not just feel ambivalent towards them? You have a compassionate heart, and seeing pain brings YOU pain.

Couple that with the very strong feelings (positive and negative) for your WS. Couple that with the fact that this is the first "broken Christmas," a more, btw that is dictated by society. Why would EXPECT to feel any different?

OK. It hurts and that sucks. But at least you know your heart is still working...

Often people thing that divorce is the easy choice after adultery. Perhaps it's because marital recovery is so hard. But the truth is there are no easy choices after adultery. None. Adultery is never easy or painless, regardless of what you do to attempt to cope with it. Plan D doesn't make the pain go away. And holiday times suck the most because you feeli it all over again. The guilt you feel is just another knife in your back, placed there by your WXW when she was screwing OM. The fact that you are capable of this guilt is testament to your awesome character. It still sucks, but it's because you are a decent, caring, compassionate human being.

Krazy

I don't think you have crushed your wife. I read back and I think you have inconvenienced and disappointed her.

"crushed" is losing forty pounds in two months, never sleeping, waking nightmares in cold sweats, suicidal and murderous thoughts, having every assumption about God and man shmashed in shards like a tray of crystal glasses thrown in an empty swimming pool.

"Crushed" is what she did to you.

She appears entirely functional, if inconvenienced and already moving on. That sounds pretty healthy for a STBX spouse who has no real intention of making a recovery effort actually.

Don't kid yourself, K, you lost the power to "crush" your FWW when she decided to have her PA in your house.

Move on, mate.

All blessings

Ditto what Bob said.

Your conscience s/b clean. Party like a ROCKSTAR!!! Its all about you except on the days when you have your kids. Live life like the miracle it is!!! It is great!! DUDE

Beautifully said Bob, it brought tears to my eyes.
Krazy's wife and my H should be together. Like her my H moved on and yes, it is only mildly inconvenienced by me having told the world about his A, but he still manages very well, ignoring all the people who know. He is actually able to have lunch with them at the workplace (everybody knows at the workplace where we both work) and laugh and pretend they do not know. And of course, collegues do not say anything to him. Some actually choose not to interact with him, but the majority do or have to. And H plows along as if he is the best guy in the world. He was entitled to his hapiness.
I am sorry for you Krazy, but with people like our WS, we are better off without them. Even for our kid's sake.
Their actions speak volumes.
I too felt guilty till yesterday.. for being a nag and never happy (H's words). But tell yourself as much as you can that you did your best and they chose the worst of punishments for us and their kids and families.
blessing

The words of your children and be heart wrenching but you have no reason to feel guilty. I agree with those that said the holidays bring out sentimental feelings and WW is feeling more inconvienced than crushed.

Happy New Year Krazy! :happynewyear: