Thank you, TB. I was wanting to hear from someone about what he was thinking, especially from a man's point of view and I would take anyone's point of you right now. I can't believe how much this is tearing me up inside. I know I shouldn't let it but I can't help it. I try to stay calm and take deep breaths and it does help some because I haven't cried yet so that is one point for me. At least he doesn't know how this is affecting me so I guess that is another point for me.

WH wants to know when he can come get his stuff and his guns and I told him the 10th becaus eI will be working that day and it gives me enough time to get the electric and cell phone in my name before then so if he gets mad about anything I am safe from him turning anything off.

Would appreciate what anyone else is thinking on what I have said and done and what they think about what WH has said.

Leaving it in God's hands and still hoping and praying.

Remind me again, are you in Plan A or B?

I am in plan B. I know I shouldn't have answered his texts but I was just letting him know that I had dropped him from the insurance. I figured it wouldn't hurt to answer about the bills too, boy was I wrong. That was when he asked if I would ever get past hating him. I said, "I never hated you just the opposite. But we cannot be friends as long as you are with her. I have already told you everything else and you know where you stand." I probably shouldn't have answered but I didn't want him thinking I hated him. This is what is tearing me up, me loving him.

Traci,
Plan B is to protect YOU from HIS and OW drama. By you allowing contact only hurts you but satifies him. He can't take your Plan B seriously if you don't stick to it. Have you ever talked to OWH? Did their D become final?

Gg

Never talked to OWH and don't care to. From what I can gather they talk and are friendly. Staying out her life and drama. Do know this much, OWH filed for D 10/14/2009 but noting else has happened since. I can look up all cases on line and see what is happening and I checked last week and the only thing that has happened is that he has filed his paperwork only. It takes a minimum of 3 months to get divorced in Florida if you have children. They haven't gone to counseling yet so it is going to be months before they get divorced.

I know that I shouldn't have answered his texts but I did and I am paying for it. There was no drama on his end except for wanting to know if I would ever get past hating him. I know, Iknow, I was stupid. I just wasn't expecting him to say that. I haven't physically talked to him or seen him in months and I don't plan on it until I see him at the courthouse. Still haven't heard anything about the divorce yet, but probably will soon.

I am up bright and early for work. Feel a little better but my eyes are puffy. They should go down as the day goes on. Feel like a real idiot.

OK everyone. WH wants to reconcile. He has left OW. I told him we had a lot of work rodo and a lot of talking todo. The one thing that I told him was he couldn't have any contact with OW for the rest of his life. He agreed to this. Said that he hs always thought of me and has been feeling guilty the whole time and that he knew that he has hurt me horribly. Told him we would talk tonight after I got off of work tonight. Need help with a plan of action.

Where is he living?

He is at a friend named Chris's house. Has to get his stuff from her place while she is at work.

Have you read the thread about avoiding a false recovery?
here

You may get him back and realize you dont want him now. I'm not saying its a certainty, but manage your expectations. He has gone wayward and is changed forever...Be careful! DUDE

Yes, read the false recoveries thread. I went through it 5 times... him back and forth for an entire year.

The OW will not give up... regardless of what she says. She'll say things to him like "I just want you to be happy" and "I'll glady step aside if that's what you really want."

OW are snakes. They are manipulative and cunning. Don't be surprised if she says she's sick or suicidal or whatever just to get him to break NC or to stop by and pick up something. Read Queenie's thread on this.

And him -- if he says to leave him alone for a while or he needs space or he doesn't want to leave the house with you or go places with you -- watch out. He will contact her behind your back.

He's got to really, really do the work. You cannot and should not do the heavy lifting. I tried to "fix" it with everyone for him and it got me no where. He has to fix it and WANT TO fix it.

This is not the MB way, but if I had to do it over again, I would have insisted that I be there when he tells the OW that he is done with her. That way, she sees me in the role of wife. OW thought and still thinks that I'm a no body. I think if WH had said to her face, with me right there so it was implanted in her stupid brain that I"M THE WIFE, she may have backed down. She -- I know this is bad to say -- but she really needed to be humiliated in front of me for her to stay away from me and my family.

Instead, their interactions were between just them and still are.

Good luck, girl. I am rooting for you!!!

Traci,
Print out this article and give it to him to follow:

Harley response to wayward wife on rules to follow for recovery

He needs to agree to O&H, Transparency etc. Also question why he wants to come back - is it because he truly realize he was losing you or is it because he's losing all his conveniences. Be very cautious.

Good link by Pepper.

Gg

WooHoo Traci!!


Lets hope he is changed forever!!



Yes make him work for it. No mothering. He will only respect himself if he owns his mistakes and earns his place in the marriage. That includes his seeing the consequences he caused.

Remember that you deserve to be treasured and cherished. Don't rush back into this. Follow the advice from the vets and be very clear about what you expect from him. Don't be so quick to forgive that you let him get away with anything because you feel sorry for him. Letting him be off the hook is NOT respecting him and his role as a Husband.


I am so happy for ya gurl

Wow, that was fast!
Now make sure you do a good R
blessing

It seemed so obvious that he would be back to me. Traci spoiled the hell out of him. This now is a time tha they can work on a balance that will leave him with self respect,(because he will have to want and work for it bAY--BEE) and help Traci to be spoiled a little bit now.

"A Three-fold cord is not easily broken" Traci,WH and God..

Hi Traci,

This is good. A great opportunity. You've worked hard and deserve the fruits of your labor. As others have mentioned, make sure he does the work to earn his return. (Mantra for waywards - "Earn Your Return"??? Sorry, I digress, once again.....)

Since I'm still tussling with WW's A, I am not exactly your resident expert on plan creation. That being said, some things that come to mind:

1. No contact letter - written and mailed; some opt for the more personal interaction so that BS can be a part of that sayonara convo....

2. MB weekend? Could there be some value in BOTH OF YOU getting that hands-on assistance?

3. Commitment to work on marital recovery - can't just come back for his med's and nicer wheels. Has to come back because he wants to be a part of a REAL M. Ask and LISTEN.

4. Forgiveness/Contrition - he has inflicted much pain on you and needs to make amends for his destructive behavior. Where this falls on the timeline of M recovery is a bit beyond my spectrum, but without it, you may develop a keen sense of resentment.

5. Does he have an action plan regarding how to clean up HIS SIDE OF THE FENCE? Does he know WHY he strayed, and does he know how to rebuild proper boundaries?

Bottom line, Traci, is that this is YOUR OPPORTUNITY to communicate what you need FROM HIM. You don't want this to become a false recovery, so like I said, make him EARN HIS RETURN.

You've been so strong, and determined through this whole journey. You deserve to be a success story. Stay steadfast and keep reaching out as you begin this new phase. If you know my story, you know I'm trying to get Mrs. TB off the fence and back home. She's been teetering, but I just can't seem to nudge her over the edge (and I don't mean "edge of a cliff"...)

TB

Sorry that I haven't posted in a couple of days since WH wanted to reconcile. WH said that he has not been happy and has felt guilty the whole time he was gone. Said he didn't think I felt the way I did about him. He thought our marriage was over and never meant for what happened to happen. I told him that he should have been talking to me and that I had been trying to work on our marriage and that he wasn't. WH talked for hours and opened up about everything he felt. Said OW couldn't go on feeling the guilt of what she had done to me. Said that OW marriage was over before WH came into the picture. WH said he has to get over the feelings he has for OW before we can go on. Told him that he was going to through withdrawl and that it wasn't going to be easy but he couldn't have any contact with her. He agreed. Told him that he had to be transparent about everything. WH hasn't slept in 3 days and it is starting to show. He looks older. I know we are going to make mistakes along the way but we are going to try. H is now on zoloft and took first dose yesterday. We are taking hte first step by talking and we are going to work on the Rule of Protection and POJA. I have explained this to him and he has agreed to it. He has agreed to go to IC for several reasons. Still hoping and praying.