I am summarizing this the best I can otherwise it would take days to read. My first sexual experience was rape and my mother blamed me. The rape left me unable to have children. Ever since then I have dealt with numerous issues depression, OCD, eating disorder, etc. Aside from that I am a stable person and have always had a job and a been in a committed relationship. I struggle with my issues daily but keep my head above water most of the time.

In a 10 year relationship now. 4 years into it I found out he was cheating with a few different women (we were engaged at this time). He never admitted to having sex with them but said he "talked" to them (whatever). I forgave him and three months later, I married him. Became deeply depressed. He is very controlling of me and anything I do. He takes many personal trips. I found myself becoming involved with other (unattached) men at times while he was gone. Why??? I became more depressed and guilty. I know this is sexual addiction. I know it is wrong. I moved out and we are seperated. He is telling me to come back. I can't come clean about any of this. It will get very ugly and living with him has already left me financially burdened. He on the other hand is in very good financial standing. I need to divorce on the best possible terms in order to re-coup what little I had financially. I need to move on but find myself thinking I could go back and try again. It would be dangerous if he ever found out about any of my other relationhips. I also find myself thinking I need a clean slate and fresh start. I'm so lost and don't know which way to turn.

Dangerous in what way?

A marriage without openness and honesty is doomed to fail.

If you are so afraid of "coming clean" now, why weren't you afraid when you were commiting adultery? Is your main worry financial?

I know you are correct about the honesty. He would never be honest with me now and wasn't before. So if I am honest with him and he isn't honest with me...it still won't work. Correct?

It won't work if I come clean. He will either hurt me physically, financially, or both. So in other words...we are doomed to fail.

If you think this is true, then get out. Get out now. There's no point in either of you trying to repair what sounds like a terribly dysfunctional marriage.

It is dysfunctional. I agree and I am 50% of the problem. I guess I need to break free of it and put the bad stuff behind me so I can start working on being a better person.

Gemini,
Your history demonstrates the cycle of behavior that is a repeated pattern (probably from generation to generation). YOU can break the cycle by changing you. Start with some self help books, look up support groups. I really liked Dr. Phil's "Life Strategy" book. Some people don't like him but he's got the credentials to back up his area of expertise.

Gg

Yes, it is a behavior cycle. I have purchased a couple books on sexual addiction and they are helpful. I will check into Dr. Phil's book this evening. Had to hide my other books from my husband because if he caught me reading them, he would freak out over the title alone. He also has his own addiction issues with an adult internet relationship website, except he refuses to admit he has a problem. He has a long list of people (girls) he chats with regularly. At least I can admit I have a problem...now I want to work on correcting it. I just wish I wasn't in such a rural area so I could attend a therapy group.