I've read a lot on this website and it has helped tremendously. I am sort of in a state of limbo right now and just looking for some advice, so here is my story, this will be long:

My wife and I have been married 14 years with two DD ages 8 and 11.

In June 2009, my oldest DD played on a softball team. All summer we went to tournaments and my WW and I were involved with the team as much as possible with my WW doing a lot more administrative type work(I just helped at practices). Anyhow, through the course of that month I noticed that she would receive some texts and phone calls from the coach(which would eventually be OM but I will explain later). I knew this because for the most part they would talk or text when I was around and it didn't appear she was hiding anything.

I would ask what OM wanted at which she would say they were talking softball. This bothered me a little but nothing I couldn't handle.

In July, 2009 our tournament season continued and I noticed an increasing amount of conversations and texts between the coach and my WW. I decided to check her cell phone records online and noticed a lot more texts and phone calls were being made when I was not around.

I confronted her about this(at that time in a LB sort of way) at which she would say she needed to speak with him about softball and it was nothing else.

Our season ended in early August 2009 and I thought things would simmer down however several parents, us and this coach(OM) decided to start a league of our own. Needless to say the texting and talking continued but it appeared to go on more than ever. Especially when she was not around me.

When I expressed my concern she would get agitated and tell me I was being unreasonable as she had to speak to him in order to get our league organized. I personally felt she was setting herself up for an affair and told her such. We were fighting almost every day. More than we ever have. I was contemplating leaving.

Early September 2009, I had a knee scope and was layed up for about 6 weeks. It is during this time that I realized I needed to change myself. I have let these phone conversations get the best of me and I knew I could be a better husband than I was. I would engage in many LB's such as Angry Outbursts and I know now that I was making withdrawls at an alarming rate.

We attended many meetings throughout September to organize our league and all was going well but the texting and talking continued. It upset my WW that I checked on her as she denied she was doing anything wrong. I felt she was having an EA with this coach.

On September 20, 2009 my WW grandmother passed away. My WW was closer to her grandmother than her own mother as she has told me this after the funeral. WW grandmother's health had deteriorated over the last two years and we all knew she could succomb to her ailments at any time. My WW did a lot for her over the last two years. Lots of visits at nursing homes and hospitals and I know how tough it was.

During the viewing and funeral I noticed that OM(coach)texted my WW several times. I felt VERY uncomfortable about this but let it go due to the situation. Later in the week, I noticed two texts OM(coach) sent her at 330am which my WW did not respond to. I asked her what was said in these messages but she stated she "didn't remember" but it was nothing inappropriate but did agree that it was not acceptable for this coach(OM) to text at these times. I expressed my concern over the texts during the viewing at which my WW stated it was the OM and OMW just telling her they were there for her if she needed anything(this was later found to be a lie).

About a week later I confronted the coach after practice. I was very calm and cool and just expressed to him that I felt he and my wife talked and texted way too much. He agreed and apologized for the texts at 330am. I told him that I understood they would have to talk from time to time as my wife was now the head of our new league but they needed to keep it to a minimum. He agreed and thought she called him too much in the summer but though I was OK with it. He apologized again and stated he would keep the texting to a minimum.

Later that night I told my WW about the conversation and she appreciated my effort to make things work. I guess my kindness is my weakness as this only lasted into the first week of October and they started up again. But now they were pretty much exclusively when I was not around.

My annivesary comes and goes on October 07 and we come home from dinner with her hugging me telling me just needs to find that "spark" again. For the next few weeks I am really coming into my own showing how things could be for us. Leaving her love notes, buying flowers, sending texts, leaving voicemails, buying some small candles that she likes, just making as many deposits as I can in an attempt to find that "spark" from her.

She really enjoyed when I held her, rubbed her feet etc. There was SF several days a week but the texting and talking continued with the coach(OM). She would tell me things that she was confused and needed to find that spark but enjoyed all of the attention I was giving her.

This continued through November 2009 but she would clam up if I brought up the talking and texting. She continued to claim it was softball related and I was out of line for thinking her relationship with this coach was more than softball. She could still not find her spark for me.

About the third week of November I noticed that she was looking up prepaid cell phones on the internet. I asked her about this at which she told me she was contemplating getting a phone for our youngest(8 years old). What 8 year old needs a phone? Anyhow she knew I was a little upset and assured me that what I was thinking was false and that she even took me upstairs an hugged me on the bed for awhile.

On November 20th, the kids were getting ready for school, she was upstairs getting ready for work and I was downstairs just having some coffee. I decided that I would start her car for her since it was cold(love deposit). I opened her purse and on the very top I found a cell phone that was not hers...it was the prepaid one she looked up a week ago. My heart sank and I haven't even turned it on yet. It was like she didn't even try to hide it.

I turned it on and found 7 messages. 3 she sent and 4 from OM(yes the coach). Those were sent the night before when I went out with a friend for about 2 hours. Basically they had both told each other that they loved one another. None were sexual in nature.

I ran upstairs, with phone in hand and heart pounding out of my chest. I showed her the phone and her facial expression was more than words could ever say. She took the kids to school and came back. She admitted that she called OM to tell him that I found the phone. She told me she just bought it the day before and haven't even had it for 24 hours. She said she had feelings for him and me both. No wonder why she couldn't find her spark for me. Needless to say it was a very emotionally charged morning. She left to go to work with me sitting at home contemplating my next move.

That morning I immediately went into exposure mode. I told everyone....MIL, my mother, friends, and OMW. My WW and I knew OMW through softball and they have a daughter that played on the team. Through my conversation with her she told me he has done this to her before with three other women...WOW. She also stated that she was suspicious of a former player of his he was meeting at the local bar. Surprise, Surprise.

My WW comes home early that day and we are both a wreck. In the middle of our discussion at lunch my MIL shows up. She is also a wreck. I have a very good relationship with my WW family. Over the next days I receive many phone calls from friends of ours who related that they had not clue what my WW wife doing. They pledged support and prayed we would make it through this. I eventually find out from my WW that OM was just there to listen to her. They started to meet in his truck and kissed and touched each other several times but she claims shs did not sleep with him. NC was established via phone call on November 20.

That night I went to sleep in another room. My wife begged me for forgiveness. She layed next to me and we subsequently made love like never before(what was up with that?). The next two weeks were rough. I was not making many love deposits but I wasn't withdrawing them much either. I was still in a state of shock. The I discovered this website, what a help it has been!

After reading some articles and looking around in the forums I decided to forgive my wife for what she did, I told her that she was forgiven. I guess it was time to continue Plan A.

I have spoken to OMW two more times due to an odd cell number showing up on the records however it checked out OK. My WW was uspset about that and feels I should fully trust her, I do have reservations but full trust is not there yet. When she is upset or in a corner, my WW still tells me she doesn't know if she wants to be married anymore and I have to admit it hurts a lot when she says it. Then a few hours later she'll tell me how much she loves me and that the changes that I have made has caused her to stay with me. She tells me to keep doing what I'm doing because she loves it.

There is plenty of SF and we hold each other every night while we sleep. We haven't held each other like that in a while. She is in counseling for herself and tells me she just needs time to fix herself.

I have found out recently that she has been lying to some of our friends. My friend, his wife and I were talking and I learned that my WW told them that I wouldn't let her go with me to a local store because OM's house is in view of it. I never even said that at all. I spoke with her about this and she denied she said that then eventually told me it's how she perceived it when I was going to the store? I told her it didn't make sense what she did. It is at this point where she tells me that she isn't sure what she wants and needs a few days to think. I offered up a boat load of suggestions of where she could go but she didn't want to leave. I said I would go(even though I don't want to) but she said not to.

She then goes on to say she needs to fix herself. All the while I am not engaging in any LB's and talking very calmly with her. This seems to agitate her more at which she gets angry and calls me some names..oh well. A few hours later she tells me how much she loves me and that what I do is what keeps her with me. She admits that she has it very well with me and loves the attention I show her. She asks me to be patient and also asks "How long will you wait?" Talk about confusing. She apologizes for what she says as she knows it's hurtful but then she says it's how she feels. My WW refuses to acknowledge she had an EA with OM since July and states is was not an affair at all since they did not sleep together.

I am also concerned about a friendship she currently has with a 22 year old girl.(met through softball) My WW is 34. The girl is single and goes out a lot. She asks my WW to go but she usually does not. The text and talk periodically and it is just odd to me. Maybe I am overreacting.

I have snooped and snooped and have found nothing that would indicate she is talking with OM or anyone else.

What bothers me is that she says those hurtful things only to retract them later. She says to stick around and she will snap out of it but she does not know what is wrong with her.

On December 12 we were both best man/maid of honor in a friends wedding. We had an awesome time. She looked great. We danced and really enjoyed each other. The rehearsal dinner and wedding will be unforgettable. We have both told each other this.

How much longer do I hold on to Plan A and go to Plan B. I just don't want it to backfire on me. I felt like Plan A has been in place since September. Do I ignore her when she says those things and stay the course or Plan B it. A good friend is going away next week and offered his house to me if needed.
If you stuck around this long to read this, God bless you!!

Any help would be appreciated.

Me: 35
WW: 34
D-Day: November 20, 2009
Married: 14 years

Zak,
Hold on....one of the Vet's will be around shortly with some excellent advice

Welcome to MB Zak, it's an awesome place to be in under the circumstances.

I agree with Jo, the vets will be around and tell you what to do. Make sure you DO NOT leave your HOUSE.. NO matter what. YOU DO NOT LEAVE....

However, I can address some of your questions. Plan A is done in a relatively short amount of time. Melody is one of the best for knowing this timing.

As for going into Plan B, answer yourself the following questions. How are you going to get your WW out of the house? Do you have your intermediary picked out. Do they understand what their job is. Are you prepared financially to be in Plan B. Are all things lined up so to speak so that you can be DARK in Plan B. By that I mean, you won't be able to speak, see or hear about W. Do you have your visitation etc worked out, do you have daycare set up for your children should you be the single parent.

IGNORE EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH.

WATCH her ACTIONS.

Blow her world apart and show her the door.

Vets, am I way off?

Zak

I am by no means one of the vets but I want to give you my 2 cents worth here.

In my opinion, you should have done some snooping (investigating) to gather more intel before you exposed. The more concrete evidence you have the more nuclear the exposure you can do. Now, the A will go further underground and it will be harder for you to gather intel.

I suggest these things: put a gps device on her vehicle, put a voice activated recorder in her car, a keylogger on your computer and you might want to check into something called "flexispy". I don't know that much about the last one but, I have done a little reading on it. You may want to as well.

Your W is having an A--there is no doubt. As to what extent, not sure on that one yet.

Order SAA from this website and start reading. You will want to try to get your WW to read as well. DO NOT direct her to this website--yet. You want to have a private place to get advice/vent etc without worrying about her reading your private thoughts and or tactics.

That's about all I have for now. Just be vigilant and gather more information.

Your wife/family need to seperate yourself from the softball team. She will never be able to end the A with continued contact with OM. So, you have to get away from that. Period. Also, you want to get your WW to write a NC (no contact) letter to OM and let you read it and mail it.

Order the book today and you may also want to consider counseling with the Harleys.
Sorry you are here but this is a wonderful place for support and ideas to help you save your marriage.

hi im really new to this but in a similar situation apart from it was my h who had ea refuses to say it was an a though intersted to read replies but can understand the not trusting and h thinkin i should i found out by snoopin at phone and findin inapropiate photos of ow which h said ow was hopin to take their relationship to next level

Zak,
You did the first correct thing and that was exposure. This is the quickest way to squash the fantasy AP had going. Do not believe anything your WW is telling you. She is having an EA with OM and has not gone through withdrawal. As a result she wavers spewing nonsense to you (and not commiting to you fully). You cannot forgive as she has not earned forgiveness (read link below). You need to printout Harley's response and give it to you WW so she understands what it will take to recover a Marriage. Ask your MC if can work with you on MB concepts. My MC did but I didn't know about it at the time to ask for it.

Plan A&B
Plan A & Plan B

Pepper's Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Harley's reponse to wayward wife on what it takes to recover marriage

Why We Can't Forgive & Forget

Check out the Notable Post Forum as it also has good info for Newbies to MB.

Gg

StillDawn

The A is over. At least I have not seen or discovered any evidence that would lead me to think otherwise.

We have left the softball league. It is done. Sort of sucks because both of my DD's are really good.

I do appreciate the tips on trying to gather more intel. I will keep you up to date on what happens.

Thanks to all of those responding. Sometimes I can just "throw in the towel" but with encouragement from our frineds they tell me to keep fighting....this is been a rollercoaster for sure.

Zak,
It took two years for my M to R from my FWH's EA. You will go through many phases (as I did) and the good people here can help you. Keep reading here...

Gg

Zak

That is good. I'll admit that after a while, I just scanned your thread so I may have missed alot--I sort of have ADD--LOL.

Remember that A's thrive in the dark and shedding some light on it can and will drive it further underground. It is like a drug addict looking for that next fix of crack--nothing matters and they will stop at nothing to get it.

At a minimum, I still suggest that you put a gps on car and voice activated recorder in her vehicle. She will lie to you about anything/everything and not blink. Just please remember this. Do not GIVE your trust as she needs to re-earn this.

Do your d's know why they had to leave the league? Is there another one they can get into or a different sport they could get involved in? It's a shame that their mothers actions took them from something they enjoy so much especially since it is not their fault.

StillDawn

I have a possible option for them to play tournament ball. They can always play league play but the tournament ball was really up their alley.

Any suggestions on where to hide the recorder in the car?

Velcro a VAR under the seat. Make sure that it is quiet and that the batteries will last.

Please understand that your wife is in withdrawal at this stage. Effectively she is an addict going cold turkey. Practice your lovebuster control until she emerges out of the fog.

The wild sex that you are having is called Hysterical bonding -this is good for your marriage. When she emerges from her fog, both of you should try to go to an MB weekend course. This will explain everything to both you and her about EA's.

gg615

Read the carrot/stick portion of Plan A. It did clarify some things for me. Thanks.

Things are confusing though. When I say I Love You she does say it back. Today is a day where she seems to be a little distant so I am giving her a little space. I will be more upbeat as I do have up and down moments myself and she can see that which puts her into self-defense mode.

It seems like every other day I bring up something about our marriage and it turns into her getting upset and telling me she's not sure if this is what she want anymore.

Would it be a good idea to try and put a good string of days together and focus on being positive as opposed to talking marriage stuff?

This has been very difficult to say the least...

Zak
Have you order the book SAA? If you haven't, then I recommend that you do so. You can get it from this website or a local book store. It's inexpensive and is packed full of helpful information. This should be a priority.

I am BY FAR no vet but I can pass on some information that they had passed to me while I was in Plan A. They told me that there is great power in touch. Make sure that you touch her throughout the day. A brush up as you walk past her, a hand lightly on her cheek. Also, for right now, in Plan A there should be NO relationship talk. You can state that you are willing to work through this and forgive her, but nothing about whose fault things were and the things that were done wrong in the past. They told me to say things like "I believe in a marriage with only 2 people, would you like some cheesecake." This quickly states what you believe but then you change the subject.

If SHE brings up the relationship talk, then only talk while she wants to otherwise you risk LBing her and losing any credit you may have in her love bank.

This is a hard thing to go through and I will tell you that I wish I had had MB 2 years ago when all of his craziness began. Over the past 2 years I have done all of the LBing and I exposed to my WH the ways I had been figuring out what he was doing. All this did was give him more ammo as to why he shouldn't be with me anymore and he hid his affair so deeply that it took a keylogger(which he discovered after only 2 hours) and a VAR(he found it in the car but not in the house). I recorded conversations and found out that this "friendship" had turned sexual and that he was calling OW while I was at work from our home phone so I couldn't track his calls like I had with the cell phone. It went DEEP underground but I still found out. I came out of my denial and have taken steps to TRY to recover my M.

Listen to the vets on here. They really know what they are talking about. When I thought my WH was different, they told me the things he would do and they were ALWAYS right.

I hope for a Recovery for your M.

Scotland

I appreciate the advice. I am interested in what some of you might think about what my wife is going through right now. She had one IC appointment and was told she has ADD which surprised both of us.

Since it has been 5 weeks since D-Day could she still be going through a state of withdrawl? And how long does this usually last?

Christmas Eve was a bad day for her as a normal family tradition came to an end due to her grandmother passing away in September, this understandably bothered her. I made plans with some friends and we went to their house and played some board games for awhile. We laughed a lot and she later told me she appreciated going out like that.

As far as things go, during her EA she would always take her cell everywhere in the house with her, now she lets it sit out and even keeps it downstairs while she is in the shower or doing whatever. Lately, she lets her text messages get full and offers to show them to me before she deletes them. Sometimes I look, sometimes I don't. I have even compared what was on her phone to what is on the phone statement and they always match up.

It just bothers me when she says she is not sure what she wants but at the end of the day wants to be held and tells me she loves me...that can get confusing but maybe she is still a little foggy.

Do not say "I love you" more than usual. Meet her needs first - NOT YOURS.

Zak, this is my opinion and my opinion only: Any counselor who uses the ADD/ADHD "excuse" should be avoided. Next, they'll want to start prescribing medications to address this condition, which means turning the patient into a speed freak.

I'm no physician, but to me, ADD seems to be the "diagnosis de jour" and is an excuse for counselors to avoid doing real work. Whatever did society do before everyone suddenly became ADD?

If she's truly in withdrawal, it could last months. A lot of it depends on if there is really NC or not.

By reading the success stories here, some recoveries can take months, even a couple of years. Those who have done it say it is some of the hardest work they've ever done, but the payoff is that every minute was worth it.

Well I have adjusted part of Plan A after reading "The Carrot/Stick" and I have to say after one day it appears that I may have made a little progress...

It's been a day and a half without "relationship" talk or an some type of arguement. The information here has been "spot on" in my opinion. After a day and a half I have portrayed a more upbeat attitude and she has taken notice as my WW as commented on it. She bought me some clothes yesterday and I woke up this morning to find a heart stuck on the bathtub wall with "I Love You" on it. Surprising to say the least.

Any advice on how I can improve here would definitely be appreciated...

These are small steps and I know I have a long road to go but I appreciate the support and all the info. that is on this site...I hope things continue to go well as I remain cautiously optimistic and hopeful that my marriage will end up stronger.

I guess the good times come to an end quick...
Last night we were at a friends house enjoying New Years Eve playing some games. My WW had touched a married friend of mine(on the arm, back and face) at least 8 times. The touching was all in good fun as friends wife was there also. However it bothered me.

Had our marriage been on more solid ground maybe this would be no big deal but I received no attention like that at all. Anyhow I make my way home, we argue quickly and WW leaves to go back.

A short time later she comes back with kids. DD's see I am sad. I bring them upstairs to let them know all will be OK and not to worry. Needless to say, WW flips and says "you did this, not me" As she thinks I am telling them details.

DD's are upset and of course want us to Love each other. They ask why we don't. I then tell WW to tell the kids why she doesn't love me. No specifics other than she stated she talked to OM a little too often..she was furious.

Kids go downstairs and we talk with WW stating she wants a D and she is going to see attorney next week...

The ball drops at 12 and kiss kids and her although she is reluctant.

I have been dealing with questions from kids for at least 2 weeks trying to avoid a major meltdown. My 8 year old draws a picture on a whitboard of a girl crying...that was hard to see and listen to her explain the picture. WW has not had to deal with this end.

I felt like I have given so much with showing my Love, dealing with the hurt of the A, and being there for the kids and the roller coaster ride that goes with it..it all came to a head last night.

What should I do next in an effort to save my marriage?

I am certainly lost for sure.....

You have to expect a rollercoaster of emotions - for both of you. They always spout of divorce and lawyer, but rarely follow through. She does it because she is ashamed, and wants to hurt YOU to stave off her shame. She knows the D word will hurt you, so she says it.

Just stay calm. Be amazing. Smell great. Look great. Be an amazing father. Let her see what she HAS, so that anything else won't make sense.

DON'T get sucked into relationship - or divorce - talks. Just stay silent, if you have to. If she talks nonsense, offer her a cookie.

Be patient when she goes through the 'I hate myself so I'm going to trash you' stages.

fwiw, you were right to point out that she was being inappropriate last night. If you hadn't, she would jump on that as permission to be overly friendly in her marriage, to get her fix. And you know where that leads. She needs to get it.