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From The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner
Even if you speak with love and respect-recognizing the wrong-doer�s full humanity beyond the bad deeds-he may never hear you. So don�t speak because you need an apology or validation. Rather, speak to focus on what you need to say about yourself, for yourself. Longing for a genuine apology or an affirming response is totally understandable, but unrealistic when you enter a conversation with someone who has betrayed you. The only reason to speak is because you need to speak.
If you decide to open up any painful and loaded issue, let go of any expectations of getting the response you want. We will always come from a more solid place if we speak to preserve our own well-being and integrity and refused to be silenced by fear-not because we need a genuine apology from the other person or expect to have our reality validated. Neither may be forthcoming, now or ever.
So keep these points in mind: No individual will feel accountable and able to apologize-no matter how we communicate-if doing so threatens to define her in an unacceptable or intolerable way. The other person�s willingness to own up to harmful deeds has nothing to do with how much she does or doesn�t love you. Rather, the capacity to take responsibility and feel remorse is related to how much self-love and self-respect that person has available to draw on. We don�t have the power to bestow those traits on anyone but ourselves. We can only keep the other person�s full humanity in mind and never forget that every human being is better and more complex than the worst things he or she has done.
I think this will help me with my DJs and LBs that I tend to sneak into conversations with my waynerd ExH and waynerd sister. Bottom line, I am still trying to get them to be different people, still wanting accountability, apologies and change.
2010 will be the year I try to clean up my own mess and let everyone else be the boss of their own mess. No one owes me anything unless they want to be let back into my life and clearly, neither ex or sister wants a ticket in.
I am sure that movie box office people don't obsess about the people not buying tickets, they focus on the people that are buying tickets.
Need to come up with a catchy phrase for the new year, "taking care of whose in, in 2010"
Me-41 BS (FWS) DH-41 WS (FBS) 2DD's- 10 and 12 Married 15 years Separated for 2 years after my A Reconciled for 1 year before his A D-day for his A 8/23/05 WH moved out 9/16/05 Divorce final 1/23/07 Affair ended or month or so later My Story
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[i] The other person�s willingness to own up to harmful deeds has nothing to do with how much she does or doesn�t love you. Rather, the capacity to take responsibility and feel remorse is related to how much self-love and self-respect that person has available to draw on. Thanks so much for sharing that. All of it was great. This is the part that helped me the most.
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[i] The other person�s willingness to own up to harmful deeds has nothing to do with how much she does or doesn�t love you. Rather, the capacity to take responsibility and feel remorse is related to how much self-love and self-respect that person has available to draw on. Thanks so much for sharing that. All of it was great. This is the part that helped me the most. I agree. This is SO POWERFUL. Thank you and :happynewyear:
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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On the same lines (not a t/j, I hope), the following passage I copied from another poster here. It speaks to one of the primary purposes of Plan B. I have it taped to the wall in front of my computer. I've tried to search and give attribution to no avail, so if you recognize it, please step forward and claim it. I changed the gender referenced to fit my needs... Consider yourself divorced. Make your life perfect for you. So much so that you wouldn't mind it so much if you never saw her again.
Only then, will she possibly realize what a great catch you are. And only then could you look her straight in the eyes and say 'I have a list of things that would have to be different about you before I would ever date you again. Here it is. Let me know if you ever tackle that whole list.'
And then move on. If she's up to it, she's up to it. If not, then you've still made a great life for yourself and you will be happy regardless. This is one of the greatest things I've ever read here on MB. Thank you to my anonymous benefactor!
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I agree . I have gone no contact with my XW's and it feels good. I do not expect them ever to get it and apologize. They are no longer my concern.
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Consider yourself divorced. Make your life perfect for you. So much so that you wouldn't mind it so much if you never saw her again.
Only then, will she possibly realize what a great catch you are. And only then could you look her straight in the eyes and say 'I have a list of things that would have to be different about you before I would ever date you again. Here it is. Let me know if you ever tackle that whole list.'
And then move on. If she's up to it, she's up to it. If not, then you've still made a great life for yourself and you will be happy regardless. Yes this is the path I'm on......it has it's ups and downs but I'm getting there. Thanks for sharing!
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