I have a revenge fantasy, that is sort of passive and legal. Say for example it was freezing out and you came across a stranded vehicle , way out in the country. You stop and out pops either the affair partner or the unremorseful XWS. It's clear that without assistance, he or she may die or get frostbite or something.
So, do you drive off, after making sure he or she sees you , maybe cracking off some pithy riposte like "See you later, Blimpey pie".
Also, anyone contemplate putting something in their will banning the XWS from attendance at one's funeral, where they can feign grief?

Zelmo
This is very unhealthy for you to be thinking these kinds of things--not to mention a waste of precious energy.

Stop thinking about revenge. Would it ultimately make you feel any better? I mean REALLY make you feel better? Maybe it would but I doubt it.

I don't dwell on it. It just crosses my mind from time to time. I think it is pretty normal, from talking to other guys. The key is to realize t is just a fantasy.

The funearl banning deal is a real thought, though. My XWW is a master at playing the victim. No doubt she would try to get the focus on herself, perhaps prowling the crowd for additional sex partners.

You are probably just experiencing a "restless period".

I can understand wanting revenge for what these idiots did. But you have to face the facts.

1. YOU picked this bad marriage partner
2. YOU put up with thier lying cheating behavior
3. YOU could have seen how selfish they were and left them
4. YOU may have even had children with them
5. When YOU found out they were pretty heinous, you kept them around
6. YOU did not dump them right away when you found out who they were.


So, in light of this, why don't YOU FORGIVE YOURSELF FULLY for making that bad marriage choice. BE KIND TO YOU for partly ruining your own life. FORGIVE YOURSELF for not seeing who they are or wanting to believe the best from them. FORGIVE YOURSELF for even creating precious children with these heinous people. FORGIVE YOURSELF for your waste of time being with the lyers and cheaters. FORGIVE YOURSELF for not seeing who they are before marrying them and PROMISE YOURSELF you will never fall for a person like that again.

Bring closure to yourself! The wayward does not care about closure they only want drama. Rest in the closure you bring to yourself and start forgiving your mistakes in meeting, dating, and marrying this selfishly heinouse cheater/liar who does not truly care for you...or anyone.

No, I would get help for either one of them. I will not sacrifice my conscience for a scumbag or a skank. That is too high a price to pay. If my conscience is going down it is going to be for a damn good reason.

did you read the story of Lemonman? He is a trauma surgeon. The OM was out with LM's wife and they had a car wreck. He was brought to the ER and lemonman had to operate on the OM and save his life. He could have easily let him die and no one would have ever known.

Better for him to think about it than do it! It has been 10 years since my XH betrayed me and I still think about it sometimes. I can still be triggered.

Or you could flip this fantasy around. You stop to help the OP. While you fix his/her car, you allow them to sit in your car to warm up. You essentially become their rescuer while they sit there knowing they are nothing more than a homewrecker. You rise above them.

Edited to add: That said, I'm still not 100% certain I'd swerve if OW were to step out in front of my car. And I can't bear to hit a squirrel.

You know, it just occurred to me that I NEVER THINK about my current H's affair. NEVER. I never crosses my mind and when it does, it triggers NOTHING. I have no feelngs about it. Whereas, I still can feel ANGRY about what my XH did on a moments notice.

The difference between H's affair and XH's affair is that current H made amends and we are still together. XH has never made amends and is even still with the OW.

interesting............

Zelmo, please start a new CENTURY being good to yourself! Eliminate any thing or any person who is ruining your life or otherwise not adding to it. Be ruthless in picking only wonderful people to be around. If a person is bad, you can deal with them only do not allow them to become a friend.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELF IN 2010!!!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would help out. Maybe a little frostbite, but not a death sentence.
Bubbles, you are exactly right, although I do not view it as having ruined my life. My kids are great and we love one another. And, I am doing really well, about to buy a home. My credit score is skyrocketing after dumping the money spending machine.

I am glad you did not waste your ENTIRE life with one of these creeps!!!

Yes, me too.
Mel, I recall that story about the surgeon. Thank God everything went okay, as if the guy died or something went wrong, there may have been an allegation that the doc messed up intentionally or that the knowledge of the cheating impacted his competence.
Tough situation for the doc, as , if he was the only guy available, he had a duty to do the work. If he had the option, I would have advised him to call in a colleague.

Zelmo, I can't remember the specifics but I don't think there was anyone else available to do the surgery and time was of the essence.

Yep, tough spot.
I seem to remember a movie, a sequel to "Mr Roberts", entitled "Ensign Pulver", where Robert Walker played Pulver(in Roberts it was Jack Lemmon) and Burl Ives played the Captain(Cagney did in Roberts).
Ives needed an emergency appendectomy and Pulver convinced the doctor to leave some sterilized glass marbles in Ives' gut when closing. They would rattle around inside of him but do not harm. Just drive him nuts.
Not a bad idea for the OM.

But the crappy part is, they don't have these thoughts. They think what suckers we are to help them out. It is all about entitlement.

That is an interesting observation, Mel.

It's just anecdotal evidence from your particular story and can't be applied universally, but I think this clearly illustrates the difference in recovery - length of time, completeness, level of continuing resentment, anger or pain - when a spouse is remorseful and makes amends and when one is not. You are personally recovered and in a wonderful marriage as we all know. But it appears your first H's lack of making amends continues to be a source of frustration and pain for you, at least occasionally. Would it be the same for you if he was not with OW, but still had not made amends? Or is the fact he is still with OW the primary reason your anger is triggered?

How do you feel about this in light of Dr. Harley's story in SAA, where Sue never apologized or expressed remorse and in fact continued to blame her affair on her husband Jon's failure to meet her needs? I'm NOT criticizing Dr. Harley or the effectiveness of his advice in SAA, okay? But most real life BS's I read here whose marriages recovered make it clear that their WS's remorse, repentance and amends were the key to recovery. Most if not all of them say they couldn't have recovered without it.

If it was POSOM by himself, I would keep going. If it was exWW, I would offer her a ride.

You are right, my experience is anecdotal, whereas, Dr Harley's experience is more universal and based on case studies. I am confused about what you say about Jon and Sue, though, because Dr Harley does not believe one should stay in a marriage where one spouse refuses to meet the others needs. In fact, he wrote about this in his newsletter When to Call it Quits.

Why don't you ask him?

Okay, but making it to 2100 might be a stretch. I'll check with Ted Williams family for advice.