Hello, I have never been in a chat forum before, but at this point I feel so lonely and hurt that I don't know what else to do. I found out in middle November that my husband of almost 11 years was having an affair. The affair had been going on for a couple months and was sexual. The OW was from his work, he is a police officer and she was another officer who has since been transferred to another station. I found out things like they were talking on the phone for hours and the text messaging was almost too many to comprehend. I felt the distancing but never would have thought this could have happened to us... to me. My husband is the love of my life, we met in the Army and were married soon after. We have two beautiful daughters, 9 and 5. It has been about five weeks now since I found out and can you believe that when this all went down and I asked him about it and said I knew something was going on, I begged him to stay. I didnt do anything wrong and there I was begging him to choose me and our family over girl almost 11 years his junior with long blonde hair and huge fake boobs. I have never felt ugly but that day I felt like a ugly, unwanted old woman at the ripe old age of 30. I feel like my whole world has been destryoed. I am still very much in love with him and want to work on it. Things have been rocky over the years especially due to my getting an advanced degree and starting a professional career. I dont know what to do. Christmas was great as were the weeks leading up to it. I thought things were getting better. He will not go to church with us (for obvious reasons) and he will not go to counseling (doesnt want to discuss his problems with anyone). The day after Christmas I asked him if he felt any closer to being in love(told me he was not in love with me anymore when this happened) with me again (big mistake) he said maybe a little but he didnt really feel anything for me and definately wasnt in love with me. I was crushed, here thinking things were back on track. He stopped all communication with her four or so weeks ago(that I can possibly know) and I am so devastasted as to why he feels nothing. Sex has been ok again, and I am trying to please him in every possible way, and telling him I love him constantly. I feel like I am dying inside, and I cant possibly do anything more at this point. I know how this must sound to you all and I am usually a strong composed person but I am at a total loss here. Please help me I am so alone and I feel like I am spiraling out of control.

Yes, this stuff makes us act out of character. You might try reading the books recommended here.
I think much of what we do, intutively, is wrong. The begging, for example and the failure to impose consequences and enforce boundaries ,is a huge mistake.
It's really sad , isn't it, that , things like consequences need to be brought into play to motivate a WS inot ceasing actions that hurt the Bs. Ideally, the motivation should come from the heart, not from fear of consequences or because of practical reasons like finanaces etc.
I would suggest exposing the affair to your families, including the kids. His work should be informed, as well. I would imagine there are ethical violations of the forces policies.
Oh, will he be pissed. But, that is what needs to be done.

Sorry he has put you through this. It is not very loving, is it? These folks act despicably while in the throes of this garbage.

Hi 'AIL30', your story made me feel so sad....I am pretty new at this myself, Dday for me was 4 months ago, so let me give you a hug.

((((AIL30))))

There are lots of good people on here, and you will get a lot of good advise, plz consider what is said as its pretty much spot on. Zelmo has given me good advise, some of it hurt, but it was the truth. I am still struggling, so I am not one to advise right now.

I do know that begging is not a good thing to do, as I was doing that many years ago when I only suspected my wife was having her A's...it was not the wise thing to do. But its hard to make wise decisions when your whole world is turned upside down...at least your perception of it is.

Zelmo, you have a lot of advise and have seen your input on many a thread here. I have exposed him to my family and to a couple of out close friends, two of which work with him, but the rest is complicated becasue he is very private (i know, laugh) but he is also up for promotion which couls jeapordize our families stability, espescially now. What your saying is probably the best thing as I have seen many mention it here but I am honest-to-goodness scared to death to do it becuase he even mentioned that he could never forgive me for this if it were the other way around and that he didnt know if he could get over it. He freaks when he finds out someone else knows and it pushes him away. Did you do this? How was the outcome? God, i feel helpless...

Yeah, I exposed to my WW's family. But, they were pretty passive and did not get involved. I told my kids post divorce. They were little and I was afraid of damaging them. I mad a boatload of mistakes, as i had not seen this or other sites when I was going through this.
I was a bit torn, however, as, to be honest, a part of me was releived to have an out. I'd been dooused with cold water in the shower numerous times throughout the years, heard a load of emasculating and hurtful remarks and seen my XW abuse my boys from a previous marriage. I have a lot of regret about not kicking her to the curb sooner.
Thye say you have to work this Plan A and Plan B stuff meticulously, without deviation from the guidelines to have a chance for the desired effect.
There are some folks here who have done that with success and they are better at advising you.
I just wanted to let you know that I understand how a strong, independent person can be cowed by this most severe form of spousal abuse and betrayal.

Unless this problem is resolved, you will continue to die a slow death. He needs to see the consequence of his actions. His adultery removed any privacy from the marriage.

You need to get checked for STD's and so does he. He has compromised his professional status in the department and he ought to be reprimanded. I do not know that they will rebuke him.

You need to speak to H about your qualification. This should not slow your recovery but speed it up. You both need to attend a MB weekend program. Folk here have found it very useful. It exposes H to the realities of marriage and helps you through the hurdles.

God bless!

A-I-L,

Sorry you are here in this spot.

How did you find out?

How did your husband react?

Does he have anyone with him for accountability? Has he indicated any desire to work on your marriage?

If he only stopped all contact in late November, then he's still in withdrawal. And how can you be sure he hasn't taken his affair "underground"?

alone, I am so sorry you are here. But you and your H can fall back in love with each other if you follow this program. I would start first by getting the book Surviving an Affair. Can you afford counseling? If you can afford counseling, I would strongly suggest getting phone coaching with Steve Harley of marriage builders. What he can do for you is sell your husband on the concept of falling back in love with you. Your H probably does't believe that can happen, but Steve can show him how. These sessions run about $200, but he won't waste a minute of your time with nonsense. He will give you a PLAN to fix this mess and show you how to attract your husband back into the marriage.

Is the OW married? And if so, has her husband been told about the affair?

The OW is divorced actually and 24, eleven years younger than my husband. From others i have heard she is a jail whore (thier words)that sleeps with all kinds of other officers. I do not know for sure other than checking the phone records and the only times we are apart for any great length of time is when he is at work. I am still not too sure about the abbreviations that eveyone here uses. In answer to some questions listed, we do have some money for counseling, but like I said he wont go. Phone conversations with marriage builders might be ok, but i will have to see. I found out by talking with a friend at work that said she thought it was happening just by the way I was describing his behaviors. Iam not a stupid woman, but htink I was in some sort of denial land.... Anyways i finally looked at the phone records and she was all over the place.... When i confronted him, he really had no choice but to tell me and then i did what i never imaginged doing, i tols him I was sorry and I probably was 50% at fault for things leading to this. How pathetic, right? Thing is-- this is the love of my life, and even still I cannot think about a life that doesnt have him in it. I asked him last night if he was giving up and his response was that "he was still here, wasn't he?" NIIICE! But he is a ghost of who he was before, llike I dont even know him. He gave up smoking years ago (we were in the Army and everyone smokes) and he is back at it, just like all his work buddies. To speak about the STD thing... yeah found that out the hard way, I now after 13 years of being with the same man... have HPV. Wow, an affair-the gift that keeps on giving, have to have cryotherapy on my cervix to top it all off. Yuck, who'd a thought after this long i would have to worry about crap like that!! Hope that answers all the above questions. This has made me feel better to at least tell my story a little and not have to be perfect and act like everything is great....

Sorry for all he has put you throguh. Hard to beleieve that even after having given you a STD, he acts as he does. Does he demonstarte any sociopathic behaviors aside from those associated with the affair? I know lots of cops. Some are messed up.

Lol, no thakfully he doesn't, but it would make you wonder wouldn't it. Of course he has told me has is sorry and the whole HPV thing, though embarassing as hell, is not the end of the world. But I am at a standstill.... I think the hurt, though everpresent, is starting to leaves spaces where I can concentrate on other things now, I find myself torn. Do I say to hell with it and tell him he needs to work as hard as I am, and I deserve counseling, or do I just go with the flow and continue to be the perfect wife??? I am seriously confused, and to think I see people with these same problems everyday for a living. Funny, when it becomes your problem, huh???

alone, Steve Harley won't counsel you together anyway, but he will tell you what to say to get your H to speak to him. He can give you a plan to save your marriage.

And I am still not clear on the OW, is she married? And if so, does her husband know?

Sorry Melody, for some reason that part got cut off. No she is not married, but divorced. She is all of 24 and has been with several people at my H work, unknown I guess to him. So I gather she knows he is married but who the heck knows what all he told her.... I am really thinking about talking to Steve. Geez, it is so expensive but I am thinking he's worth it and i almost need a miracle.. hope that clarifies.

I'd give htese plans as described here, a try(the Plan A and Plan B deals).
At some point, he is going to have to do a lot of the work. If that does not happen, what choice do you have?
It helped me to put a deadline in place. I did this internally, never announcing it. But, I gave it about 6 months and then had to move on. I could just not face the prospect of no end in sight.

Zelmo, your so right. The poosibility of no end in sight sounds like sure torment. The Plan A and B are found in the main sights, right?? Sorry, again, new to this.

alone, plan A is for busting up the affair. You are beyond that. You need to attract your H into a program of recovery so your marriage recovers. That is why I suggested calling Steve Harley. He is sometimes very successful is motivating a reluctant spouse to reinvest his emotions in the marriage.

Yeah, you can find them here . The book is supposed to be good, as well. By the time I got here, it was moot.
You might try Plan Banana Cream Pie to the Face, as well.

AIL,

Been reading along. You really really need to read the articles on this site. Why? If you do, you will see the answers to your questions. You asked

Do you want the long answer or the short???

I'll start with the short...NO!!! Not only NO! but Heck NO!
YOu don't keep doing what you have been doing because that is what led to the state of the marriage. You don't expect him to work as hard on this as you because he is in withdrawal, but if he doesn't step into this marriage soon, you should be gone. You should PLAN A, but being the "perfect" wife is not plan A, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that you don't really know his needs and how he needs them met.

One of Harley's great breakthroughs in understanding marriages was to realize that well intentioned, loving couples can completely fail to meet one another's needs because they don't know what they are or how the spouse wants them met. Thus all of the effort and work just leads to one spouse being frustrated because they are trying and the other spouse being frustrated because their needs are not met. Thus, leading to marriage problems and the Wayward spouse, WS, having an affair.

Let's also get one thing straight. You are partially responsible for the state of your marriage, but you have no responsibility for the A. That was his choice and it reflects a man with low boundaries, and weak to none existent coping skills. It also reflects a man with little or no honor.

You see I am also ex-military and HONOR is very very important to me and how I judge men. He would not be a man I would trust to be in the military or in the police force with the little honor he has shown.

You may "feel" you love this man with all of your heart, but the real question have you shown love by your actions? Has he shown love by his actions?

Please do the reading here, please get "Surviving an Affair" and read it. It is an easy read but it will give you a much clearer picture of this whole process from the inception of the affair until recovery, if it occurs.

I will end this by telling you, that your situation is so "normal" around here and your actions/reactions, your H's actions/reactions are so text book it is not funny. If you want we can start telling you what your H will say as you do one thing or another. They all seem to actually read the same text word for word. That is strangely why their is hope. These patterns are so common, the motivations are so common, the responses are so common, that Harley's approach is very effective.

That does not mean your marriage will survive, but it does mean that you have the very best chance of saving it by using it. Even more importantly, if you stick around here and learn from the articles, books, and discussion section, no matter what happens YOU will carry far less baggage into the future and thus you will have better relationships in the future.

Start reading, ask LOTS of questions, and tell us more.

God Bless,

JL

JL, I like you, your blunt and to the point and I get you! Thanks for the kick in the pants. I will do the reading. I think right now I am struggling with alot of what you talked about. Being ex-military and and ex-cop myself, honor is important. My H was a very honorable man, which is why I had such a hard time excepting the fact he did this. I tried to justify it by taking the blame, but that just let him off the hook. As my own emotions, fears, unmet expectations are played out I feel my "path", if you will, become more and more unclear. I do feel hope from all of you and the threads in this site, strangely comforting to be in a space that represents so much hurt and pain. Thank you for your words, I am sure I will have many, many more questions and confusions in the minutes to come(seems like thats the only amount of time i can relate to anymore)!!