Just the facts:

4 months ago, H of 19 years rekindles HS friendship with woman on Facebook.

3 weeks ago, I discover hours of talk time and over a hundred/txts/pics on our cell bill to and from one number. Confront H. Says he's helping a friend and her husband manage their bankruptcay and discussing problems friend is having with teenage daughter. Don't believe him, but Christmas is coming, so let it drop.

After Christmas, confronted again; this time with Facebook and email messages from her. Mostly of a religious bent. They are soulmates, going to walk each other to eternity, praying, etc.. He stopped cell phone calls/txts, and she's so distraught, but her husband has been so supportive because they have such an "open and honest marriage where they seek to meet needs not met in their marriage from other people, then bring these gifts back into their marriage and make it stronger." The says the love she and my husband have for each other is of God, and stronger than any "earthly" love. (Like mine and my husbands, I take it.)

H says she's helped him rediscover his religious beliefs, is helping him beat alcoholism, (something I've begged him to let me help him with for years) and he's supporting her while she battles cancer. Her husband knows and is grateful for my husband's presence in his wife's life. all the talk about soulmates and love are just her liberal way of expressing her religious feelings. I suspect their relationship exceeded the bounds of holy friendship, and slipped into online sex talk, though I have no solid proof and he denies it.

Demanding he stop contacting this dying friend makes me the heathen ogre in this relationship I was left out of from the beginning. I'm just to trust he's doing what's best for our marriage, and um, swallow all this hurt and anger, I guess.

And when/if she dies, her ghost will be ever present, and I'll never measure up to the quality of spiritual/emotional support she gave him. Today, I don't see how our marriage can survive such a deep betrayal of my trust, and our love. Obviously I didn't meet several of his emotional needs, but to be fair, he never made them known to me.

I'm having panic attacks (I am not a drama queen, this is a highly unusual response for me.) and can't get to a therapist till after Jan 4. Just need to vent for now, really, but would like to hear from people who have been in similar circumstance.

Regulus,
First, take a deep breath, breathe and release. What a bunch of nonsense and it just further demonstrates the lengths waywards will go to justify their adulterous actions. Have you actually talked to OWH? Does he know about the online sex talk. Is this couple into swinging?

Gg

No, wouldn't consider it. If his wife is really dying, the last thing he needs to know is that she was sexually involved with another man/men on line. They don't live in our state, I've never met them, and never heard of her/them till now.

How are you getting your information - is it all from your WH? You need to start snooping and find out what's really going on here. Waywards go to extreme lengths with lies.

Gg

If he only has a short time with her, then he needs to know so he can stop her affair with your husband. This is information about his life to which he has a RIGHT TO KNOW. So, I would suggest finding out who he is and calling him up and telling him. Maybe if he knows the problem in his marriage, he can do something to stop it.

Secondly, the affair needs to be exposed everywhere, to your pastor, family members, parents, children; everyone should know. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure is ruinous.

The best book we can recommend is Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley. It explains the dynamics of an affair and gives a plan for recovery.

Here is Dr Harleys newsletter on the importance of exposure. Exposure

Oboy well My heart goes out to you. It makes me sick to see ppl invoke God in their BS. Sounds like they belong to a strange religion. What God allows that crap?

Hang in there you sound like you need a friend. This place is full of awesome ppl who will be there for you with support and good advise.

I am confused, in your first post you said her husband approved of this affair:

What's your rationale for this? Where do you draw the line? What if someone has 12 months to live vs 2 years? One gets
busted, the other skates?
You are doing her H no favors by keeping him in the dark. Maybe he would move on and not go through the anguish of watching his spouse die if he knew she was cheating on him. And, he can ever get that time back.

The memories.... dang - another religious nut latching onto another woman's husband and claiming this. Good Grief! There's a religion script out there. The OW in my husband's life - emotional affair - didn't go so far as to claim cancer. But her husband was "enthusiastic" about her "friendship" with my husband - so much so that after Kasey wrote and I sent the NC letter - a whole year later, they drove over a thousand miles on a vacation and showed up on our doorstep. He knocked for her.... Of course, I was working a full time job so they knew he'd be home alone.

She claimed to have been guided by God several times to violate our No Contact policy. Kasey had to leave online 12 step fellowships because she'd follow him there.

I had to finally tell her that since God had told us through our minister to have nothing to do with her and she claimed God had told her to interfere in our marriage, that God Himself would have to settle the whole thing, and I'd be happy to wait until we meet at Jesus' feet for Him to tell us what He said to whom...

She hasn't broken contact since.

I don't think her husband considers it an affair. If our spouses are talking sex, maybe he supports that too. He may have been sitting next to her while she typed, for all I know.

Her H recently left a msg for my H on Facebook ("It's worse than she's letting on.") so he does know they FB. I saw this when my H, very strangely left his computer on and logged onto FB after he went to work. So I wonder if he wanted me to see that not only is he not talking to OW, but that her H is aware, and that she really is sick and doing worse.

I have my husband's email and Facebook passwords, but only ever saw her side of the conversations. He says he knew I was always checking his stuff (don't know how) but he never confronted me with it, or used my snooping as a reason to be open and honest about his "innocent" relationship.

I feel better already...at least my heart doesn't feel like it's going to burst out of my chest...so thanks to all for letting me vent, and responding.

Thanks, sorting; it helps to hear from ppl who've "been there", and I am getting pastoral counseling, but he's on vacation, so y'all get to take his place...for free!!

Ya know, Kayla, I hope it doesn't go that far, but my H did say the OW and her H want us to visit them (right), and apparently my H is to be one of her pall bearers (great). I'm wondering how involved he'll have to be with OWH and her kids after she dies (providing she's that ill). So many questions and worries...

Your pastor CHARGES for counseling?

If this is true, he's a dirtbag.

Well here is a short story about how Cancer, God and BullS**t effected my life.

I met my second wife, saw that she had problems with drinking and emotional issues but decided to work on a relationship while addressing those issues. We found out she was pregnant and she also had Cervical Cancer. The Dr said it was serious enough to take the child but we could wait till after she was born.

My wife drank some still and continued to go out and party while I wanted to stay in and live as saftly as we could for the child.

Wife had this strange relationship with God. She knew so much scripture, just to hear her talk and to see the compassion in the woman was heart-wrenching. But she could do a jeykll and hyde switch and when she would come home saying how sorry she was I guess she thought God was going to somehow reach into my heart and wipe away any pain. To be honest, she expected people to do that themselves and forgive her and was accually arogant <<sp> about it.

Well here I was, with an obviously emotionally damaged woman with an alcohol problem whom I decided to enter into a sexual relationship with.... now pregnant out of wedlock with a possible death sentence handed to her after the baby was born.

The battle I fought with her was the one with alcohol primarily. She would occasionally go out and do some outrageous flirting with the "just friends" crap. I supplied the place to live and untill she got thru the pregnancy and the cancer she wasn't in any shape to survive alone.

The baby was born.. The cancer was removed.. and she lived.
She also continued to drink for the next two years finding excuses for it. I left her when the child was 2 years old for my old lover "Peace and Hope" because it was insane. I was going down with the ship and planned to take children away ASAP.

Two years later my wife was clean and sober for the most part and we got back together. I would not accept ANY alhohol around but she continued to state that God had forgiven her and she didn't need AA. For the next 12 yrs she didn't drink and was an awesome lady but she eventually relapsed.

So whats the point? Nobody knows how long we will live but we do have control over how we live.

Don't let the Bullcrap ruin your life. I would be the poster child for being proud and selfishly thinking I was special enough to "handle" all of that crap. Its not you and your husbands problem that she might die. Don't let them make it yours and blame God for it.

No, I don't attend a church. The guy's a Pastor and a shrink. Since my H's infidelity is wrapped in Christianity, I thought I'd better get somebody more familiar with this whole "Christian Love" thing than I am. I've only seen him once, to make sure I wasn't crazy and/or heartless to find something wrong with this whole "holy union". Turns out I'm neither!

Well I am not taking The love of God out of lifes equation. I pray and seek truth about life through Him daily.
I am just ashamed of people who use theGrace of God as a lisense to Sin.

Funny thing, My late wife told me how bad it was to do that.

@Regulus,

I feel your pain. I was an extremely devoted, over-the-top Mormon. I learned the truth behind the origins of my former religion, and along with a kind of "spiritual awakening", re-evaluated my life and religious feelings toward Christianity entirely.

I abandoned the faith of my childhood at the age of twenty-nine. However, I was married and had two kids already, and our shared Church dominated our lives prior to my apostasy. It still dominates that of my wife.

FWW's EA was largely based upon religious grounds. She still thinks it was "meant to happen", even though it had horrible consequences for our marriage. She saw an opportunity to help a man who was struggling with child-rearing issues. As both a prospective mental health therapist, former teacher, and long-time mother, she felt she had something to give.

IMHO, he saw she had something that he could take.

Regardless, their "friendship" blossomed into something else, and I protested every step of the way once I realized how involved they were. I didn't have MarriageBuilders until after D-Day, when I finally captured a recording of the two of them discussing the ramifications of divorcing their spouses to marry one another.

Some friendship.

The main problem though, was until I had proof of infidelity, I had no leg to stand on to break the affair. She had successfully gaslighted me, blaming our marriage problems on things "we should work on" like making more time for each other.

The line between a "friendship" that is too close, and an emotional affair, can be gauged this way:
1. Have they told one another of their feelings for each other?
2. Have they concealed this conversation or the feelings from their spouse?

Affairs require secrecy.

What do you need to bust it up?

You need evidence. Something real. A voice-activated recording from their favorite talking spot in the home or vehicle works REALLY well, because you indict your spouse with their own words. FWW's exact statements used to confirm she, absolutely, was having an affair and no longer a "friendship" was "I love you" and "If anything ever happened to Barnboy, you know I'd be with you."

The trouble with these religiously-based affairs, though, is trying to get through to them that the affair is a dirty, nasty, disgusting thing to do to their spouses. It's horrible emotional abuse. It's infidelity. It is very near the most painful thing they can possibly do to their spouse.

They see it as something God wanted them to do. Reading Surviving An Affair helps illustrate that God is not on the side of infidelity.

In my case, the line is moving. She now thinks that God wanted her to meet the OM, wanted her to help him, but the two of them just took the "friendship" further than God wanted them to. It will take months or years, I believe, before she'll truly see the affair for what it really was: a desperate man looking for some tail, finding my wife, and discovering what the major weakness is in our marriage in order to exploit it and get what he wanted. And a desperately lonely and depressed wife who didn't recognize her own weaknesses.

Reading aloud together from Dr. Harley's works is fixing that, little by little.

I'm still not sure how to patch the huge hole in our marriage caused by the rift in our faiths. However, I'm learning to meet her needs better in every other way. I believe that as long as I don't actively Love-Bust her activities related to her faith, ensure that we have good EPs surrounding other men who attend her church, and find ways to have enough time together to remain above the romantic love threshold as much as possible, we can pull through this without recidivism.

Putting into place strong Extraordinary Precautions is key, though, as is learning to admit our attractions to other people. FWW is still working on that, I believe; she's NEVER admitted feeling attracted to anybody other than OM, while I have a long list of women I refuse to speak to because I find them attractive...

This definitely sounds like an emotional affair and also it sounds like your H and OW are gaslighting you and OWH.

Have you installed a keylogger on the home computer? Even though you have passwords, things could be getting erased. Also on FB they could be chatting, and those chat logs can be erased.

After having read your snooping thread, here are the facts I see:
1. He has admitted his feelings for her. She has reciprocated.
2. He is concealing his communications with OW from you.

Don't take any more bull-caca from him. This is an affair. You know it, I know it, and your job now is MAKE SURE EVERYBODY ELSE WHO MATTERS TO YOUR SPOUSE KNOWS IT.

Exposure. The #1 tool in a Betrayed Spouse's toolkit*. This emotional affair is destroying your marriage. The way I exposed went like this:

* I took several days to collect the names and phone numbers of every person who's opinion I believed mattered to my spouse.
* I called them all on the same day. I only missed a few, and caught them within days.
* I used this kind of a script for each interaction (a little revised here and there as needed): "Friend, thanks for taking my call. I know it's unexpected. I know that you know Wayward Wife very well, and that her happiness and our marriage is very important to you. I recently learned that Wayward Wife is having an affair with Other Man. Luckily, it has not yet become sexual, but I am having a lot of trouble trying to figure out how to help her want to come back to our marriage and children, and would really appreciate your advice." In that conversation, I also typically explained that FWW was denying the affair and lying to friends about the nature of what she euphemistically called "marriage problems".

Your #1 tool at this point is EXPOSURE. And exposure to the other person's spouse doesn't mean taking your Wayward's word for what has transpired. It means getting that person on the phone or in person and talking about your experiences.

Case in point: Other Man had informed Former Wayward Wife that he and his wife were separated, filing for divorce, and that he was effectively a single father while his wife did nothing for the kids. Other Man's Wife clearly informed me they'd never been separated except out of necessity from time to time, that they had never filed for divorce, and that she loved her children and spent every spare moment with them. OM told FWW that he and OMW were in an "open marriage" that would include others; OMW said their marriage was nothing of the kind.

WAYWARDS LIE.

How can you tell when he's lying?

HIS LIPS ARE MOVING.

Get the facts, now. Expose the facts to every person who might have some influence in your spouse's life. You can be certain he's lying to his "spiritual friend" just as much as he's lying to you and those who matter to the two of you.

And don't do what I did. Don't ask those friends to stay out of it. Encourage them to get into it and confront your spouse if they wish. Just make sure you frame the argument before your wayward spins it to them as something positive. People believe the first story they hear about 80% of the time even if contravening facts show up. Take advantage of that fact of human nature and get those people to support your marriage rather than your spouse's adultery.

Expose. Now. To your parents. To your spouse's parents. To your children. To your spouse's siblings. To your siblings. To your spouse's best friends. To your own best friends. Make this adultery known far and wide so that YOU get the support YOU need to get through this crisis, and so that your wayward spouse gets the pro-marriage support he needs to have the strength to break off his repugnant affair.