It has been one year and six months since I found out about my DH eight month A. We have practice the MB principles and our M is better than it has ever been. I thought for almost seventeen years that we had a wonderful M until he had an A. I was so happy to have him in my life I was nostalgic. In MC we realized that both my DH and I were P/A and we have been working with each other on sharing our true feelings and changing our behavior. Now I sometimes get panicky and scared because I am finding myself questioning whether he is tricking me again. I felt like such a fool for ignoring the signs that he was having an A. I tend to always see the brighter side of things and often I block out painful things. I feel like he played me by pretending to be this loving, wonderful H while boning the X-other-skank. I think I am sabotaging my happiness sometimes but then I don't want to be caught off guard and trust him and be blind-sided by him tricking me again. Last weekend we went to a ski resort and we had an amazing time. I was lying in his arms and it felt so good, but I almost had a panic attack because I felt like he felt too good to be true.

How do I become comfortable and accept the fact that he is being real with me? Is it normal to feel like this 1.6 years after D-Day?

cobolgirl,
Yes it is normal to feel this way. My M is R'd and it's been two years. I will never trust my FWH again. That is how the A was able to start. What will make you feel comfortable is continuing the EP that have been put in place to protect and nurture your M. As long as my FWH is transparent, O&H and continues showing me actions everyday - I will continue to be comfortable in our M.

Gg

((((Cobol_girl))))

I am fairly new to this sitch, but I can tell you I feel the exact same as you. Things are going pretty well with H and I, but I feel like I am on constant watch, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am a prayin' woman, so my prayer is that IF H is not being honest with me about ANYTHING, that it will be revealed. Like GG said, I also had blind trust. I will never have that again and it really, really sucks as that was one of my favorite parts of our R.

Cobolgirl, Dr Harley says it takes around 2 years to recover from this.

However, you are RIGHT to not trust him. Trusting him too much is what led to this affair in the first place. Your instincts are telling you that you should trust, BUT VERIFY. It is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries.


I think we have all felt this way, because we don't really KNOW the signs. Now, you are armed and as such, are much safer. It is sad you had to learn the signs this way, but you are actually safer now than before.

(((((Cabol and ladies))))),

what you are feeling is completely normal. I'd say it's would be ABNORMAL not to feel this way. I, too, had the hardest time coming to terms with this loss of trust, loss of an innocence if you will. And no, it's not something you will ever get back. To mourn this is okay.....

Cobol,

The scene you describe is something I went through MANY times. Things would be coming along swimmingly and then I SWEAR we would get into a disagreement. I think that this was a defense mechanism on my part. The two of us would draw closer and in the fear of being hurt again, I would push away. This went on for some time.

What helped me, was to recognize this. I would ask myself if there was something in particular H was doing to raise my fears (sometimes the answer was yes......ususally no) or if it was something inside me.....

It also helped that once we would noticed this pattern, that once the signs were showing (me withdrawing) to discuss it. I would tell him exactly what was going on....." honey things have been going well. You have been doing a great job in meeting my needs/avoiding LB's/POJA....Right now I'm second guessing this. It scares me to trust you, even though you are doing all you can..."

then you two can take it from there. Most of the time I really just needed reassurance from him. BUT a truly remorseful S will understand.....

As time goes on you will find these episodes will get further in between, but in theean time be mindful of where you are and in your own actions....engaging in LB's, not meeting his EN's, ect.....

And yep, it's a marathon not a sprint....

Not2fun