I am a WH that can't seem to break the habit. I had an EA from 12/08-6/09 that then turned into a PA from then until 10/9. I have broken it off many times since then but the EA continues to this day. The OW lives in CT while I am in OH. We met at my parents home in NY where she and her OWM bought a home across from my Mom's place.
As a result of the PA, the OW initiated a divorce and has followed through. I asked my BW for a divorce but she refused and we have tried to reconcile multiple times between June and now.

My wife was doing her best plan A and I thought I was getting it but I fell off the wagon again this week and contacted the OW. Yesterday, I actually bought a plane ticket to CT but didn't get on the flight. That was the last straw for my BW. She had all of my stuff put into the garage and kicked me out. I am staying at an apt that I rented the last time I fell. I am devastated but I still don't trust myself.
I have read nearly everything here and understand the process but for some reason I can't seem to break the habit. I feel helpless and ashamed for what I have done to both my BS and the OW's family.
Help...

WH 39
BS 40
DD 10
DD 13
EA 12/08-6/09
PA 6/09-10/09
EA-ever since

Are you asking for help? If so, it's a pretty lackluster plea, if you ask me. Affairs are addictions. The only treatment for addiction is complete abstinence.

If you've read everything on this site then you know what you have to do. It comes down to two words: EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS. These begin with absolute and permanent NO CONTACT with OW.

You have a lot of amends to make, and this means you must humble yourself absolutely and completely. It may be that your BW has reached the final straw. If so, there is nothing you can do about it but accept the fact that your selfishness has resulted in the destruction of two families. And make no mistake, this is ALL ABOUT your selfishness.

I am a poor giver of advice. I will leave that to the pros. They will be along shortly. Know this: No one is going to feel sorry for you.

Actions have consequences. Meet yours.

You are acting despicably and totally selfishly.

You know the difference between right and wrong.

Man up and do the right thing. End your selfish and destructive affair and beg your wife for forgiveness.

Think of the example you are setting for your daughters. They deserve far better but will, if you carry on acting so badly, accept what you are doing as "normal" and will accept similar from their partners when they eventually marry.

Is that the legacy you want to leave for your children?

I find it simply disgusting that you have read here and understand the pain of an affair, but are carrying on as if you are helpless. UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE.

You say you are helpless. Why? Is there someone FORCING you to contact the OW? Someone MAKING you contact her? You are making decisions and you have the responsibility for those decisions.

Fess up. Really, you care only for yourself, for the good feelings you can generate for yourself in the short term. Meanwhile, you totally disregard impact on your family. You don't care about your wife. You don't care about your children. It is all about YOU.

I don't know what things your wife required for you to remain in the marriage. It should have been significant though. And you may have really pushed your wife too far this time to actually recover your marriage.

Like yours, my H and my marriage suffered a false recovery that brought us to the brink of divorce. This was after 15 months of no contact between my H and OW. One thing I learned was that if BOTH people want the marriage, BOTH people need to do the work. And much of that introspection is very unfomfortable. Much easier and feels alot better to be self-immersed in the addictive feelings of the A.

If you are serious, stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop feeling like the powerless victim and DO THE RIGHT THING. BE a man of character.

AM

NS, has everyone been told about your affair? Does your mother, the OW's mother, your children and the rest of the family know what you have done? Your children need to hear what you and the OW have done to them, so I would set them down with your W and tell them the truth.

That is where I would start if I were you. Tell them all and ask them to help keep you accountable. You will have to commit to never going to your mother's house again.

Then send a letter to the OW ending all contact with her.

This is all just a start. I think that your wife should divorce you and if you manage to keep your crap together for a year or more, she might consider you then, but she has been dealing with this for 2 years now. You are dangerous to her. You are unsafe.

You need to show your BW how you have changed.

You need to expose your affair. You must tell your parent's and your siblings, and the OWH. Your family needs to call you on your behavior and need to keep tabs on you to help you stay NC, no contact, with the OW.

You need to apologize to the OWH so he knows the truth about his WW and how his marriage was affected by your actions. It would be good if you could do this over the phone in front of BW.

You need to send a NC letter to the OW. Have your BW approve and edit if she see's the need to. Then have BW e/mail it to OW.

You need to show your BW that you are going to live transparent.
Get a cell phone with a GPS with real life time. Permantly attach a GPS for you car. Your cell and Car should never be that far apart. Why is your car at work, and your cell is at a motel.

Hand over all passwords to PC and cell. Show BW that you are blocking OW calls and emails and any other way OW contacted you.
If OW tries to break NC you must tell BW right away.

Have BW install a keylogger on your PC.

Then tell BW you will answer any questions she has truthfully. No half answers, no I don't remembers. No Clinton I did not have sex with that woman because....oral jobs don't count.

I guess your BW can go out and give some oral to an OM and it won't count either?

You must be 100% truthful to the OWH.

Last, you can never go back to visit your mom with the OW living next door. Eithe you ask the OW to move to consider your mom.

Yeah right! Just the way she considered her BH and your BW.

Or you will have to get your mom to move to a new town. Mom will have to come see you or meet her in a neutral place away from any chance of breaking NC.

If you are not willing to do all of this then I don't see success for you.

Just so you know, your affair is doomed. 95% of affairs ever make it to marriage and of those that do, 70% end in divorce. That is because the very things that made the affair possible, thoughtless, deceit, selfishness, quickly kill off the relationship. Your OW is a skank who does not care about you. If she cared, she would not put you in such a disgraceful, degrading position. She has emasculated you in every way and made you a family shame.

You are a key player in the demise of a marriage, a family. How does that make you feel?





Running away from the mess you've made in your own life will only make your heart grow darker with guilt and shame.



What do you really need in life?
The happiest people I know are those who want what they have. The least happy people I know are those who want what someone else has.






As you can see, you have things of value at home, children from whom you are ready to escape. Their value goes unappreciated. Your wife's value is disregarded. You fail to want what you have, and therefore you will never be happy. Never.




This is nonsense.

You are a man who has a beautiful family, a family you do not want, while you covet another man's wife.

Your life will be unhappy if you keep to this path.


Your path determines your destination.
Where are you going?