Oh, nothing. Hers was a perfectly normal and legitimate response to a silly question from Steve Harley. I just threw that story in for filler.

sorry

Mrs. W,

Just wanted you to know I read this and all your posts on this thread today. Wasn't ignoring you and your points are well taken.

I only want to say that I wish you could observe me on a daily and weekly basis. I am putting my emotions aside every day. I swallow my tongue every day. I say positive things to her and don't say negeative things I'd like to say, every single day. I serve her as much as she will let me. I worked from morning to night yesterday (grading our 150 yard gravel driveway with a tractor, vacuuming, sweeping, washing and folding laundry, doing dishes, chopping firewood for a fire, making a fire) for her sister and bro-in-law's visit last night. MrsOttert thanked me several times. This is only one example of things I do ALL THE TIME. I NEVER bring up the past to her, despite the fact the hurt lingers. I am (mostly) kind and polite to her. I do not demand any kind of amends or apologies from her.

I feel this is a place I can come to to discuss/b*tch/rant and relieve my frustrations. Then I get mugged for expressing an opinion, get defensive, and off we go again into the vortex of piss and fire. I'm better when I stay away from here.

sorry

Uhmmmm. Are you ok? Like seriously, I can't even make a joke this is so whackoo....DUDE

Is it too crazy? I guess I am so relieved since my mammogram result today was normal that I am letting off too much steam. The lump I felt was nothing. Dude thinks it is bad then it is REALLY BAD!

Now that I think about it, I witnessed my dad handle things much like Ottert's wife following his decades long abusive drinking phase.
He never apologized for or acknowledged his abuse. He did clean up his act and help us in many ways.
We loved my dad, but I think we always viewed his inability to man up in this regard as a flaw, a weakness. He was very strong in many areas, but he could not acknowledge his abuse. I think he tried to make up for it by the things he did later in life. But, the stuff was never really spoken about. Yet, we loved him.
So, maybe ottert will, ultimately have to accept that his wife has a big limitation in this area and just let it go. Ideally, she would own her stuff, but some folks just are not big enough.

Drink a mojito and chill!!! DUDE

ITA Zelmo.

Hi Ottert,

No, it's not all on you. And yes, Mrs.O has a big part.

BUT

She's not here to receive our "valuable" 2x4's and advice. YOU are.

When I post, my intent is to help the person IMPLEMENT MB on their side of the fence.

For example, I would tell you, "Yes, it is possible to recover without an apology. It is possible to create a new, wonderful marriage without an apology."

If Mrs.O were here, I'd be posting to her in a way that might help her reach a point of feeling the need herself to apologize. I would try to help her reach a place where she would sincerely want to apologize for hurting you.

I would try to help you both work your sides of the recovery.

But alas, she is not here.

I wanted to say more on this:



Many times BS's get upset with Dr. H's statement that an apology is not necessary to recover a marriage.

But his statement is true. He has helped people do this very thing.

He does NOT say it is ideal.

He does NOT say an apology wouldn't be helpful and healing.

He does NOT say that every BS should recover without an apology.

He only says that it is POSSIBLE to rebuild your marriage without one.

And most here know that many FWS do eventually reach a point of remorse and do verbally apologize, but it takes many months/years of rebuilding FIRST.

That doesn't mean that EVERY BS can recover without an apology. I am one of those BS's who set the boundary that I would not stay married without a sincere, verbal apology.

I didn't have that boundary on the first go-round. I was willing to recover without that apology prior to our false recovery. After the FR, too much damage had occurred to me and our marriage to ever consider reinvesting emotionally without the remorse coming FIRST.

There are many recovered marriages here that did not start off with a repentant, apologetic FWS.

Each BS decides what they can and can not live with.

{{{{Bubbles}}}}

I'm glad you received good news, Bubbles.

I know that my sitch was different than most in that my H was apolgetic and remorseful from the first day he came home and did not go through withdrawal or rewrite our history or any of the other things that is talked about here on MB.

However i do not think that i could or even would want to start recovery with some one who was not even willing to admit they had hurt me to begin with......

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Don't argue Ottert!