|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
I found out that H has been having A (Co-worker) for more than a year. He said he'd be willing to work on us, but he refused to write N/C. He wanted to tell her face to face, and would not allow me to be present. Then he just admitted that he already fell in love with her. The reason he hasn't left me is my mental health....I've been struggling with deep Depression & Anxiety. Looking back, big part of my state of mind has a lot to do with our relationship. I'm afraid that if he stays, he simply doing that to undo his guilt. I'm afraid to let go.
WH-44, BS-40, OW-32
Dated-3 yrs, married- 4
D-Day Christmas 2009
No kids
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I've been struggling with deep Depression & Anxiety.
Step one:
Attack your personal problems with determination and gusto.
If it is possible for you to become healthier it is your responsibility to do so.
Get help for your mental/emotional disorders. Continue getting help until you are satisfied you are where you need to be.
That is you working your side of the problem.
In the meanwhile:
READ this
and
ORDER this book in the mail
Ask questions.
Keep a journal.
Keep posting.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I forgot to add that this (below) is bullchit.
His way of trying to assuage his guilt. He's trying to look like a "good guy" while allowing himself to cheat on his wife and break his vows.
Hang in there ...
The reason he hasn't left me is my mental health
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 508
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 508 |
He said he'd be willing to work on us, but he refused to write N/C. He wanted to tell her face to face, and would not allow me to be present... The reason he hasn't left me is my mental health. This is a load of manure. Living with depression and anxiety is a difficult task and can put a strain on any relationship but it does not excuse an affair. If your husband really wanted to leave you he would. If he really wanted to work on the marriage he would work on it with you. He is using your illness as an excuse to justify his lousy behavior. He is cake eating. Step 1: Take care of you. Seek treatment (if you aren�t already). Step 2: Fight for your marriage and end the affair (if you so choose). There are many resources here to help you. Pepperband has shown you where to start.
Me: BH
Her: FWW
Kids:DSD 12, DS 7, DD, 7
EA/PA: September 2007 - November 2007
Status: In Recovery
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
Pepperband, I have been seeing a therapist and taking meds. I wish I didn't wait so long. I finally turned around and feeling like myself again, but that's when he dropped the bomb saying he's not happy and want 'time to think' and seperate. God works His magic...I didn't have to snoop around (I didn't see it coming at all), Christmas night he left his email opened. There's a trip to Mexico, adults only...while I was out of the country visiting my family (I'm from Indonesia). I waited for few days before confronting him. SInce then (it's only been 2 days, felt like forever), what he told me make me discourage.
Out of desperation, I sent OW an e-mail. Major LB, H already told me not to. I simply asked her to step aside. She wrote back telling him (in the same email to me) that she's done with him and apologized to me. Now H is writing her back. I don't know if I'd make the situation worse if I asked him to show me what he wrote??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Read the links.
Order the book.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
I have been lurking here for the past week. Part of it to distract myself from obsessing about the affair. ANd I can thank God and this site for giving me the strength. I've learned that I've contributed to our marriage falling apart, not just with my depression but the LBs I did. I expressed this to WH, that I know I haven't been a good wife in the past, not fulfilling his EN. And that it's all going to change. THis site really helped open my eyes to what marriage meant. That's why I have no doubt we can start all over again. Should I share with him Dr. H's articles? We both knew our marriage was falling apart, but after finding this site...I understand why nothing has change in our relationship. I wanted to show him there are reasons why for my confidence (and this coming from someone with negative thoughts for the most of her life).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Should I share with him Dr. H's articles?
Become informed and have a good understanding of the plans BEFORE you try to "educate" your WH.
You educating WH will be a turn off for him.
For now, look good and be pleasant until you know what you're doing with MB plans.
READ the link twice.
AND order the book.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 172
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 172 |
You need to expose immediately--to everyone--his parents, your parents, OW husband (if she has one), friends, neighbors, children, EMPLOYER...anyone who can help deter this A. He will be very angry but, it is a necessary step. Do not wait to do this.
Have you done any exposure? This is going to shed light on the black mold known as their A that is lurking in the damp, darkness. Shedding the light of day onto it is going to help kill it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
kprisca, be careful that you don't get ahead of yourself.
If your H is still in the affair (and if he hasn't done NC and he's still in touch with her, then he's still in it), then he's very unlikely to be in any mode of receptivity to any talk of LBs, ENs, POJAs, etc. If he's getting his needs filled by his affair partner, then for you to try to fill them will be like pouring water into an already-full cup.
And no, your contacting OW is not a love-buster. It's part (and only a part) of the exposure process that needs to happen. If that's the only exposure that occurs, then by the sounds of it, your H may simply take his affair further underground. Either he steps up to no-contact AND is TRANSPARENT with you by SHOWING you what he's writing to her, OR ELSE you need to be ready to proceed with further exposure. No ifs, ands or buts.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
>Attack your personal problems with determination and gusto.
If it is possible for you to become healthier it is your responsibility to do so
It took me a long time to realize this...and it was time I wasted waiting for HIM to help me get fixed.
All that time that I could've been MBing....
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
This is my letter to OW (also sent a copy to WH) OW,
I'm just gonna be brief here. God is obviously watching over 'ME', because He showed me everything (including your 'private' pictures...wow!).
I don't know what my WH's feeling right now, or what he wants. You might be the 'one' for him, like I was to him. However this will turn out at the end, everyone is hurt. I think we all agree that you're not the problem here. But however bad our problem is (or your marriage's),
cheating is not the solution. It's the most selfish, cruel,
hurtful, and disrespectful act anyone can do to another human
being. You both know what you did is wrong, and as a wife...as a woman....I think I have the right to ask you to remove yourself.
You're not the problem. This is between WH and I. You are
distracting to him and me. Regardless of what he told you, we
haven't try to resolve our relationship issue. Bringing it up is not the same as working out. Complaining, holding grudge...is not 'trying'. We have history, good and bad....it's real and worth fighting for.
He knows what he's done to me, and he needs to face that.
Otherwise, the guilt alone will be so unbearable that there's no other way but down. As much as he doesn't want to see it, I'm the only one that can help him through this hell. He knows he can count on me to always be there. ALways.
I know that you know what's the right thing to do. I'm asking you to respect me and yourself. Stop dragging him further.
Regardless of what he decide, the affair needs to stop first. He is still a married man. You could've, and still can, wait until the marriage is over.
Should you feel the need to respond to me, talk to me....I'm
willing to do so.
~Caroline Her response: <addressing WH>,
So Caroline tells me that you are still struggling with what you want. I thought this was a black and white decision, and just a matter of time; at least that is what you led me to believe, twice now, so I don't really understand the delay. But since you've decided to put this relationship (because that's what it is, right or wrong)aside while you figure it out, or else wait for someone to make the decision for you, I will step up to the plate and make it real easy on you, because I DO know what I want.
I want a man that knows what he wants and isn't afraid to fight for it. I want a man that stands up for the people he loves and apparently that man is not you, regardless of whether it is me or Caroline. Your inability to make a decision is only making this harder on everyone involved, and Caroline is right; this can only go south from here. So, based on what I've learned from my past relationships and the things you have taught me about what I do want in the right relationship, I am learning real quick that this
isn't it.
Caroline,
I do apologize for the pain and suffering that our affair has
caused you. I don't know you, but if Tom loves you, then I know that you are a good and decent person and no one deserves this. I am truly sorry.
Good luck to the both of you in 2010. You're gonna need it.
Tracey
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
WH response to OW (he didn't show me the letter. OW responded to him and sent a copy to me) Tracey,
You are right, you don't deserve someone who can't make up their mind and who, right now, looks like a coward. I was not
emotionally prepared to have these two worlds collide the way they did the other day. Should I have expected it?....Probably, but I was not prepared. I am still stunned and having a hard time expressing myself. To be honest, I am lost right now. Having this slammed in my face has brought out some of the guilt for what has happened. That is not to say I didn't want it to happen, because I did, hell all 3 of us know that. I know I am not and I don't feel
like the strong one in this situation. Everyone is
hurting,....that is the last thing I ever wanted, you know that. I also know most of the blame for this is on me. The fact is, neither one of you deserve me (and I am not being a baby or playing the victim here). I had several opportunities to make a decision,
take a path, and I chose to "ride it out", too scared to decide one way or the other.
I think the hurt for everyone I have caused is unrepairable, no matter what anyone says. I think what you are doing is the right thing, although I know it hurts like hell. I will honor that, and I feel you need to move on with your life and find someone that you can be happy with....I really wish that for you.
As far as me and Caroline, as I told her, I don't have it in me to fix us. That may be the "weak" way out again, but I think the damage is to great and I don't have the energy to try to "put in" to this what it needs. She too deserves to be happy. She is a good person. However, I am going to move forward with filing for divorce. This way, both of you are free of this situation and can move on.
I can't tell you how sorry I am, there are no words. I am flooded with anger, guilt, sorry, and confusion....and I don't see them going away anytime soon. I really didn't think I could hurt people the way I have here. I have failed in every conceivable way possible. I also feel ashamed for that.
I am so sorry,....for all of this. OW response: And u wondered why I pulled away so much. I saw this coming a mile
away. I think the appropriate wording is YOU don't deserve either
of us.
Caroline, care to go for a drink??
~Tracey~ I only read them once, and didn't really pay attention to WH's response to OW. I just re-read them again tonight, and it bothered me how he never actually said anything about doing the right thing or reconciliation with me. Since DD, he has never said anything but being unhappy for years and he didn't see anything else in us. The fact that I'm fighting this, he took it as my typical personality...doing only what I want regardless of his feeling.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
Pepper, I finally got the book. Read it, studied it...mainly for myself if nothing else. It's scary to really admit who you were/are. On the other hand, I'm blessed to know what I'm capable of, that I do have a big heart. I found strength that I never knew I had, and start to really like me. This in a strange way helped me more than any therapy sessions..  Speaking of Plan A...Carrot and Stick.WH completely ignored all sort of carrots, especially affection. I'm not so good in implementing the Stick. I couldn't 'spy' on him anymore since he figured out I found everything on his laptop. He always shuts it down now,and I mentioned to him I should have the right to know the password to the laptop and cell phone. He pretty much ignored me. He said he's not gonna live like that. I got upset, he ognored that too. Regarding exposure. I told my family, and some of our mutual friends. Though I do understand the purpose of exposure to ppl that are close to him, he already told them we're getting a divorce because he's done trying. He is his parents golden child and they've never questioned his decision...even the bad ones,"He made mistake because of circumstances...." I'm not sure if I want to do this just yet. Since WH works with OW, how do I go about exposing this? My dilemma is he's the only source of income. Finding a new job at the salary he's making is really difficult, especially given this economy. I haven't worked for 6 years, he supported me fully. SHould I contacted the person OW's reports to and request that OW is not assigned to the same project as WH?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
So did you expose the affair to your husband's parents and brothers and sisters yet? Why not?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 31 |
Catperson, I apologize for posting my story in 2 different threads. This is the same answer I gave on the other thread: I've told my family and some of our mutual friends.
Before finding out his A, he already told his family we're heading for a divorce, told them he hasn't loved me for years for couldn't leave me while I was struggling with depression.
I know that they already told WH that he's too nice of a guy for putting up with me (depression, financial support) etc for years. I'm not sure if exposure would do anything other than making them believe it must've been so bad that their son was so unhappy that he'd committed adultery. If anything, they might see divorce will free their son from living a lie.
AM I making sense?? Or...over-analyzing things?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455 |
kprisca, you need to talk to his family and tell them the reason your H wants a D is because of the A.
You tell them you are committed to the M and to working things out. Tell them this is a wake up call for you and that prior to the A your H was not talking D.
Waywards put a spin on everything. It is called fog babble. That is why you cannot force him to stay. You need to work on yourself and start to show your confidence.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
Since WH works with OW, how do I go about exposing this?
My dilemma is he's the only source of income. Finding a new job at the salary he's making is really difficult, especially given this economy. I haven't worked for 6 years, he supported me fully. SHould I contacted the person OW's reports to and request that OW is not assigned to the same project as WH? HE chose this path. HE is responsible for providing for you if you separate. Are you just going to let him run over you for money? What does that make you? Sorry to be so harsh, but this is war. You've got to start thinking that way. As for work, you write a letter and send it to their HR department, AS WELL AS the company's president and vice president. In the letter, make sure they know that this can leave them vulnerable for lawsuits and worse if they don't take action to separate the two somehow. Then you sit back and let the company deal with it. Are they on FaceBook? Find them and contact ALL their 'friends' to let them know what they have been doing - ESPECIALLY the OW. I've seen great things happen this way. You need to find out if she is married and contact her husband/boyfriend. AND her parents and siblings. And your H's best friends. And your priest if you have one. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Do it ALL in one day.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,455 |
Kprisca,
Cat gave me that same advice when I came on this board. I dragged my feet. Not sure if it would have made any difference but by waiting I lost so much momentum and XH moved out and I made it easy for him in the beginning to carry on his A at work with me working there also.
Please read the books. More of the same what you are doing will only drive him away quicker.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375 |
Stop wasting time communicating with OW - it will only make you more angry. If you want to save your marriage you have to kill this affair. And to kill the affair the best weapon is exposure.
Is OW married or has a BF? Concerning this matter do not trust your WH, verify everything independently. If exists, expose OW H or BF immediately.
You have to expose to WH parents and siblings and give them the truth (your WH is commiting adultery) not the wayward babble your WH is saying (unhappy for years blah blah...).
You have to expose to WH workplace HR management. There is a sample letter in somewhere here.
kprisca, you are here 10 days already and you are still waiting to follow the advice all of us are giving to you from the very start of your thread.
What are you waiting? Don't you believe our advice?
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
906
guests, and
65
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
